Fuck Off James Corden, This is Who Should Present The Brit Awards 2015

The Brit Awards happened last night, everyone got really drunk, and a bunch of forgettable people with really boring names won an award that resembled a pizza cutter from the future. Alex Turner put in an altruistic pitch for a Comment Is Free article, Harry Styles spent a lot of time in the toilet - probably because he had an itchy arse - and Pharrell performed the song “Happy”, a tune that is scientifically proven to do exactly what it says until your flatmate listens to it 56 times in one day. In between these limp spots of entertainment sat James Corden, the only TV presenter in the world who is able to make a Beyonce performance sound underwhelming.

Thankfully, it’s his last year presenting The Music Event of The Year and he’s fucking off back to somewhere, counting royalty cheques from his co-write of One Direction’s “Best Song Ever” and telling jokes that wouldn’t get any retweets. Apparently Nick Grimshaw wants to take over his position but does anyone really want that to happen? Here’s a bunch of people who we want to present the Brit Awards in 2015.

Danny Dyer

“Good evening London! Welcome to my fucking gaff” slobbers Danny Dyer, from behind the bar on a set done out like the Queen Vic. Danny’s glamorous assistants, Densie Van Outen and Sarah Harding, who starred with him in the worst film of all time, will join him in loads of pre-scripted capers where Danny threatens “to nut” Dappy, and Denise has to break the fight up with her womanly charms, if you know what we mean oi oi wink wink lads lads lads.

Sandra and Sandy from Gogglebox

Sitting on their sofa, drinking tropical juice out of a Pot Noodle, asking who everyone is, kissing their teeth at One Direction, shouting at each other, with their mouths full, cackling their way through all the performances. This has to happen.

Amazing Boy Bob