Panic on the Streets of London: Could Morrissey Be Your Mayor?

This article originally appeared on Noisey UK.

Savor that dripping pulled pork sandwich you’re currently clutching onto, as it may be your last—if the latest London mayoral hopeful has anything to say about it that is. Steven Patrick Morrissey, known in a professional capacity as Morrissey or Mozzer, has been approached by the Animal Welfare party to stand as their candidate for the London mayoral race. An offer which, according to Morrissey fan-site True to You, he is considering “very seriously”. If Morrissey actually wants to become Mayor he’ll need to collect 330 signatures – at least ten from each London borough—before his name will be eligible for the ballot paper.

In a cheery statement outlining his convictions on the importance of an Animal Welfare candidate he said, “There must be a governmental voice against the hellish and archaic social injustice allotted to animals in the United Kingdom simply because those animals do not speak English, otherwise millions of very caring citizens are greatly concerned about issues that no one is able to do anything about.” Not quite as snappy as "Clean for the Queen," but at least he’s got a clear idea of what he wants to achieve.

So what exactly should we expect if he does get the job? Well his statement gives us some clues, and unsurprisingly, the main agenda is meat, which is, in case you hadn’t heard, murder. In no uncertain terms Morrissey states, “The meat industry, after all, shows no compassion towards the planet, towards climate change, towards animals, towards human health. It is diabolically contrived and is the world’s No 1 problem.”

Following that it seems Frijj will struggle to do anything resembling reasonable business in the capital, judging by Mozzer’s additional conviction that “if you are a part of the milk-drinking population, then you condone systems of torture.” Certainly taints your Seriously Strawberry Shakes. Finally, on top of that, Jamie’s 30-Minute Meals will struggle to record another series once the mayor officially has the naked chef banished from the city, and then probably minced so he knows how it feels. In his words, “If animal serial killer Jamie Oliver feels so passionate about including ‘kid meat’ (young goat) into the human diet, would he consider putting forth one of his own kids (children) for general consumption?” It’s no secret that animal welfare is given nowhere near enough airtime in Westminster, but Morrissey’s tendency to favour the apocalyptic over the political make his chances of getting people to take the subject seriously pretty unlikely.

So that’s London in 2017 folks. No milk for you, and TV chefs forced to eat their children. Kinda sounds like something Charlie Brooker would write in Black Mirror. That said, last time Charlie Brooker wrote something like this in Black Mirror—like the prime minister chirpsing a pig—it didn't end up being a million miles away from reality, did it? Panic on the streets of London indeed

You can follow Angus on Twitter.