Sébastien Tellier Got Caught Staring At His Maid's Boobs

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Sébastien Tellier.

Noisey: Hi Sébastien. When did you last make love to a beautiful woman?

Sébastien: It was eight years ago. And now this woman is my wife. It was during the festival of Cannes. I was very lucky because I was in the big houses with a singer and actor and all this showbusiness bullshit, you know. But I had to share a room with the woman who would become my wife. I didn't know her then. The first time we just sleep. Not fuck. Just sleep. Then after we make love.

When did you last make love to an ugly woman?

Before I was a singer, my way with girls was super, super bad. I have nothing against fat woman, but a lot of fat woman from time to time need a little love. But yes yes, before I became a singer my sexual life was only with ugly women.

So you were a bottom-feeder? A sexual catfish.

Yes because it's super hard to go in a club. “Hello, my name is Sebastian. Do you want to drink something?” For me it is the hardest thing in the world.

Did you find that fat girls were easier? Or is that just urban myth?

You know how fat girls are. They love when a guy try to seduce her. It's normal. And that gives confidence; because when I sleep with girls I don't say “you are ugly.” I say “oh you are beautiful.” It was not like “you're a pig.” No, I charm them.

Do you feel a lot of pressure on your shoulders, given your sexual reputation, to be an interesting and vibrant love maker? Do you maybe try and do extra bits of downstairs fiddling with your hands just to give a Sébastien Tellier level of value?

Yes, maybe! You know I did an album called Sexuality two years ago. From this album in the eyes of a lot of people I was an expert of sex and seduction. But for me, an album, it's just a dream. It is not real.

I guess so.

I do my best but I'm not on the top and I know it. But it was wonderful for me. In the eyes of a lot of people I was the seducer in my dreams. It was so easy to get the woman. I didn't do it because I was already with my wife. But it was another world. Pleasure everywhere. To be a singer it's a great opportunity to fuck. Even in modern society, the singer keeps a little part of glamour of everyone's dream. It's mysterious. After that you can be proud to say to your friend, “Yesterday, I fuck with Pete Doherty.”

But you don't regret getting married just as you were reaching your sexual peak?

No! Before to be married, I was obsessed to fuck the girl who is already married. I was excited by the idea. I never destroyed a couple in real life, but in my fantasy it was the case.

So you'd like to have sex with a woman while her husband watches bound and gagged on the other side of the room?

No no. I'm not this kind of guy. I'm OK for orgies sometimes. You know, why not. But no for me this thing is disgusting.

Would you let a woman massage your prostate? Or is that sacred?

Prostate. What is this?

Prostate…Uh… it is below the penis and, well, I'm not totally sure what it does, but let me get my little French dictionary out…

Oh pro-sta-te! No it's not my obsession. You know I am not very much into these sorts of tricks.

Your perversion is just 'sex'. You just like 'doing it'. That's your dirty little secret.

Yes exactly.

How many beds do you have in your house Sébastien?

Three. One for me and my wife. One for my son. And one in my living room. For me, that's the best way to work and to think: to lie down. Because I saw an interview of Martin Scorcese where he says that he likes to lie down when he is trying to come up with his best ideas, because it puts him in a mood of imagination. I say to myself: “Why not? I like this idea.”

To hover somewhere between dreams and reality.

Yes. Of course to try and make good music you have to be focused. When you compose your own music, it's not good to be super aware. Because it's not the same rules. Somewhere between dreams and reality is the perfect state to create.

You do all your best work in bed as they say.

The real poetry comes from this state. But I have a lot of enemy now. Because when I go to work in the studio in Paris or wherever I come with my little sports bed. You know and I put this bed, this carpet on the floor and I lie down. Because in the studio, I am the chief. I am the leader, but if I am giving orders lying down, some people take this as a provocation.

When do you make the bed? When you get up? Or do you wait till after breakfast?

Usually I don't take breakfast. For me it could be just a Coke Zero or a cigarette. Usually I go straight to the guitar or piano in my apartment, because my dreams are still in my mind, because later the reality is too much reality.

Very true. But the important question is: when do you make the bed?

I don't understand so I give the phone to the guy from the record company so I think he will be able to tell me.

Record Label Guy: Allo?

Hi. I just want to know when Sebastian makes the bed in the morning? Does he make it first thing? Or does he wait a little while? Or does he just leave it lying around unmade all day?

Record Label Guy: I'm sorry, I don't understand?

Hang on. Let me check Google. Uh… Faire le lit… ?

Record Label Guy: A oui!!! Fair le lit.

Sébastien: A oui!!! I don't make the bed because I have a maid. All the stuff like that. I really hate it. I prefer to spend my money to do nothing and be lazy on my sofa rather than to do it myself

You don't think that’s quite bourgeois of you?

Yes it's kind of bourgeois. When I was teenager I was between savage and monster. My room was always really full of garbage. But now I have a son and a wife, and I prefer to live in a clean house. Because a clean house give me a clean mind. And my spirit are clean too. Now, in this part of my life, I need something super-clean. It's not to become a bourgeois. Because I come from a tough suburb of Paris. So in my heart I'm always a guy from the tough suburb.

What nationality is your maid?

She is Polish. She is a fan of Metallica, you know? A lot of tattoos and all that.

So you've got a sort of sexy rocker maid.

No. Because one time I had a maid with big boobs. And one day, she saw me watching these boobs. And so we had to cut it, you know? Because I was so ashamed that you know I had to say goodbye.

Hmm. That sounds kind of tragic actually. All round.

Yes, it was very embarrassing.

What is your hiring process like for your servants?

Sébastien: Hello. OK. I just give the phone to the record label guy. Sorry for my bad English.

Record Label Guy: Allo?

Hello. Basically. When Sebastian employs a maid. What is the employment process like for him? Are there a lot of forms?

Record Label Guy: Quand tu recherche un domestique, comment comment ca marche, le proces?

Sébastien: OK I can answer the question. The process is you ask to friends. And you know someone who will someone who want to do this job.

A friend of a friend.

Yes exactly.

Lovely. Thank you Sébastien.

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