The Biggest WTFs From The Coachella Announcement

The Coachella line-up was released last night, marking the return of “OMG, Coachella Line-Up is incred! Let’s go!!!!” style Facebook statuses from British folk who will never, ever, get it together to sort flights, buy tickets and find somewhere to stay. Looking forward to you guys all whinging when you end up watching Alt-J at Latitude, again.

While the rest of the country salivates over an unrealised dream of jettisoning off into the Palm Springs desert in the hope of living their own interpretation of Frank Ocean’s “Novacane” crossed with the cool bits of 90210, there are a few less prominent WTF’s on the Coachella poster. Like…

I’m not suggesting that every festival has to be set in a muddied field where cows poop, but Coachella is in a POLO CLUB. You know, the sort of place where your rich uncle spends his weekend being racist and where people look snootily at you if you’re not dressed like a nautical explorer from a postcard. Having a festival at a Polo Club is like if Glastonbury was held in the primped hectares of the Dogmersfield Four Seasons. And the fun doesn’t stop there! Everyone travels home each night (or pays extra to camp in a sweat-box), you can’t bring alcohol in with you, the alcohol that you pay bucket-loads for on site has to be consumed in a special area. Tickets start at $375 dollars and go up $799 if you want VIP access which has luxuries like tap water and shade. Throw in flights, drugs, parking, food, and having somewhere to sleep each night and it’s probably going to cost you more than a month’s salary to go.

Foster The People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” had everyone eating bubble-gum indie right out of their marketed hands for about four minutes and sixteen seconds until we all realised that it was their only good song and moved on to baselessly hyping up another band with one catchy single. They had a “polarising” new album out last year, which is basically nice blog-speak for shit, and they’ve got a new one out this year. That still doesn’t explain why they’re playing so high up on the bill at Coachella. My friend’s band released five records on exclusive limited-print vinyl last year, why aren’t they on the list? Foster The People are playing- according to font size anyway- above Nas, Fatboy Slim, Kid Cudi and the fucking Pet Shop Boys and it’s probably all because some promoter is still living in a Hipster Runoff dream where Foster The People are the water to the buzz-band drought. It’s all about your “Pumped Up Kicks”, bb.

Each year when the line-up is announced, the same people crop up saying the same things that they say every year. They announce how this Summer they’ll be sunning it up in Coachelly and totes need to get tickets ASAP, I can’t wait, OMGZZ yay SummerTime forever!!! This announcement will be made publicly, as if their friends don’t have a private message inbox, a mobile phone, or a mouth that talks, and it will never ever happen. Why? Because you live in England and can barely afford the bus. It’s a pipedream versus the reality of a summer spent Instagramming shitty pictures of sunsets and £4 Mr Whippys on a pebbled beach.

THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE PERFORMING

The Lucent Dossier are a troupe that has been described as a “high-concept, steampunk-meets-neotribal performance ensemble” :(

OUTKAST ARE PLAYING!!!111!1

WTF you guys, I can’t believe no one told me about this.

DO PEOPLE STILL CARE ABOUT MUSE?

No.

KATE NASH IS PLAYING?!

Kate Nash’s music was used in an exhibition at the British Library tracing the history of Cockney English. The exhibition “uses Nash's music to demonstrate today's younger urban mode of Cockney English,” apparently. She is probably as indicative of 2014 British culture as Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins and maybe isn’t the right candidate to prove to Americans that we don’t call our colleagues “guv’na” and carry pocket watches. So…

WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE BRITISH ARTISTS?

Arctic Monkeys? James Blake? King Krule? Sure, Fatboy Slim and Ellie Goulding are playing, but it’s hardly the “British Invasion” that everyone anticipated.

MOTORHEAD AND NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL ARE PLAYING ALMOST BACK 2 BACK

The Coachella bill is nothing if not varied. Motorhead and Neutral Milk Hotel are playing on the same day, prompting speculation (by us) that Neutral Milk Hotel will do a very polite cover of “Ace Of Spades” with a musical saw, and afterwards, they’ll paint each others' toenails and share pictures of their pets backstage. Meanwhile, a thousand awkward teenagers will be having a long-belated moment to “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea”.

HOW IS THE GRASS ON THE POSTER SO GREEN?

All I want to do is lie on it forever and ever and ever until my back hurts and my hands are covered in crinkly indents from perfected blades of horticulture.

DIDN’T ARCADE FIRE HEADLINE THREE YEARS AGO?

Someone should look into the health and safety implications of wearing giant chicken wire and papier mâché heads in really hot temperatures with big lights directly pointing at your scalp. Don’t faint Win!

Bad Manners?

Don’t they normally play at Village Fetes and that old people music festival in Henley?

Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil

Read more like this:

Glastonbury Festival Headliners: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

Why Do UK Festivals Suck Balls At Booking Special Guests?