If Justin Bieber is Allowed to Win a Grammy, He Will Become President and Enslave the Human Race
Hello. My name is James Tiberius Argriphile, and I am from the future. I was born in the year 2033, years after the Bieber Administration sank its claws into the cesspool of humanity and slowly set in motion the chain of events that ultimately led to humanity’s undoing. I am the last survivor.
Whatever happens, humanity cannot let Justin Bieber win a Grammy. Do you hear understand me?
HUMANITY CANNOT LET JUSTIN BIEBER WIN A GRAMMY.
Allow me to give you a quick timeline of humanity’s progress if nothing is altered. May High Priest Scooter Braun have mercy upon our souls.
February 2014—After releasing his fourth studio album Ymmag (I Want It), which features seven number-one singles including “Accolade,” “Come On Milli Vanilli Has One,” and “Fuck You, I’m a Serious Artist Who Makes Music for Adults Now (Feat. Pharrell),” Justin Bieber wins the Album of the Year Grammy.
May 2014—Barack Obama holds a command performance featuring Bieber, Asher Roth, and PSY. During a sing-along performance of “I Love College,” Justin Bieber and PSY (who is actually a spy) coerce President Obama into signing the White House over to Bieber. Bieber celebrates by singing “One Time” while PSY does the horse dance.
2020—President Bieber announces he’s running for a third term, citing “Didn’t that other guy do it?” as his legal justification. Figuring a candidate who hasn’t gone Platinum doesn’t have a chance against the Biebs, the Republicans run Miley Cyrus as their candidate. The Bieber administration unearths this video, and Cyrus is soundly defeated. President Bieber does a really cool dance for the Supreme Court, and they pass a constitutional amendment abolishing democracy.
2056—All disease cured and all those who visit a doctor once per year are effectively assured immortal life. Fortunately, only 10% of Americans can afford healthcare.
2082—Chancellor Bieber watches Rocky IV for the first time, then decides to invade Russia, accidentally takes over the entire Earth.
2114—The Robots take over, assassinating Bieber but vowing to remain benevolent robot overlords.
2212—In order to keep producing more robots, our benevolent robot overlords need water to cool their machinery. However, the Earth has finally run out of water. All humans are hooked up to moisture-sapping devices and slowly drained of their life while partaking in a massive group hallucination exercise not unlike the one depicted in the popular pre-robot film The Matrix.
2533—Aliens invade Earth, resulting in a Death Ray faceoff that holds the aliens back but destroys the entire Earth. Jostled loose from my moisture-sapping station, I fell into a wormhole and back to your time. I am the only survivor.
I beg of you. Please do not let Justin Bieber win a Grammy.
Hipsters Can't Ruin Hip-Hop Because Hipsters Don't Exist
"Hipsters" are a fictional construct, an army of imaginary scapegoats in trucker hats perched perilously on top of both a five-panel and a snapback.
Deniro Farrar: Notice - Cult Rap - Part 3/4
Deniro Discusses How Cult Rap is a Genre of Music That Connects With the Listener Through Social Commentary
Insanely Close and Personal With the Brian Jonestown Massacre
I met Katy Newcombe when we were both fifteen. Now I see her presence lurking within magazine features, disguised as the words “Anton’s teenage Welsh bride.”
Courtney Barnett Told Us How to Stop Writing Terrible Poetry and Land a Record Deal
We talked to the Australian singer about art school and why trying to write good songs just leads to writing bad ones.
Turn Up to Keys N Krates' Diplo & Friends Mix
Occasionally, we the at Noisey will kindly request that you drop whatever you're doing and turn the goddamn motherfuck up. Now is one of those times.
Meet Amos: The Man Who Designs Moog's Wonderful Toys
Moogfest takes place in North Carolina this Wednesday and boasts a lineup including M.I.A., Giorgio Moroder, Kraftwerk, Dan Deacon and many more. So we talked to the man who dreams up synths.
I Went to Bogotá in Colombia For Festival Estéreo Picnic and Danced For Days
Noisey ditched North America for South to eat endless empanadas, catch up with Julian Casablancas backstage, get winded while dancing to Phoenix and find out more about Colombia's music scene.
Give Life Back to Fhqwhgads
How a Strong Bad/Daft Punk mash-up album helped bring out the magic in 'Random Access Memories.'
HEARTSREVOLUTION Talk Pop Culture, Feminism, and Michael Jackson's Crystals
"This is our love letter to this generation. It’s an invitation to a conversation…"
Behind the Lens: Sky Ferreira Is Not Racist
Discussing Sky Ferreira's video for "I Blame Myself" with director Grant Singer.