Okay, so I was cleaning out my backpack the other day and found an old DVD made by Rick Ross that must have been from like 2009 or something. I decided to watch it, chapter by chapter. Here’s how I felt about it!
Chapter 1: “Deeper Than Rap (Intro) (Video)”
Wait, is this going to be an actual movie? We’re in a limo right now, and Rick Ross just said, "If money is power, then we've got millions of power." That is stupid/amazing/I really wish Rick Ross were my dad (to my real dad: sorry.)
Oh never mind this is going to just be a bunch of music videos. This one is good, and Rick Ross is using his hands a lot. I'm hoping this is kind of going to be like a hip-hop version of Tommy, only it makes even less of an effort to make any fucking sense. Side note—Rick Ross without sunglasses: Terrifying.
Chapter 2: Rick Ross Interview
Rick Ross is now in a motorcycle shop sitting on a motorcycle talking about himself. He just said, "You're at the Triple C compound." Ohhhh, this was probably a promotional DVD for this album called Custom Cars & Cycles that Rick Ross released with these rappers named Gunplay and Torch that kinda sucked. Whoever is mastering this audio is terrible at their job. It's probably Wale.
Best bit of dialogue here: "Real n—gas. Red, blue, brown..." Yeah I know you're talking about gangs, Rick Ross, but you're coming across as kind of an idiot.
Chapter 3: “Throw It In The Sky (Video)”
The Hottest Label In The Game is what this video’s opening title says. Yeah, okay. But imagine if Rick Ross's Maybach Music was just the hottest label inside the body of the rapper Game. That would change everything. Now Rick Ross and his friends are holding piles of money. They're all wearing matching outfits, which is really cute. Oh man, I haven't listened to Torch in years. I forgot how much he sucked. Gunplay, the other dude in Triple C's, is an even better rapper than Rick Ross (who rules), so I'm totally fine with dealing with Torch. Gunplay's got the type of dreadlocks where they're all kinda stuck together, and they're perfect. Best shot: When Rick Ross and Gunplay and Torch all wave large stacks of money at the camera at the same time. Rick Ross is also waving a Louis Vuitton rag, then he throws it and scowls. This is incredible.
Chapter 4: Young Breed Interview
Feel like I should mention that I've got the munchies like a motherfucker right now and I have no idea why (I’m not even high!). I'm gonna keep a running track of what I've eaten while watching this. So far I've had a box of Easy Mac, a box of Nerds, some Pirate's Booty from Trader Joe’s, and one of those Pixie Sticks that are two feet long. Not showing any signs of stopping, and neither is Rick Ross. He just made his rapper friend Young Breed talk to the camera, because apparently Young Breed is really shy. Young Breed just claimed he's gonna give me "decades and decades of new shit." Thanks, Young Breed! He just freestyled and it was okay.
Chapter 5: “Yacht Club (Remix)” (Video)
Aw fuck yeah, Rick Ross is rapping on a boat. He and the Triple C's dudes are so into having matching outfits. I'm really glad he lets the rappers in Maybach Music Group wear whatever they want. Their whole "We all have to wear the same color, you guys!" thing makes them look like a buncha dorks. This song is called "Yacht Club," yet the video takes place on a single boat, and it's just a really big speedboat. I know what you're wondering, and yes, Rick Ross takes his shirt off in this one.
Chapter 6: Torch Interview
Rick Ross just introduced Torch by reminding us that he's been standing in the background of his music videos for YEARS. That's emasculating as fuck. This is really sad, because Torch just bragged about his upcoming album that never actually ended up coming out.
Chapter 7 “Yams” (Video)
This is a concept music video where Torch and Gunplay meet Rick Ross in a warehouse. I remember reading an interview with Gunplay one time where he talked about how he was kind of addicted to coke, and then I read three more that were exactly like it. Torch just called Mardi Gras "Party Gras." This is incorrect. Everyone in video is doing the cooking dance, and Rick Ross is wearing a really cool letterman's jacket and a UPS hat. The jacket has "RR" on it. I wonder if that stands for "Rick Ross." I think it's like 50/50 as to whether or not Rick Ross is smoking a blunt in each of these shots.
Chapter 8: Gunplay Interview
It’s Gunplay's turn to get interviewed! He didn't really say anything, but he had really weird-looking eyes. He is never not on drugs.
Chapter 9: “Roadkill” (Video)
This music video is really dark. Rick Ross is hanging out in a butcher shop. This song is really good, sounds kinda like something Just Blaze might have produced if he had a super short attention span. Torch REALLY likes to remind people he's from New York—he's quoted Method Man and Biggie at length, which is a bit much. I thought the point of paying homage was to, like, be subtle about it. Gunplay, meanwhile, is only interested in proving that he's from Hell.
Chapter 10: Rick Ross Interview (Part II)
Rick Ross just pretended to have a heart attack for some reason. Now he's really pissed and addressing the rumors that he's lying about being rich by claiming to be even richer than people think. I think Rick Ross understands how ridiculous he is. I wonder if he'd ever consider changing his name to Ridic Ross. Or maybe just Rich Ross. That might be a bit too on-the-nose, though.
Chapter 11: Gunplay (Video)
Oh great, the music video to one of my favorite songs! It's called "Gunplay (featuring Gunplay)." It's perfect. In the video Gunplay stands next to Rick Ross and pantomimes all the stuff that he does. Then, Rick Ross holds a gun on a plane. Also, Rick Ross: you should not be comparing your label to Murder, Inc. They folded in, like, 2004. The best lines are in this song are from Gunplay, when he calls his friends "never-seen-a-laptop-in-the-projects-ass n—gas" and his enemies "Wizard-of-Oz-ass n—gas." Just so you know, I'm eating sugar cookies now.
Chapter 12: Strip Club Footage
Oh wow, we're on to the clip simply called "Strip Club Footage," and holy fuck were they not kidding. My friends are here now, and it's super awkward. I think it would be less awkward to watch straight-up porn with them. Rick Ross is all throwing money and pouring liquor on these girls while they rub large stacks of money on their hoo-has, and my friends and I are all just like "Wut." Luckily, we're drinking.
Chapter 13: "Face" (Music Video)
This is an erotic duet with Trina about pleasing each other's naughty parts with their mouths. Rick Ross, I have learned so much from you. Trina is a thousand years old and it's terrifying.
Oh, fuck it, I'll review the DVD extras too.
Rick Ross is getting a tattoo on his neck while sitting in his kitchen, and he's just fucking taking it and talking about random stuff. This is absurd. His kitchen looks immaculate. He's got a microwave that's slightly too small for the nook it's supposed to be in. Oh man, he just told his tattoo artist to put whatever he wants on him. He reminds me of Cthulhu whenever he doesn't have his shirt on. There’s a jump-cut, and now he's performing "Hustlin'" live in a parking lot. Man, remember when Rick Ross played the Vice.com launch party? That shit was awesome. Wait, what? It just cut off midway through the first verse for literally no reason. Rick Ross, don't you ever change. I love you.