POW! Lethal Bizzle

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Lethal Bizzle

Gavin: Hi Lethal Bizzle. When did you first realise that inventing and popularising a new word could be an effective marketing tool for your new album release cycle?

Lethal B: I don’t even know bruv… I’m always coming up with these words. It more just happens with me and my boys when we fuck around and try and come up with stuff. It’s only with social media that you can start to see how these things get absorbed, go beyond you. I think 100,000 people have now hash-tagged dench.

If you go on Urban Dictionary right now, one of the definitions of ‘dench’ is: “An over-used term (in the south of the UK at least) coined recently by some rapper dude on a radio show It actually means fuck all and is an attempt to move away from 'real' terms such as 'cool'. For example: "that manoeuvre was dench blud”. What do you say to the author of this definition: RandomBlud?

He’s a dickhead! That’s what he is. And he needs to [hashtag?] leave it. It’s beyond someone just having a review about it. There are people using it now who don’t even know who I am. That’s the genius of it. I think he should be putting ‘it’s fucking genius’, not whatever he put. He’s a doughnut, mate.

You are an urban artist. So surely the urban dictionary is the dictionary for you? You’re already there. Why set your sights on the Oxford one? You’ll never make Oxford. You’re not Oxford material.

We’re beyond Oxford blud. The whole categorising thing is just to keep us in a box. I don’t just make urban music. I do different things. Dench is just beyond me being an urban artist. People from Eastenders, they’re writing dench in their scripts and I’m sure they’re not even sure who I am. If twerking is in the dictionary - what the fuck? Well then, it’s a privilege for me to let them put dench in their dictionary.

Who is the cleverest person you’ve ever met?

Uhmm.. [thinks for six minutes] Probably Frank Skinner. I done a TV show thing with him the other day and he was just talking about some stuff and it seems like he knows his stuff.

He’s a big reader. And he’s a big Catholic too. He’s actually very religious.

I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s why he’s very peaceful. He takes his time. He analyses things. I could tell when I was talking to him, he really tries to understand the person he’s talking to.

Who do you think should play Judy Dench in a film of her own life?

Pat Butcher. I think Pat Butcher would be dench. She’s got the earrings for it.

Do you think a female M is believable, or do you justly feel that it is risible bullshit that would never happen in reality?

Yeah, pretty much, I reckon so, yeah. But I think Judy Dench really owned that role. It’s a bit of a twist, you get me? It’s a bit obvious that in the real world it’s probably just men in suits pushing the buttons, but at the end of the day it’s about entertainment, isn’t it?

Judy Dench’s new film is called Philomena, about a woman who goes looking for the baby that was taken from her as an unwed mother in Ireland in the 60s. How do you feel about fatherhood? Would you actually like it if a baby came slithering out of a woman’s wotsit into your arms and looked up at you with your own eyes?

You know what, I ain’t had any yet, but I been told a few things by my cousin who had a baby. He was telling me: mate you know what - the vagina really opens up. The scenes are really quite… disturbing. He said he couldn’t go down on her for a while.

What, for actual technical reasons, or it was just no longer palatable?

I think he found it very stressful. At the same time it was very… awkward, I think was what he said. But you know, I embrace having kids. I haven’t had any yet, but I think you should embrace it. I’m looking forward to fatherhood.

No near-misses so far?

Nothing I know about, put it that way.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever bought for a child under two?

An Arsenal kit - I think it cost 30 quid. It was for my cousin’s boy. Start ‘em young.

Can a grime artist still look dench while wearing a baby harness and spooning apple puree into an infant?

Nah, that’s pretty leave it, man.

Isn’t that perhaps actually the denchest thing in the world: paternal love and responsibility?

Yeah, it’s about being responsible, but that sounds a bit extreme. A bit leave it.

Do you think it’s weird that no one has any memories of being a baby? That the brain simply wipes the tapes? Do you think there is a solid evolutionary reason for not being able to remember slithering out of the womb?

I know! That’s a fucked up thing, isn’t it? You’re in the belly for nine months. It’s the most weirdest time of your life and you can’t remember fuckall. It is really weird. There must be a pill they can give you or something to change that. I guess that’s why they’ve got video cameras now, so you can see your head come out of your mother’s vagina.

Did you cry a lot as a baby? Or were you one of those stoic, unbending babies?

I’m not sure I cried, but my mum used to tell me I used to kick and punch her. I’d sleep during the day but when she went to sleep kick and punch her. At one point she though I was dead cos I wasn’t moving: and she went to the hospital and they were like “no no. His sleeping patterns are just the exact opposite of yours.” So I was a bit of a wild one. Explains a lot.

Wiley famously allegedly has a Nando’s black card. What major food or consumables outlets have offered you discounts or preferential treatment?

WHAT WILEY’S GOT A BLACK CARD?

Apparently so.

Fackin’ ell. That’s what I’m waiting for. I’m waiting for a black card. They parred me and gave me some vouchers.

I thought that was one of the top three facts everyone knew about Wiley.

Nah. Did not know that before. I think that’s why they didn’t give it to me. No offence, we’re black and we love chicken. End of the month the bills’d be like mortgage payments.

How much are we talking in terms of these vouchers?

They’re like chequebooks. So like, whenever I want one, they’ll just send em. They’ll never give me more than a hundred quid. Forty quid here, forty there. It’s alright, it’s better than nothing. But a black card could be useful. Big em up in the interview man: say they’re the best.

That’s against my code of ethics, I’m afraid. Did you have to apply for that?

I think I mentioned it in a magazine or paper and they got in touch. And apparently they said they don’t do the black cards anymore.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @HurtGavinHaynes

Illustration by Sam Taylor: @SptSam