Music Conspiracy Theory Update!By Joanna Fuertes-Knight
OK. Maybe you read about the time-traveling Beatles fan in our blog post earlier today. He came back from an alternative reality clutching an unreleased Beatles record which isn't quite as good as Revolver. Anyway, that blog made me realise that some of you folk are horribly un-aware of the latest developments in the world of music conspiracy theory.
We all know about Macca being dead, 2Pac living on the moon, and Jigga being Elvis in a hat or something, but the conspiratorial hive-mind doesn't sit still, it moves endlessly, stupidly, onwards! Here's a quick update:
MICHAEL JACKSON WAS MURDERED BY IRAN!
Aside from the usual "HE'S NOT DEAD!" theories, the most absurd tale about Jacko, is that he was murdered by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to distract attention from the flailing Iranian regime. MJ's death and the subsequent mourning in the West distracted the media from the Iranian elections and subsequent protests. “Michael Jackson RIP” replaced "#iranelection” as the number one trending topic and the revolution lost the momentum of global support. Personally, my all time fav conspiracy theory about Jackson was the one where he sexually abused children and escaped prosecution with enormous out-of-court settlements. But it doesn't quite have the same resonance as this one.
MORRISSEY PREDICTED PRINCESS DIANA'S DEATH!
This one's a little older. "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" from The Queen Is Dead, mentions a dark underpass. Wait for it... then the 13th word on side one of the album is “arches” and the 13th word on side two is “smash” and OMG DIANA WAS KILLED WHEN HER CAR HIT THE 13TH ARCH! For further hard evidence, the final song Morrissey released before Di's death just happened to be "Alma Matters" and we all know the Queen of Hearts died beneath the Pont de l'ALMA bridge in Paris, right? RIGHT? I always knew Morrissey was a dark wizard overlord.
GANGSTER RAP WAS INVENTED TO KEEP PRISONS FULL!
Hip-hop is the winner when it comes to churning out hysterical conspiracy theories. Earlier this year an anonymous whistle-blower, claiming to be a big player in the music business, emailed loads of people in the industry. His email ended up on the rap blog Hip-Hop Is Read. In it he claimed that he attended an industry meeting that aimed to encourage crime by orchestrating the rise of 90s gangster rap. Why? Because the major music labels were invested in private prisons, which would profit from larger numbers of inmates.
Believers of this theory have been like, "Yes gangster rap DID get big in the 90s, whut a coincidence!" But then so did slouch socks and Saved By The Bell. Obviously, this story is bullshit, but it's a really good one. Seriously, read the original post and tell me honestly that it isn't compelling. Just before rational thought returns, there's definitely a moment when you're thinking: "Well, I guess this does make sense..." It doesn't, don't worry.
NICKI MINAJ'S DRESS HAD SOMETHING UNSPECIFIC TO DO WITH WHITNEY'S DEATH!
Apparently that face there, that's Whitney Houston. I mean, clearly it's not; but so, so, so many rap bloggers are obsessed with the Illuminati now, that after Minaj turned up at the Grammys in this dress acompanied by a guy dressed as the Pope, they all said it was some Satanic signifier referencing Whitney Houston's recent death. Seems implausable to me, but what do I know, I thought Lady Gaga became popular through hard work and talent until I saw this.
I'm sure there will be some more next week.