Kanye Got Emotional This Weekend

While the internet collectively obsessed over Kim K and her late (or non existent) menstruation, soon to be confused, nappy straddling, poo-wiping, father, Kanye West, had one of his infamous onstage rants. After performing the freemason 2K12 theme tune "Clique", Yeezy spewed out a load of consonant based bile about the media and exactly why he’s snubbing this year's Grammy ceremony.

The rant is pretty long, clocking in at five minutes. So, since this is the internet and reading this is probably fitting in somewhere between your Twitter and Facebook rotation continuum, here’s a comprehensive list of what went down.

Kanye Is Being Promoted to Illuminati CEO

After initially dropping out of college to intern at the Illuminati's fashion label, Kanye was inspired by the chicken to salad ratio in his overpriced lunch and began to craft his way toward the top ranks, successfully producing the establishment’s soundtrack for the past two years. It looks like the days of grabbing coffee and making Jay Z sound good again are over, as Ye is bout to become CEO of the whole clique. Basically, it won’t be long now till we see a G.O.O.D Music takeover with stores, movies, clothes and operas on the horizon.

Which reminds me, Ye, where’s that Cruel Summer movie at?

Kanye Is Disappointed

Do you hear that? Kanye is disappointed. He’s disappointed in you, the media. He’s not satisfied with the motherfuckers who let him play a three night residency in a casino and he’s not satisfied with the motherfuckers who gave his devil's advocate of a girlfriend a TV show (the media!) They’ve painted him with slurs of “crazy” and “deranged” but he’s not, he’s just dissatisfied. Listen, ‘Ye, I feel you BB. You’re misunderstood. But, like all the emo kids in secondary school, you revel in it. Take below for example.

Kanye Was Told He’d Never Be A Rapper

Back when I was young I wanted to be a rapper. The only thing in my way was that I lived in a three bedroom house in one of those new build estates and carried a lunchbox to school. It wasn’t very gangster. My dad told me that there wasn’t a rap market in Surrey and I cried my eyes out. Later, I grew the fuck up. This is sorta like that, except, instead of a reality conditioned dad, Kanye had a load of producers telling him that “he didn’t look gangster enough, where was his throwback and fitted hat, and why the fuck was he trying to rap?” Apparently he was pretty good at it though and him and Jigga are best buds, so, erm, why you mad now bro?

He’s Snubbing The Grammys This Year

[Heavy emotional warning for the above video.]

Yeezy does in fact make a fair point on this one. How many Grammys does he have? Six? Seven? Eight? Nah, motherfucker. He got eighteen (All in the black categories though, but none the less, eighteen!) That’s almost as many Grammys for years that I’ve been alive. Anyway, he’s giving the award ceremony a miss this year on account of losing Best New Artist to Maroon 5 and for both Watch The Throne and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy being snubbed at previous ceremonies. First up, Maroon 5 are a credible drive-time rock band. They exist because soccer mums with 4x4s exist and besides, they won the award back in 2005 aka. time to get over it. Moreover, surely the Grammy snubs are just a big fat highlight of the awards' ever decreasing cultural relevance and depressingly loose understanding rap world? Basically, duh, this doesn't need pointing out Ye.

But I still love you Kanye. Maybe fatherhood will calm you down a bit, eh?

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