Yesterday, Hanson's Rich People Talkin' 'Bout Stuff brought you the Twitter exchange seen above, which is easily the most beautiful thing that has ever happened on the internet (and yes, we’re even taking into consideration that dancing baby video that happened seemingly thirty years ago). Earnest Hemingway could not have written a better Twitter exchange, and that dude’s writing style basically invented Twitter. Anyways, we tried for about 10,000 hours to get in touch with T. Boone Pickens to ask him about this monumental event, and despite about 80 texts I sent to my friend who works at an environmental think-tank (Hi, David!), I couldn't get his office’s phone number, pretend to be my own assistant, and ask to talk to the 84-year-old hedge fund chairman, so instead I just made up an interview with T. Boone Pickens, the world’s biggest Drake fan.
Hi, T. Boone Pickens! What are you doing right now?
I be right here in my spot with a little more cash than I already got, trippin’ off you ‘cuz you had your shot.
Are you making fun of me because I couldn’t figure out how to get in touch with you?
I’m just saying you could do better. Tell me. Have you heard that lately?
What caused you to want America to become energy independent?
All I care about is money and the city that I’m from.
What do you have to say to people who think that’s impossible?
Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.
Who are your role models as a policymaker?
Weezy and Stunna my only role models. Hef and Jordan my only role models.
Do you have any questions for me?
Do you love this shit? Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous? Are you single? I heard you fucked a girl. Is that true? You gettin’ money? You think them n—gas you with is with you?
Hey, do you mind if I smoke a cigarette really quick?
I sit next to you, and I lecture you because those are deadly. And you ash it, and we argue about spending money on bullshit. And you tell me I’m just like my father—my one button, you push it. Now it’s, “Fuck you, I hate you, I’ll move out in a heartbeat.”
Whoa, sorry dude.
You da fuckin’ best.
Do you think you’ll ever be President?
Those other men were practice. They were practice. For me.
What about Hilary Clinton?
Maybe she won’t. But then again, maybe she will.
There you have it.