Is The X Factor Still Broken?

Here’s a £64,000 question: who won last year’s X Factor? Not easy is it? Last year’s series was some of the darkest days for the franchise. While Cowell poured all his resources into futilely trying to save the US version, the British series felt like a forgotten government initiative that had been “sunsetted” after realising it was totally impractical, left in the hands of a few low-level bureaucrats (Gary Barlow, Louis Walsh) to oversee, but choked of any funding or resources.

That should have been it - but with Cowell and Cole (sorry Tweedy, sorry Fernandez-Versini, sorry what?) back in the judging chairs and Mel B, the last sentient Spice Girl, replacing Sharon Osbourne, there is a potential for the X Factor to revert back to the glory year(s?)

CHERYL'S FACE

She’s just a human emoji. Look at her:

Sleepy.

Surprised while imaginary singing.

NOT PRETENDING IT'S A NATIONAL TALENT SEARCH

For the first time in the show’s history, we were not shown the traditional images of thousands upon thousands queueing to “meet the judges”, when really they’re just there to be filmed queuing to meet the judges before being told by a producer that they’re not fit/ugly enough.

MEL B

Really proved herself when some boy was banging on about how fit he thinks Cheryl is and she goes “What am I chopped liver?” Basically the most Jewish thing to happen on the X Factor since Stacey Solomon.

“DERM”

If producers had any nerve they would have given Caroline Flack the ITV1 gig. Instead we get this insincere arse-hat, who so obviously doesn’t want to be there that if you look closely you can see the Uber waiting outside to take him back to his hotel room at the end of each link. He presents Like it's a corporate awards show, putting in the bare minimum amount of effort to get paid, but demonstrating, at all times, that’d he rather be elsewhere. I swear, the only reason people like him is because he hugs people. Well guess what, so did Rolf Harris and Tony Blair.

THE TALENT

Any talented young singer with half a brain and sense of personal style has learnt by this point that the X Factor isn’t the best way to launch a career in music. So the only people really left to audition are cheeky teenage with calcium deficiency and straw hats who cover Olly Murs in the style of Ed Sheeran, and old people who could have maybe been popstars in the 80s if they’d put the effort in but instead chose a life of job security and carbs, and now think they deserve a second shot.

THE FORMAT

Why are we in rooms again? I thought it was so people sang a capella but now they’re allowed tracks and guitars? And then when do we see them in the arenas? If it’s not on Sunday night then why does it need to be on both nights? All a bit poorly thought out.

ANDREA FAUSTINI

Like Harry Crane from Mad Men if he wore his girlfriend’s socks and bought male jewelry from Fat Face, Andrea was probably the best contestant of the weekend. He arrived with a toy figurine which he claimed was Mel B but looked disconcertingly like Rihanna in that domestic abuse photo.

Andrea was painted as the Susan Boyle of the episode; a book you shouldn’t judge by its cover (although in this case, the “cover” was poor styling and being foreign, rather than physical unattractiveness and considerable mental illness). His performance of "Who’s Loving You" showed promise and he pulled some great vinegar strokes on the high notes. Afterwards Cheryl said, “you’re proof that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover”, because sometimes it's better to just explain to the audience what's going on.

KITTEN AND THE HIP

Like The Ting Tings but with slightly more chemistry, Kitten and The Hip are a bald former-cyberpunk wearing camo trousers and a my-dad’s-also-my-drugdealer jacket and his internet bride who I think is one of those inflatable manikins they have in Punkyfish. Their act was basically them both scatting (not like that) out of time with each other, sort of like Tenacious D do in the breakdown to “Tribute”. In the end they only put the girl through - with Cheryl's ominous warning that there’s a lot she “would change” (aka - she’s going to get dragged through an All Saints backwards). I think that’s what they both wanted after all. This audition is one of those positive upbeat stories that you don't normally get with human trafficking.

(She's not actually an internet bride, he's Ashley Slater, best mates with Fatboy Slim and the man behind UK Number 1 "Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out". Here's the two of them, looking way more normal, performing it in a bar somewhere. The duo have already been releasing before Hed Kandi and a bunch of their videos are online, including the song they performed. So there you go.)

ARIZE

These were inexplicably the whitest two episodes of the X Factor I think there’s ever been, which bummed me out as the highlight of the auditions tend to be brassy soul-renditions of Etta James and Jennifer Hudson by mouthy South London sixth-formers. Arize were pretty much the only exception - with less than a minute of screen time but with a very serviceable Little Mix cover. Also, I live in London so it’s hard for me to feel a local connection to any of the contestants in the way I imagine people from Romford do. But I feel like that girl in the acid-wash denim shirt with black Minnie Mouse buns is definitely “one of us” if “us” is people who to go to R&B revival nights on Kingsland Road on a Thursday night.

LINZI MARTIN

I’ve been in a few X Factor auditions and what’s notable you get a bit of reaction from one of Cowell’s put downs - teary acceptance, deluded disbelief - but the real unravelling happens afterwards, often away from the cameras, as people who have taken holiday from work and told all their friends they’re going to be on the show realise they’re going to have to go back to it all. It’s quite unnerving.

Clearly Cowell’s realised that this is where a lot of the drama is too, because instead of making snarky remarks which leave the contestants with a weird kind of “I’m going to prove you wrong” hope, he’s travelled to the more emotional territory of telling someone - this is never going to work.

Linzi Martin was in one of Cowell’s bands Girl Thing in the 90s and is here for a second chance. But she’s really not up to scratch and Cowell has to tell her in gentle but certain terms that this is never going to happen for her. Linzi is a fucking mess about it all and it’s kind of heartbreaking to watch.

Except that Linzi was actually on this season of the Big Reunion so she’s already had the brief return to the spotlight she’s always craved, something she failed to mention at any point. You know what babes, get over yourself; you can’t sing yet you’ve had two goes at being a popstar. Count yourself lucky.

JALE ANTOR

Sure, it’s only one song, but it’s great to see a bit of the Kate Bush comeback on TV.

Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamWolfson

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