Miley Cyrus' Brother Has A Music Video NowBy Stuart Heritage
Imagine being Trace Cyrus. There you’d be, every Christmas day, sitting around the table after dinner with the entire Cyrus family, listening to Billy Ray talk about "Achey Break Heart". “Now that’s a crappy song,” he’d say. “One of the crappiest in all of history, I do believe.” And then Miley would pipe up. “It’s quite a crappy song, but have you heard "Party In The USA"? That almost single-handedly redefined the word crappy”. What could you reply with? Nothing. Because you’re Trace Cyrus. You don’t have a crappy song of your own. You can’t compete.
“But I’ll show them”, you think. “When Christmas 2012 comes around, I’m gonna hit those assholes with the crappiest song that ever existed. I’m gonna make a song so relentlessly crappy that it barely even counts as a song. If it kills me, I’m going to make the crappiest song that’s ever been recorded, based on a horrifying misunderstanding of why everybody liked that last Kanye West album...and I’m going to make an even crappier video to accompany it!”
Ladies and gentlemen, that song is "Highs and Lows" by Trace Cyrus’ band Ashland High. And this is the video. I apologise in advance:
First, let’s attribute blame for what you’re about to witness. As you can see, the Highs and Lows video was directed by Tyler Davis and Trace Cyrus. Or, to be more specific, Tyler-Davis-Multiplied-By-Trace-Cyrus. I don’t know what that means, but I have a feeling that Tyler Davis and Trace Cyrus both scientifically spliced their DNA together and then had sex with whatever generic monstrosity came out the other end.
Pretty much the entire video consists of Trace Cyrus sitting in - let’s not kid anyone - his bedroom; drinking, smoking, wearing the RealD 3D glasses he stole from his little sister, and generally rueing that time he fell asleep in front of his tattooist’s toddler for seventeen hours. His room is jumble of symbolism. The booze and weed represent his tendency to live life as hard as possible, while the candles and religious iconography represent his background and his quest to improve himself. Or something.
And the crystal skulls represent how much Trace Cyrus, umm, loved the last Indiana Jones movie?! That bit with the fridge right? Yowzers!
The rest of the video basically tells the story of what it’s like to go out drinking with Trace Cyrus. This is the part of the evening where he puts a funny hat on, and thinks everything is much funnier than it really is, until people start noticing him.
And this is the part of the evening where Trace Cyrus suddenly gets surly. His eyes are saying “What do you mean you didn’t like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Or my bedroom? Or any of my family? Or this terrible, terrible song that I mistakenly think is quite profound?” Also, they’re saying “Sorry about this hat,” but that’s less relevant.
This is the part where Trace Cyrus tries to reenact the plot of The Blues Brothers, y'know the bit where John Belushi takes his top off, hurriedly covers himself in biro, sits in his bedroom, tries to pull a stubborn bit of shepherd’s pie out from between his teeth with his tongue and generally doesn’t contribute anything positive to society whatsoever. This part is usually followed by the part where Trace Cyrus remembers that he hasn’t actually seen The Blues Brothers.
FINALLY, this is the part where Billy Ray Cyrus comes in and turns off the light. See, Trace has been getting awfully excited for a school night, after all he's probably got to be up bright and early for another day of spunking thousands of dollars on music videos.
Follow Stuart on Twitter @StuHeritage