FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Music

Which Musician Should Be Pope?

Benedict's bowing out and it's totally to make way for a Pope Waka, or maybe a Pope Morrissey?

Well guys, here we are. The end of an era. A paradigm shift. Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from his position as head of the Catholic Church and is passing the scary, antiquated baton onto another old white man to tell hordes of dying Africans that their sexual emancipation is against the word of God. Yay!

Because it’s our job - no, our RIGHT - to trivialise the sort of decisions that affect millions of lives all across the planet, we wanted to take a look at who in the music world would make a fitting church monarch. Who would best fit the gilded cassock of the Vatican’s highest order, and who would be best at pretending that legions of fiddly priests are actually misunderstood middle aged virgins who just need a change of scenery, you know?

Advertisement

Waka Flocka Flame

If Juaquin Malphurs isn’t the sort of name that should have a bunch of roman numerals at the end of it then I don’t know what is (perhaps it could be the alphanumeric version of his crew’s name 1017 - or MXVII). Speeches delivered from the balcony of the Vatican would be boomed, no need for any mics, and be addled with adlibs: "I love you, O Lord, my strength *SQUAD*. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer *FLOCKA*; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge *BRICKSQUAD*." There would be no need for the Pope-mobile any longer, as Waka would just dodge those bullets, as depicted in the video for his track Bustin’ At Em. That perspex box can be used to protect at least one American school attendee before the inevitable rifle massacre.

Madonna

Half way there with the name, Queen (Victoria) of pop, Madonna, is a big player in the running to be the next harbinger of bad advice. Already a known interferer of African matters, Madonna will do well to continue the terrible work of manna-man like Benedict in advising people that condoms are heathen sheaths, the devil’s socks. Presumably she’ll do this so as to have more of a selection the next time she goes shopping for sentiences in Kenya.

Justin Bieber

As with Skrillex, hating on Justin Bieber is super passé now. If you can’t find the hilarity in some teenager ripping his first bong in full view of the world, with people literally dying to get a photo of it before he elopes in his Lamborghini, then maybe you’re the problem. If you see the white smoke emerge from the decadent cave of Jehovah in Vatican City, then you can bet your bottom dollar JB is hitting that OG Stingray Kush in a pair of Heaven-Edition Yeezy 2’s. A young $waggy Pope will also do wonders for the church’s stance on abstinence among the young Catholic contingent, though I’m concerned for his supple body once all those prunish, wailing Italian great-grans get their hands on him.

Advertisement

Lil B

Because LMAO.

Morrissey

Just because he would literally be the most insufferable prick in the entire solar system. Imagine Morrissey with that papal platform, all the fucked up stuff he’d say? Delivering sermons with vegan propaganda woven into it, declaring East Asia as continent-non-grata, perhaps even sparking a new world war. The ex-Smiths frontman would be a force of great evil I feel, and worse yet, he might appoint Joey Barton a Diocesan Bishop, dishing out sixth-form philosophy to legions of pea brained admirers whilst clipping the heels of his detractors with a rusty Stanley knife. Still, at least the church’s stance on gay marriage might let up a bit.

Follow Joe on Twitter @joe_bish