The Noisey Guide to Britney Spears

SWEET MOTHER OF DEEP FRIED SQUIRRELS, Britney Spears is fully back in the game with the video for "Work Bitch" and reminding me why I fell in love with this crazy bitch the first time round. I mean, Britney Spears was the first pop princess of my lifetime. As a bored Catholic school girl, Britney steamrolling into the charts by coyly slutting it up as a Catholic school girl for "…Baby One More Time" became one of the landmark moments in my love of pop music. Hitching up my school skirt, spunking babysitting money on crop tops and losing my shit when I heard the first bars of that song became a rites of tween to puberty passage. Britney's pop-perfect debut LP went on to smash previous records to become the biggest selling album by a teenage solo artist and her fifteen year career has seen her shift over 100 million records worldwide.

At the height of her reign it felt like Britney barely stopped to menstruate, and this was all between enforcing matching couple outfits with then sweetheart Justin Timberlake and making soundbytes like "BUT I THOUGHT THE OLD LADY DROPPED IT INTO THE OCEAN IN THE END?" part of public consciousness. But then everything went to shit as Spears had the one of the most spectacular breakdowns the celeb world has ever seen. However, to me being able to bounce back from lows like tearfully shaving your hair off and beating the fuck out of a paparazzi's car with an umbrella is what has made Britney Spears one of the most relatable (who hasn't kicked someone's car in?) and greatest popstars of my generation.

THE TIME SHE WAS THE BIGGEST POPSTAR IN THE WORLD

THE TIME SHE DID THE VMAs RIGHT

Hot off enlisting The Neptunes to help her evolve from adorable bubblegum caterpillar into sexually aggressive butterfly, Britney stomped into the 2001 VMAs armed with only a seven foot python and some body oil to perform "Ima Slave 4U". I didn't notice the python at the time because I was wondering where exactly her pubic mound started and what were these things I was feeling that made my tummy feel fizzy.

When Britney was slated to return in 2003 it was like "what terrifying predator can she writhe around with this time?" Why Madonna of course!

During their rendition of "Like A Virgin" Britney stunned everyone by turning to Madge and engaging in some sloppy tongue action, to the point where everyone forgot that Christina Aguilera was even on stage, instead choosing to pan to Justin Timberlake clearly counting down the seconds till the camera guy turns back around and he can punch him in the back of the neck.

PS. THAT, Miley Cyrus, is how you do the VMAs

PPS. Also, shout out to Mary J's stinkface in the background of this…

THE TIME SHE COULD DANCE BETTER THAN ANY BITCH IN THE GAME

OK, fine, she clearly stopped giving a fuck about singing live early in her career but Britney's glory days saw her back flipping and jerking her neck through routines so complicated you wondered if all her afterschool gym and dance classes had been at gunpoint.

THE TIME BLACKOUT TURNED OUT TO BE A GREAT ALBUM

Deep in the dodgy wigs and haphazardly glued in hair extensions game, it seemed like Britney was just about scraping through life when she plopped out fifth album Blackout with the same amount of care as a codeine shit. Then lead single "Gimme More" was accompanied by a video that looked like it was filmed on a Blackberry and saw Britney sporting press on tattoos while strutting round the type of strip club where you have to intermittently sweep used hypodermic needles off the podium. But a few plays of it while scrunching your nose up at her pole dancing and you realise it's one of the best Britney tracks of all time. Against all odds Blackout received positive reviews and, more importantly, the line "IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH" was forever etched onto our tiny, popstar worshipping minds.

THE TIME SHE HAD MELISSA JOAN HART IN HER VIDEO

Do you think they still send each other Christmas cards?

EVERYTIME SHE HAS BEEN PAPPED WITH NO BRA AND A FRAPPUCCINO

"Ms Spears, would you like a latte from the solid gold cafetiere that arrived from Milan yesterday?"

"FUCK ALLA Y'ALL. I'M GONNA GET A GALLON OF ONE OF THOSE COFFEE SLUSH PUPPIES."

[Car screeches down the driveway]

"…CAN YOU AT LEAST PUT A SWEATER ON MS SPEARS?"

THE TIME SHE FINALLY EMBRACED NOT GIVING A

Having spent pretty much the first decade of her career smiling through gritted, Vaselined teeth as she weathered shit like Eminem's obsessive playground bullying, having her tits scrutinized since the age of 17 and losing custody of her children, the Britney that re-emerged as a judge for 2012's X Factor was breath of bitchy, ever so slightly dead behind the eyes air. Gone was the Britney that put on that weird baby speaking voice, in was the Britney that was personally affronted everytime someone was let on stage who couldn't body pop and sing their way through a decent version of "Billie Jean".

THE TIME THE "EVERYTIME" VIDEO CAME OUT

With the arrival of fourth studio album, In The Zone, it looked like Britney was back on top of the world, riding the wave of a collaboration with Madonna and absolutely smashing it out the park with "Toxic". But, while Britney's forte had always been pop that makes it feel like you're being beaten round the head with candy floss, having taken full creative control of an LP for the first time, she managed to sneak in stripped back ballad "Everytime", said to be in response to Justin BITCHING HER THE FUCK OUT COS HE'S A LITTLE FUCK BOY with the video for "Cry Me A River". It was distressing enough listening to "Everytime" on an otherwise chirpy album and suddenly finding yourself weeping at the futility of life, but then the video came out and it was like "yoooo, who the eff is looking out for Britney…someone prescribe her some hugs". Though originally intended to depict her taking an overdose, the final video was just as disturbing-coming-from-the-biggest-popstar-on-the-planet as it starts with her acknowledging her fraught relationship with paparazzi and then finishes with her almost dying in a bath tub. Like, wow, I'm not crying I just have allergies :'(

THE TIME DIANE SAWYER MADE HER CRY

Long before she was forced into a mental health facility or decided to give herself an impromptu buzzcut, it was an interview with Diane Sawyer and her "LMAO, you've had a exceptionally shit year, right?" line of questioning that showed cracks were starting to appear in Britney's carefully maintained public self. Now, y'know, glossing over the other small hiccups in Britney's life (Kevin Federline and every man that's fucked her up for their own gain, the prescription drugs, rumours swirling of waking her kids up in the dead of night 'cos she never got to see them on tour, all the times nobody advised her against double denim) it was this interview that set her apart from her fellow starlets, set her apart because it showed Britney was fallible. Sometimes you want to see someone famous cry when they're sad and not 'cos they're marvelling at how great life is (no shade thrown Beyonce).

So thank you for the music based Britney, you crazy motherfucker.

Follow Jo on Twitter @FUERTESKNIGHT

The Noisey Guide to Christina Aguilera

The Noisey Guide To Mariah Carey

The Noisey Guide To Jennifer Lopez