Leggo My Faygo: Which Gathering Of The Juggalos Acts Are Bound To Start A Riot?By Luke Winkie
A few days ago, the 2012 Gathering of the Juggalos was announced via the traditionally overwrought 20-minute infomercial. As usual, Insane Clown Posse gave us a hilarious, bewilderingly un-self-aware bombardment of some of the greatest clichés known to mankind – but this time, it was set in the post-apocalypse! However, as the dust started to settle, we all realized that this year’s Gathering has a surprisingly competent lineup. The reunited Geto Boys, The Game, and even Danny fucking Brown will all be playing what is inarguably the dumbest festival in the world. It just seems like a weird, unstable concoction when you’re mixing normalized taste with a bunch of people whose favorite bands all dress up in clown makeup. (I mean, we all saw what happened to Tila Tequila.) So I’ve taken the liberty to set odds on which of the Gathering’s lineup are most likely to encounter some violent incident during their time with the juggalos. Feel free to place bets.
Odds of Incident – 75:1
Okay, so Ric Flair isn’t technically performing, but he is apparently hosting one of the main stages, and will ostensibly be introducing the Insane Clown Posse for their headlining set. In a vacuum, this should be fine, because the Juggalos seem like the sort of people who would respond positively towards anyone claiming ownership of more than one WWF Championship Belt. However, we are talking about a 63-year-old Ric Flair, and you can never trust a 63-year-old Ric Flair. The dude is so money-starved, he actually took a role in Red Alert 3. A drunk, foul-mouthed Flair in front of a demographic of which he has absolutely no comprehension? That just doesn’t seem like a good idea.
Odds of Incident – 33:1
For all we know, Danny Brown is a hardcore juggalo. After all, the dude grew up in Detroit, and he definitely seems weird enough to be down with the clown. So maybe his set at the Gathering will be a knock-out homecoming set that will land him a guest verse on the next ICP album? Or maybe an indifferent, ornery crowd gets ridiculously incensed at his skinny jeans and goofy hair, and Brown ends up missing even more teeth. Yeah, we’re leaning towards the latter.
Odds of Incident – 16:1
Christ, how is George Clinton still alive? And how is his management so incompetent that they actually booked a 70-year-old legendary drug addict at a weekend headlined by the Insane Clown Posse? Clinton is a severely bizarre choice in a festival that seems to thrive on severely bizarre choices. The lineup is dominated by clown-makeup-donning posers, reunited ‘90s rap mainstays, or bum-rock has-beens, so why the hell is a funk icon holding down the evening set? It don’t think bath salts will be difficult to score at the Gathering, which really isn’t an ideal environment for George to keep his shit together.
Odds of Incident – 2:1
If you’re not familiar with Millionaires, they’re two converted scene girls from L.A. who make tinny, self-aggrandizing, and unimaginably desperate club-pop. I’m pretty sure their most popular song is called “Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid,” but like everyone else on the internet, I completely stopped paying attention to them five minutes after I learned who they were. Honestly, I was a little bewildered that Millionaires still even exist, but I guess that’s what the Gathering of the Juggalos is for. Look, Tila Tequila ended up with some gnarly bruises, and she actually has more talent than Millionaires. The idea of these two poofy girls doing their snippy robot-hooker characters in front of legions upon legions of violent ICP fans is actually making me wince. Cave-In-Rock Illinois is just not a good place to die.