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Here's What You Should do if You're Annoyed That Metallica is Playing Glastonbury

Glastonbury isn't just about one band.
Ryan Bassil
London, GB

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The full Glastonbury line-up was just announced and, not that I'm counting, but it says that at least 240 artists are playing plus “more acts to be announced over 100 stages”. This is impressive; it's the same price as Reading and Leeds but you get 16 times the amount of stages and it's not all music, either. You're able to go to the circus, paint pottery, get a massage, shit in the woods, crawl through rabbit holes into Wonderland, and learn about witchcraft. It's Disneyland but for intoxicated adults.

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However, despite the entertainment mega-load, a lot of people are really annoyed that one band has been added to the bill.

That band is called Metallica and here’s a bunch of people that, assumedly, really don’t like them:

I get that the addition of Metallica has resulted in the weakest trio of Glastonbury headliners in recent memory. Kasabian, Arcade Fire and Metallica - it's a disappointing line-up. But I still don't get why people are so annoyed. Maybe Metallica will rock so hard that their gross cyclic vibrations will melt Win Butler's face and turn the produce of the Buffalo Burger van into rancid hemorrhoids. "Enter Sandman" could transfigure festival-goers into larval flies that are yet to sprout angel wings and, perhaps Lars Ulrich, still angry that people downloaded his album off Napster, has developed a technology that will allow Metallica to morph; taking the place of every other band playing the festival's 100 stages and making the patronage unable to watch anyone but Metallica. Or - as I've learnt from spending a lot of time on the internet - people get annoyed at everything. I don't know; it would be wrong to assume.

Either way, if you’re really annoyed that Metallica are playing Glastonbury here’s a bunch of other things that you could do:

- Don’t watch Metallica.

- The majority of people will be at the Pyramid Stage. Use this to your advantage and plan your toilet-break. This way you won't have to queue or look someone square in the eyes while crossing urine swords.

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- This freedom also applies to other basic activities. If you're hungry - get an ostrich burger / swordfish paella / koala bear pie / any kind of food that costs £7 or above. It'll still cost the same but at least you won't get infuriated everytime someone pushes in front of you in the queue and neglects to ready their payment.

- Walk to the top of the massive hill that overlooks the festival, complain that you're really tired because you've just walked up the massive hill that overlooks the festival, and then feel really happy that you're overlooking the festival.

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- Find the Piano Bar. It's a really tiny, super-exclusive area that hosts the sort of one-of-a-kind events that you only ever read about once you've got home and had a shower. Mumford & Sons played to 15 people at the Piano Bar last year but hopefully this year the bill will include a band that don't pretend to be farmers.

- Eat a space cake. Wait for half an hour and then eat another one because you're convinced that the first one didn't work. Then spend the next five hours sat in your tent trying to escape a mental contusion. Use your sleeping bag as a straitjacket.

- Visit the Greenfields. Paint a pot. Bring it home to your parents. Tell them that you love them.

- Hunt down the benovelent souls that want to give you "free hugs".

- Visit the Healing Fields and go to the Laughter Workshop. Tell the owner that you're interested in understanding exactly how laughter can be engineered and accidently get into an uncomfortably long conversation. Leave. Tell him that you're going to go and watch Metallica; it's the perfect excuse.

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- For some reason lots of people don't bring enough money to festivals and spend the entire time carrying around tower blocks of paper cups. If you're short on money and also have a passion for carrying around other people's rubbish, this is the perfect opportunity to pick up the entire population of Brothers cider cups. Spend about two hours doing this and maybe you'll eventually get to drink a free cider.

- Watch any act on any of the 100+ stages.

- Visit The Unfairground or Shangri-La and revel in the fact that, because most people will be watching Metallica, it will be considerably empty. This means you will be able to walk around without bumping into drunken forty-year olds that insist on using other humans as support when they start to tumble face-down into the mud.

- If it's been raining, use the hour that Metallica are playing to reduce the water that's threatening your tent and sleeping conditions. The programs that are handed out upon entry have been designed exactly for this.

- Take a bunch of drugs, accidently watch Metallica, and fucking love it.

- Count the amount of bucket-hats, straw-hats and comedy-hats that you've seen while at the festival and make a mental note to never wear any of them.

- Visit the circus. Why not?

- Accept a balloon of laughing gas. And then another. And then another. And then another. Enjoy it for thirty-seconds and then feel disappointed that you spent money on a bastardised children's toy instead of real narcotics.

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- Take a sauna at Sam's Magic Hat; everyone in there is naked. Pass out from the heat and wake up because the stench of genitals that haven't been washed in three days will smell worse than a fridge full of decomposing mince. Go and look at a mermaid at the Fish and Tits bar.

I'm sure that's enough activities to preoccupy Metallica-haters for a couple of hours. I've tried to include something for everyone and I hope it helps.

Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil

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