Things You Could Spend Your Cash on That Are Better Than £1,400 Radiohead Tickets

Radiohead are pretty forward thinking when it comes to navigating the #music #industry. Thom Yorke released an album via BitTorrent, In Rainbows was pay what you want, and in 2012 the band linked up with a site that allowed fans to sell tickets to other fans at face value. They were limited to two per transaction, with fans needing ID in order to enter the venue – a bit like Glastonbury, basically – thus undercutting secondary ticketing websites where prices are more inflated than Sam Smith‘s sense of social justice. Which is why it’s so weird that, when tickets for Radiohead’s world tour went on sale this morning, they were harder to get hold of than a squid covered in Vaseline.

Thousands of fans sat crying in front of screens that read: “You are currently at position 14,518 in the queue.” Tickets disappeared seemingly between 0.5 and one second, only to reappear on Viagogo a few minutes later at £1,400 a pop for one solitary standing ticket at London’s Roundhouse. And it wasn’t just fans that were vexed, either. “I’m as fucked off as you are,” Thom Yorke wrote on Twitter, “and I’m only human.”

If self-proclaimed human Thom Yorke, of the band Radiohead, can’t even regulate Radiohead tickets, then the rest of us have no chance. We are all destined to be ripped off by big business until the end of time, or the Internet, whichever goes first. Some have been questioning whether the tickets even existed at all, whether Radiohead are even real or just a projection of our collective imagination invented to make us all feel better. You can’t ticket happiness, can you, although I’m sure George Osborne will try.

Anyway, if you’re feeling miserable don’t worry. There are way cooler things you could spend £1,400 or less on than a singular Radiohead ticket. Here are just a small cross-section of those things.

You know that old saying, "Everything was Nicolas Cage and nothing hurt"? Well, Nicolas Cage once dropped $3.45 million on a haunted mansion owned by a former serial killer and another $300,000 on a 67-million-year-old Tarbosaurus skull on the black market (which he had to financially fight Leonardo DiCaprio to obtain). Do you think Nicolas Cage would waste £1,400 on fucking Radiohead tickets when he could buy over a hundred scatter cushions with his own face on? Exactly. Wake up.

This comes with a free lube pump thrown in. A no brainer.

Done something wrong recently? Parked on a double yellow? Lied about your expenses claims? Caught red-handed putting everything in your Tesco basket through as onions at a self-service checkout so that you only pay the weight in onions of your entire weekly shop? Don’t waste your money on a Radiohead ticket, why not just buy the silence of any witness or witnesses? £1,000 should keep them quiet for a few months at least.

Do you know what’s better than having money? Having more money! Why not sack off the rock concert and think about acquiring a mix of stock and bond index funds to go towards your retirement? That sounds exciting, doesn’t it. Probably more exciting than wondering whether your night will finally be the night they play “Creep”.

Stick it up the vegans one last time with your very own bacon coffin. You can buy a bacon coffin right here [Sponsored content]

Radiohead are good for those lonely times, but what about for those happy times? For just £25 per pop, you can get yourself a birthday video message from Christopher Biggins every year, for the next 56 years at least. Imagine, waking up on your birthday morning knowing that you have a Skype chat lined up from the man who played Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar? Leave the cake for later, mother, I got things to do!

Of course, at the ripe old age of 67, and in spite of his proud nose and determined hairline, there is a chance that Biggins won’t last another century. Unfortunately, CelebVM has no details about refunds.

The question here is simple: would you rather watch Radiohead, a band who sound like one man’s collection of herbal teas have spontaneously combusted inside a metallic vacuum, or own your own rollercoaster? Because the latter is exactly what Coaster Dad achieved for the same price as one Radiohead ticket. So I’ll repeat the question again. Do you want to be the Don Carleone of organised fun, the king-pin of the neighborhood, a true maverick? Or just someone who knows all the words to King of Limbs? Make the right choice. Be Coaster Dad. Get a rollercoaster.

One of the criticisms thrown at Radiohead fans is that they are all lonely misers that sit alone at home listening to “Paranoid Android”, reading truther theories, and painting abstract self-portraits, but we all know that isn’t true don’t we? Or at least it won’t be, when you use the £1,400 saved from not getting Radiohead tickets from Viagogo to buy yourself some good old fashioned friendship. Money goes a long way when it comes to friendship. So don’t be shy, flaunt those Queen’s faces for all their worth, and in no time, you’ll be Mr Popular. Trust me, the dudes from the office won’t be avoiding your gaze anymore once you’ve bought six rounds in a row at Harvester.

Once you’ve come to terms with the fact that planet Earth is slowly but surely rotting like a peach in a forgotten lunchbox, you can start looking at other options, so that when the inevitable comes and our species faces mass wipe out you can avoid all the drama and save yourself and your mates. That’s where the 112 acres of Mars comes in handy. Sure, you’ll need a lift, but once you’re there you can start your new life on your huge plot of Mars land and save humankind from universal extinction. So, what will it be – Radiohead tickets, or the whole of humankind?

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