This Band Could Be My Orgasm
Green Screen Door
Sometimes it feels like everyone and their cat is in a band. Or, at the very least, they play guitar or bass or “dabble” on the drums, you know, a wedge in the door. I remember when I was young a friend told me the best way to get into the “music scene” was to start a band. Isn’t that the only way to get into the music scene?
The thing about doing DIY tours is that you have to watch a lot of crappy bands. Bands that think it’s totally appropriate it take a smoke break in the middle of their 50-minute-long, opening slot set. Bands who disguise from the fact that they cannot play their instruments for shit by wearing stupid costumes or swinging their exposed penises to the audience. I’m not on acid all the time, so these events are irritating. However, it’s the shit that really makes the gold shine. After weeks of garbage and mediocrity, coming across a good band feels like winning the lottery.
The following is a list of bands I wish would make more records, tour more, put out videos, just generally pull it together and abuse the world with their music.
GREEN SCREEN DOOR (Los Angeles, CA)
Imagine if Fred and Toody Cole listened to Flipper and played noise music in their spare time, but also were big suckers for melody and grew up in the 90s, so they had all that graceful simplicity in their blood. Now, picturing this revamped Fred and Toody, imagine they started a band. That’s kind of like Green Screen Door. I love this band. They make Long Beach a place I want to go to. Just listen. I can’t describe these guys. It’s too good.
Best Track: “Warm Water”
SHOXX (Brooklyn, NY)
Shoxx formed a while back with the remaining members of Pollution and Nomos. If you don’t know these bands, it’s because you are not into intelligent hardcore music, which means you should probably skip the next band I recommend too and continue down the list. You won’t find any Shoxx songs on the Internet because that’s just the way those guys are. You have to go out and see their live shows. Elsner Nino is the best punk drummer in New York City, so, you know, it’s worth the $5 you’ll pay to get in.
LEATHER (Philadelphia, PA)
What happened to Leather? I played with them two summers ago and then saw their singer hanging off a staircase when we played Brooklyn last spring and someone told me he moved to NYC, so I assume they don’t make records anymore. Bummer. Leather played hardcore music straight-up, clean timing, a little nasty, and tore it open live. The only time I saw them play was in a basement in Philadelphia. The floors and walls had been dusting off chalk and their singer just rolled around in it and punched everyone. (I've got a real thing for boy aggression.) Check out their seven-inch "Anchorite."
Best Track: “Prince of The Salon”
WITCHES (Athens, Georgia)
Frontwoman Cara Beth Satalino of Witches has that Cat-Power-meets-Fiona-Apple-meets-Louise-Burns kinda vibe to her. She lives in a sweet, old, creaky cottage in Athens, Georgia. She rocks on a wooden chair with her guitar. She speaks softly. She sings with power. She smiles a lot. She is a singer-songwriter. However, she also has a band called Witches, where she writes really 90s rom-com style songs. Forever is an LP that will make you so nostalgic, you’ll want to paint your nails pink and start collaging all your Maximum Rock 'n’ Roll magazines onto your bedroom walls.
Best Track: “Grey”
TEENANGER (Toronto, Canada)
Teenanger is one of those bands that just make you feel happy to watch them play. Their latest LP, Frights, is a healthy pack of garage-punk suitable for shower sing-a-longs. They never push you too hard and the melodies are extremely catchy. The guitar work is patchy and bright while the bass fills in at just the right moments and the drums keep it simple. Lyrics are classic punk: bank accounts, hating cops, needing money, and feeling shitty. It’s your basic poor white boy blues, but it works. Plus, Chris Swimmings sings in this way that makes you feel he’s mocking you with a sarcastic “boo-hoo, bitch” tone—almost like he’s spitting at you in disapproval. Plus, their only female member, Melissa Ball, is the best punk rock bass player on the East Coast. They are touring soon. I highly recommend you get into this:
09/21 - Il Motore, Montréal, PQ
09/22 - The Black Lodge - Allston, MA
09/26 - The Painted Lady - Hamtramck, MI
09/27 - Crown Liquors - Chicago, IL
09/28 - Little Bird - Fort Wayne, IN
09/29 - Ace Of Cups Bar - Columbus, OH
09/30 - Carraige House - Indianapolis, IN
10/01 - TBA - St. Louis, MO
10/02 - Replay Lounge - Lawrence, KS
10/04 - Trailer Space Records - Austin, TX
10/04 - Beerland - Austin, TX
10/05 - TBA - New Orleans, LA
10/06 - Eclipse - Montevallo, AL
10/07 - Shanghai Nobby's - St. Augustine, FLA
10/08 - Sandwich Bar - Orlando, FLA
10/09 - TBA - Atlanta, GA
10/10 - Bull City Records - Durham, NC
10/10 - 420 House - Raleigh, NC
10/11 - Golden West - Baltimore, MD
10/12 - Cloud City - Philadelphia, PA
10/13 - Death By Audio - Brooklyn, NY
Best Track: “Fright” and “Cops (But Not)”
Noisey Jamaica II - Ras Malekot - Episode 6/6
In the final episode of Noisey Jamaica II, Walshy Fire heads into the hills above Kingston with a group of Nyabinghi Rastas to truly get down to the roots of this musical movement.
NOLA: Life, Death, & Heavy Blues from the Bayou - Episode 7
In the final episode of Noisey NOLA, the Down frontman opens up his home for a crawfish boil with the Noisey crew.
Ozzy Osbourne on Discovering Randy Rhoads, The Osbournes, and God: Back & Forth (Part 3/3)
Ozzy speaks with his son Jack about how he discovered his legendary guitarists Randy Rhoads and Zakk Wylde.