Is Music Actually More Sexualised Now?

The moral compass of our nation is going to hell in a handjob. Robin Thicke expects your children to prance naked around him as he decides which one to convince into sleeping with him against their better judgement. Miley has corrupted tweens through hypnosis, her oscillating butt sending them trance-like into jobs at their local Spearmint Rhino.

Or so that's what the Comment Is Frigid opinion pieces would have you believe. But songs have been pure filth since the beginning of time. Just listen to these classic blues and folk songs. They're literally all about pussy.

"Poontang" – The Treniers

If we disregard what every teacher in the world has told us and take Wikipedia for fact, then Poontang means: (vulgar: female genitalia): poon, tang, pussy, punani, cooch, coochie, cunt, gash, slit, snatch, twat, hatchet wound, whisker biscuit, vertical smile, pink taco, clam, bearded clam.

I’ve never heard anyone use the terms pink taco, clam or whisker biscuit before, but if Bieber came out with a song tomorrow in which he stated “until I get weak at the knees, I’m going right out to get some poontang” Gawker would have a fucking field day.

"Let Me Play With Your Poodle" – Lightnin Hopkins

Here's a pretty ditty about the courtship of bestiality. The main theme of the song revolves around a man who wants to “play with your poodle” X15. It’s innocent enough but so was “High School Confidential” until everyone found out that Jerry Lee Lewis probably fingered his 13 year-old cousin.

"I Found Your Keyhole" - Al Miller

This was recorded before the second world war, yet easily trumps Robin Thicke in the creepy stakes. "I found your keyhole baby, but my key just won't go in!" sings Miller at least ten times. The whole thing has a vague undercurrent of sexual assault - such as "I believe to my soul, I've got my key in the wrong keyhole!". Classic accidental anal rape right there. Perhaps most worrying, though, is the "It's beginning to bend!" line. Maybe you should get that seen to?

"I Need A Little Sugar In My Bowl" - Bessie Smith

As YouTube commenter Widmerpool99 rightly notes: "Good lord, she's singing about her vagina". Even Rihanna's metaphors are a bit less blatant than "I need a little hot dog, between my rolls". Also features the best reaction to a man's penis ever sung about, with "It's dark down there! Looks like a snake!"

"He's Just My Size" - Lillie Mae Kirkman

Props must go to Lillie Mae Kirkman for conjuring up the following rhyming couplet at a time when television was still drenched in black and white. It's only testament to how dirty us humans have always been over a song format:

“He's a kitchen mechanic, and he makes my biscuits rise,

He use the best bakin' powder, and his biscuit's just my size”

The quantity and quality of culinary-shaped euphemisms on show here would make Nigella take notes. You'd be hard pushed to ever hear semen disguised as baking powder in the Internet age.

"Sweet Honey Hole" - Blind Boy Fuller

Blind Boy Fuller obviously had a penchant for the cooch with a discography dotted with titles like "What's That Smells Like Fish" and "Let Me Squeeze Your Lemon". However our fave has to be this elongated analogy likening vagina to that glutinous bee bi-product. As well as condign across like a really primitive version of Khia’s “My Neck My Back”, it promotes cunnilingus as the great sharing activity nature planned it out to be. Even if lines like “Now you talk about your honey, you haven't tasted mine” sound like a 40 year old virgin’s stale attempt at getting laid.

"Banana in Your Fruit Basket" - Bo Carter

Yet again, long before Nigella Lawson was on our screens giggling at un-licked mixing bowls and fellating balloon whisks there was Bo Carter, apparently a master of kitchen innuendo. The lyrics of ingeniously titled "Banana in Your Fruit Basket" range from "I got the washboard, my baby got the tub / We gonna put 'em together, gonna rub, rub, rub" to "Churn until my butter come" to "Mmmmmmm, gonna let my banana ruin." Subtle as a can of spray cream, bruh.

"I'm a Mighty Tight Woman" - Sippie Wallace

HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! Sippie's 1929 song, which opens with "I've come to you, pretty papa/ Falling on my knees" makes me wonder why over half a century later everyone had kittens when Lil Kim gleefully rapped about getting her growler pummelled. Nevertheless, "I'm a Mighty Tight Woman" is probably one of the earliest pu$$y power anthems, I only wish nasty ass freak, Sippie, was still around today to cat call rudeboys and talk about awk rimming experiences with.

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