The Noisey Guide to the New Headphone Jack-Free iPhone 7

Photos courtesy of Apple

Hey technology lovers! Ready for the lowdown on the latest devices? Well, then get a load of this!

Today, Apple announced the latest in a long line of innovations that includes such hits as the personal computer and the smartphone: a phone that plays music without a headphone jack. Instead of the OLD, BORING iPhone, which forced you to plug any musical output device ever made into your phone using the standard 3.5mm jack and play music, the NEW, GOOD iPhone will let you play music by plugging Apple’s proprietary headphones into its Lightning port, using a dongle to attach regular headphones to the Lightning port, or by Bluetooth connection. This last approach includes the option of purchasing a special $159 pair of “AirPods,” new wireless earbuds designed to Apple’s exacting specifications of “make them easy to lose.”

Why would Apple do this? In the words of chief marketing officer Phil Schiller, it comes down to “courage. The courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us.”

Bravery! Gotta love it. But, as consumer, what does this mean for you? Uhhhhh, only that you’re going to be listening to music in ways you never have before! Open your mind to the future, and check out these new options that the iPhone ditching the headphone jack makes possible:

– With your new iPhone 7, you’ll be able to send text messages at incredible speeds, making it easier than ever to ask your friends to play music for you from their phones.

– Two words: The internet. With your iPhone 7, you can go online and read about music instead of listening to it. When you’re reading a review of your favorite album from anywhere on earth, who needs the actual thing? Suddenly the future is sounding pretty cool…

– And if you think the internet is cool, guess what else: You can download ebooks onto your iPhone 7, too. Can’t get “Yellow Submarine” out of your head? Just tear through a few thousand pages of Beatles biographies, and you’ll forget you ever wanted to hear the song in the first place.

– Feature alert! The iPhone 7 has built-in speakers. You know who else uses speakers? Uhhhh, Kanye West, Bruce Springsteen, Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and pretty much every other touring artist on earth. Get ready for every day to feel like a Drake concert by unlocking the magic of speakers.

– Apps? You can have a lot of them on here. We bet some of them do music stuff.

– With a dual camera system, you can take pictures of your CD liner notes in new higher resolution formats. You’ve seen the engineering credits on Oasis’s What’s the Story Morning Glory, but have you seen them in 12 MEGAPIXELS? Didn’t think so.

– Try using the eBay app to order a throwback MiniDisc player and a bunch of MiniDiscs to play on it. Can you do that on your old phone?

– The iPhone 7 is perfect for a software-driven world; it even has Uber, which allows you to summon a car and sync your Spotify playlist with the driver’s. Or you can really go crazy and get in the car to listen to the radio. Either way, it’s music at the touch of a button.

– Speaking of which, gone are the days of asking the person driving if they have an AUX cord: Now you get to say the way cooler sentence, “do you have a Lightning cable connection?” No matter what they answer, you get to sound futuristic, which is worth a lot of money.

– You can call Drake, if you have his phone number.

– Or text him if you prefer that to talking on the phone.

– Apple Pay: Use it at your favorite LiveNation venue to buy a concert ticket and see live music. Rock on!

– Don’t want to use Apple Pay? Go to your favorite LiveNation venue, withdraw some cash, then use that cash to buy a ticket, then use your phone to check the balance of your bank account to make sure you didn’t withdraw too much money for the concert ticket. If you still have money in your account, which, once again, you can confirm using your bank’s mobile app, you can even buy merch from the artist whose concert you are going to see.

– You can use it to log into your Discogs account.

– You can use it to log into your last.fm account.

– You can use it to log into your Google Play account.

– Siri is like your digital assistant. For example, you can ask, “Siri, what is Ryan Adams’s home address?” Honestly, it would be pretty creepy if Siri knew, but if she did, then you could go over to Ryan Adams’s house and say hi to him. Come to think of it, this is probably a feature Apple should get rid of in the interest of Ryan Adams’s personal safety.

– It’s like a speaker you can make phone calls on.

– It’s like a camera you can listen to if you hold it close to your ear.

– It’s like an iPod shuffle you can use to look at all the music you own.

– With iPhone 7 Reminders, you can organize your life to spend the time doing the things that matter to you. Been meaning to listen to the new Adele album on vinyl? Just set a reminder to do it this afternoon, and then do it when you are reminded to do it, and then let the sounds of Britain’s premier singer wash over you in warm, organic form.

– Have a Sonos speaker system? Then you can still use the proprietary Sonos speaker app to hook your iPhone 7 up to your Sonos speakers, which may play music if you have configured your Sonos app correctly.

– If you’re at a bar listening to a DJ and you hear a song you like, you can use Shazam to find out what it is. That way, the next time you’re at a bar listening to a DJ, you can request that the second DJ play the song, which will allow you to hear it again.

– iTunes.

– Look at your favorite musicians right on your phone by following them on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter—or even Snapchat!

– It’s a match! Try downloading Tinder and “swipe right” on your new musical soul mate. You’ll be listening to acoustic PartyNextDoor covers on someone’s laptop speakers as you awkwardly undress them in no time.

– If you’re tired of trying to keep up with all the new music out there, throw your iPhone 7 into a river. It’s waterproof, which means you can go get it out again if you decide you need it later.

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