Record Store Day Is Lame

Photo Nick David/Getty

Ugh, another Record Store Day is upon us. The one day a year when music "fans" take an interest in vinyl. Forgive me if I think every day is Record Store Day, not just some manufactured holiday a.k.a. another shameless cash grab by the money-grubbing corporate music industry.

I get it: A lot of you hipsters just want something pretty you can hang on the wall next to your fedora or a cute colored seven-inch that will look fun and quirky when you're playing dress up and "listening to music" instead of watching YouTube videos of your favorite pop stars. And I'll admit: The first year, Record Store Day was pretty cool. I got some great exclusives and even a goodie bag of rare seven-inches from my local store. But it's been going downhill ever since. What's wrong with RSD? Let me count the reasons.

Hm, I could stand on line for three hours, waiting to buy a Record Store Day "exclusive," OR I could just wait three weeks when it's half the price on Discogs.

If you really want to laugh, go up to someone at Record Store Day and ask what gram vinyl they're holding. I guess when you're listening to "Holocene" on a floral-pattern Crosley, it all sounds the same.

And uh, yeah, I bet you're enjoying that Fleetwood Mac repressing. Too bad I bought my mint condition original pressing for $2 at Goodwill back in the day.

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A picture disc? Thanks but no thanks. They pick up so much more noise (not like most people who attend Record Store Day would notice). So forgive me if I just stick with regular black vinyl. If a picture disc is the only option, then fine. Otherwise, no thanks.

Oh, you're going to go pay $30 for an album you can get for $8 any other day of the year if you know where to go? Yeah, like I'm going to waltz into some store that doesn't respect me and just blow all my cash. I'll stick to finding REAL deals far away from you suckers.

A lot of the imbeciles who defend Record Store Day say that it gets people excited about music as a physical object. As if any real music fan could listen to some 128kbps mp3 and enjoy it. Trust me, most people stopped caring about music period a long time ago.

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You know, I might be interested in RSD if it were actually about the records. But these days it's all big box corporate record stores and the iron-fisted grip of the RSD organizers trying to choke small businesses out with their rules, all in the name of making a buck. When did selling music become all about making money?

The only thing funnier than the idea of Record Store Day is the idea of people who actually buy vinyl at Urban Outfitters. Um, I'm pretty sure you can save your $27 and just download a copy of Reflektor. But at least you can pick up a romper for "Coachella."

Look, if I wanted to buy an album pressed from CD masters I would just go buy a CD. Ha, just kidding. I'd rather cut off both my ears with a laser and get the same digitally processed sound. What is, this, 1998 on Cher's spaceship? Stop living in the past. Original Zep analog pressings or GTFOH.

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Back in my day, if you cared about vinyl, digging in the crates was a lifestyle, not something you pretended to do for Instagram likes in between cramming s*** in your ears on Spotify.

A question for all these basics with Crosleys: Have you ever even heard 180 gram vinyl on a McIntosh MC 275 tube amp? Too bad Marc Maron turned every aging hipster from the 70s onto them with that episode of his "funny" IFC show. Ugh.

Vinyl* not "vinyls."

I refuse to even acknowledge the existence of USB turntables. For me, there's something really intimate about enjoying a record in your living room, just embracing the personal experience of it.

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Some messenger bags aren't even 12 inches in diameter. What's the point? I won't buy a bag under 16 inches (I need more breathing room for nights when I'm DJing). I used to like Chrome bags because the width was generous, but sometimes the sleeves' spines would get crunched when I buckled the bag closed.

Jack White should be arrested for crimes against vinyl.

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Don't get me wrong. In theory, I like the idea of Record Store Day. It's just too bad it's become about collecting for rare-ness sake for casual vinyl collectors. Sorry but for me, "casual" does not mean waking up at 5 AM just to buy something for flipping on eBay. This year, I'll be spending Record Store Day the same way I spend every Saturday: Hanging out at home and listening to records like a real fan of music.

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