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Music

Shaq Beat Aaron Carter in a Game of Basketball

Watch this glorious, glorious video.

Middle school, for most of us, is a strange and barbaric time. Your days of being a kid are quickly diminishing and your days of becoming a hormone-addled teenager are closer than ever. During this transitional period, clique’s become a very powerful hierarchal system in which, “Preps Rule Everything Around Me.” P.R.E.A.M. definitely doesn’t sound right off the tongue, but the preps were never right to begin with. To top it all off, their music taste was absurd and consisted of anything that came on to TRL, radio, or movie in which Adam Sandler was in.

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2001 came and with it came the actual new millennium, self-cleaning windows (seriously), and Aaron Carter’s hit single “That’s How I Beat Shaq.” When that song hit, the halls were filled with its hook, ringing throughout the school as if we were an army chanting our national anthem. There was no where to escape the nonsense. The song was so undeniably terrible that I had to stare into the belly of the beast and actually watch the video to see what the hype was all about. Seeing Aaron Carter’s not-so punk face on MTV made me even more confused. I couldn’t understand how this bleach-blonde child could enthusiastically rap these words to the world at large.

Let’s fast forward a few years. It’s March 4th, 2013 Shaq has a new T.V. show called Upload on Tru TV where all things are truthful and real and 100% authentic. Shaq has sought out revenge on Carter and has invited him to the court. If Carter scores but a single shot on Shaq, 5,000 clams will be going to the charity of his choice. Carter (who is the kind of a punk now) accepts the challenge and wants to put it to his own foundation of getting a jet ski. And with ease, Shaq starts to destroy Carter.

Watching Shaq easily defeat Carter’s creepy self was such a joy to me. Shaq did not only defeat Carter, but he defeated all of my pre-teen angst towards the P.R.E.A.M. mentality. Thank you Shaq. Thank you for sticking up for all of us who had to endure this torture for far too long. You really are Kazaam.

Danie Dorsa can finally sleep at night. He's on Twitter - @danieldorsa