What Could Comedy Central Possibly Have to Roast Justin Bieber About?

Comedy Central Roast is a reliably funny series. The show puts a modern twist on a classic formula: surround a celebrity with comedians and friends and let him or her be a verbal punching bag in a lovingly mean-spirited celebration of that person’s life and achievements. Plus, it’s a good excuse for Jeffrey Ross to get out of the house once a year.

But when the show announced its next roastee in the hot seat—pop star Justin Bieber—they really dropped the ball and set themselves up for a guaranteed flop.

See, the reason the show works so well is that they typically select celebrities who really deserve it—ones who lead publicly embarrassing lives filled with drama and misfortune. Like in 2011, for example, when they roasted Donald Trump. That episode was a huge hit because the audience was already familiar with Trump’s very public failures, like his numerous corporate bankruptcies, his frequent limp forays into politics, and his face.

But Justin Bieber? What could anyone possibly make fun of that guy for? He’s been in the public eye since he was 13 and has maintained a near-pristine record as a celebrity ever since.

You’ve really got to feel bad for roastmaster Kevin Hart, who himself has had a flawless track record of one critically acclaimed film after another. Having to dig up dirt on the world’s most respected and universally beloved artist? Two words, Kevin: Good. Luck!

It’s hard to think of anything, really, that would make for roast fodder. Always one to shy away from the public eye, Bieber’s appearances in the newscycle have been few and far between.

He once made rare headlines for visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and saying that he hoped Anne Frank would have been a Belieber. But from a comedic standpoint, it would be hard to mock Biebs’ genuine love of history or the fact that—let’s face it—had she been born in the right era and not spent much of her young life in hiding from the Nazis during the German occupation of the Netherlands, Anne Frank very likely would have been a Belieber!

Sure, Bieber has had a few run-ins with the law and has numerous arrests under his belt, but that’s really a personal matter. Comedians tend to consider personal matters “off limits.” So it’s unlikely we’ll be hearing any jokes about his arrest for driving under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and Xanax or his other arrest for assaulting a limo driver or his other arrest for crashing his ATV into a minivan or when he was charged in Brazil with vandalism for racist graffiti or charged with egging his neighbor’s house in California. Not to mention his deposition video which went viral. All off the table. Sorry, comedians, looks like you’ll have to do some work and get some real material.

Same goes for his amorous relationship with fellow pop star Selena Gomez and the time he punched out a photographer for taking pictures of them together.

Ditto for his relationship with his father, with whom he was once detained by police after allegedly smoking marijuana on an airplane. All of these topics would be in poor taste to mock and it’s unlikely we’ll be hearing any jokes about them. And even if these topics were fair game—which again, they’re not—there’s nothing particularly funny about any of them, is there?

So, left with zero ammunition for jokes targeted at Bieber’s life, the roasters would have no choice but to turn their comedic aim towards his appearance. But again, for Donald Trump, who looks like a dried apricot that fell on the floor and collected dust, this method worked. But for Bieber, who continually sets the standard for male fashion and cutting edge style, this joke just wouldn’t stick. It’s impossible to tease a self-described “swaggy adult” who is constantly reinventing what it is to be cool, through tattoos of Japanese symbols, ever-evolving and magnificent hairstyles, and pants that continually push the limits of practicality.

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Apr 24, 2014 at 1:28am PDT

What’s to make fun of here?

Personality is a commonly spoofed trait in roasts. But unfortunately for the roasters, Bieber has a reputation for being one of the most likeable, down-to-earth celebrities. He has a modest approach to his fame and is well-liked by fellow celebs such as Orlando Bloom and Seth Rogen.

Since personal life, appearance, and personality are all comedic dead ends, the last resort for the roasters would be to mock his talent. But let’s face it, the guy sings like an angel. His hit song "Baby" has over one billion views on YouTube and as we all know, popularity is an accurate gauge of artistry. As far as YouTube goes, he is on par with only the most elite artists like PSY and his ultra-popular song, "Gangnam Style." Nothing funny about "Gangnam Style." Have fun trying to squeeze some LOLs out of that, Lisa Lampanelli!

This is truly primed to be the worst episode in the show’s history. Let’s hope whatever “genius” at Comedy Central thought it would be a good idea to publicly roast the world’s preeminent musical icon and voice of a generation was handed a pink slip. Because to mock Justin Bieber, a man who has handled his rightful and hard-earned fortune and celebrity status with humility and grace… well, there’s nothing funny about that.

Dan Ozzi is on Twitter - @danozzi