Big Narstie's Guide To Game Of Thrones...UPDATED!

After I spoke with Mr Narstie about the subtle nuances, thrilling plot lines and Academy Award worthy acting that makes EastEnders such a credible programme, it became clear that we had quite the telly critic on our hands. So, not wanting to miss an opportunity to plumb his fountain of TV knowledge, I caught up with our new favourite reviewer, to get his opinion on the much anticipated return of Medieval blood-lust and gratuitous vag-shot fest, 'Game Of Thrones'. You're welcome.

SPOILER ALERT! TELL US HOW YOU FELT WHEN THE HOUSE OF FREY TOOK OUT WINTERFELL?

Listen yeah, I was smoking weed in my underpants till four in the morning…broken. The House of Frey wiped out the whole of Winterfell and it broke me. It broke me as a person

Imagine yeah, know what happened to Ned Stark innit yeah, the beef with the Lannisters? So, the King of the North, Robb Stark, he had to holler at the Frey man and be like “rah, I’ll marry one of your daughters so you can back me 'cos I need some extra man in the war.” So they made an oath but by this time Ned’s head has been chopped off and everything's bonkers. Meanwhile, Robb’s found some true love, a nurse but she's actually a princess. Anyway, the ting he was going to marry before was ugly, like, she was a write off. Get me? Dead food.

So boom now Robb’s found his true love so obviously if he goes back on the wedding it's a breach of the oath. So the Frey man are gonna beef. But, on a bad man ting, he's like alright, I still want my true love. Fair play innit, live your life. Anyway, imagine I’m Robb. The Frey family have invited me to the wedding, cos instead of marrying me off they married my cousin to keep it trill. But Frey man are pussyholes, they wait till they come to the house just to dead every raaaaarrse of them. EVERY one of them. Oh my gosh it got so peak, I was breaking down by now

Imagine now we're all sitting down at this wedding, you're my true love I'm trying to put in that butter, give you a hug and that. Obviously, it's disrespectful, you can't do that. Then Frey man is like "So Stark you think you're better than us? You were supposed to marry my daughter and you went back on your word, do you think all is forgiven? GUARDS!” Then ooohhh shit, mans just SLIT your neck, even cut your mum up. But see the mums a G, imagine now you've shanked me up and Robb’s mum just grabs your wife and is like “I got your missus by the neck” threatening to shank her like "let my son go, he's not going to come back for revenge." She knew she was gonna die still, but you gotta take someone with you.

I started breaking DOWN, she got her neck slit, they killed the wolf, like, didn’t even let them it out of the cage to war. But Arya, the daughter who got away, now she’s cutting through the bush and hears Frey man boasting about how they killed all of Winterfell. Now, get me, she's only 11 fam but she calls her knife the needle, this is how I want my daughter to be like. Anyway, so imagine she's on the back of the horse here and man’s talking like "all the Starks are dead, I cut off the wolf's head." Then Arya, she’s just hopped off the horse, walked up to man all sweet like "excuse me, can I have something to eat? I have money?" So she gives him a little 50 pence piece or something, drops it, he's gone to pick it up and she’s like "FUCK OFF YOU CUNT" and starts SHANKING man in the neck. GET ME? Shanking man in the neck about a wolf. But true, you’ve got to back your animal cuz. Swear down if someone kicked my dog, that's PAIN for them.

Anyway, after all that even Ed Sheeran was broken down, y’know, all he said was "Brixton will ride out for Winterfell". Ride OUT fam.

I can’t explain, it was peak, I’m shaking right now. Even though it’s TV, I mean, see Joffrey yeah? He’s a scumbag. If I saw him here now, I'd calmly give Tony my bag…and the little bit of weed on me…and I would FUCK him up. I would get shifted, yeah, but I'd walk myself to the police station and just hope my bedroom and that was tidy. Swear on my mum, if I see him I will bang him up.

WHY IS GAME OF THRONES AMAZING?

Like, EastEnders will always have my heart but Game of Thrones is deep, it's heart felt. I've always liked Medieval films; all knights and swords, shit before guns…it's proper man stuff. Basically the build-up is sick and the hate that I got for Joffrey Baratheon has made me take this thing deep. Like, Joffrey is a full-on-cunt. I do understand the vulgarity of that word but he is an evil little cunt. This what's so fucked though, yeah, Jamie Lannister and Joffrey's mum, Cersei, they're brother and sister, like, same mum and dad. That's a fucking Joey and Lauren EastEnders style incest happening. They're smashing it, having private Muay Thai classes in the castle of Winterfell, and Ned Stark's son, who's like ten years old or something, he sees them having incest. And do you know what the fuckers do? Jamie pushed him out of the window! How you gonna push a little kid out the window because he caught you having sex with your sister, you dirty little shit!

BUT…HAS GAME OF THRONES MADE YOU CONSIDER INCEST?

There are enough women out there for you not to have sex with your family. There's no situation that will make me have sex with my own flesh and blood, I'm not a pikey, this is not Jeremy Kyle.

EVEN IF YOU HAD A REALLY HOT SISTER?

Look…so here's what's happened; Joffrey is the product of inbreeding. His real dad is Jamie Lannister and Ned Stark found out that he's an inbred child, so Joffrey's mum decides to get Ned killed and they cut off his head in the middle of the square and call him a traitor. Seriously. But Ned's daughter, Sansa, promised to marry Joffrey. But, y'know, Joffrey's a little fuck-boy because he goes on like he's hard and that, but as soon as there's trouble, he starts to fucking cry. Then Ned's Stark's daughter - who was supposed to be Joffrey's wife - now she's a dumb little bitch, because if she let that fucking wolf eat Joffrey at the beginning when he tried to stab her sister, Aria, none of this shit would've happened. But she prefers this little fucking twat to her sister and they end up killing the first wolf.

When the fucking war comes to Kings Landing, Joffrey's hiding in a fucking room with his mum thinking about committing suicide. Man's thinking about drinking poison than getting a fucking knife in him like a little fuck-boy. THEN his uncle, Tyrion, was like "maybe he needs to have more love in his life, to stop being such a cunt". So he hires some prostitutes to go to his bedroom to have sex with him and you know what this fucker did? He just made them beat each other with some iron bar, then he got a STAG'S HEAD and shoved the antlers into the girl's fanny. No lube, NOTHING. Not even the devils lube…spit, it was DRY wood. I weren't there, it's nothing to do with me, but trust me that was sick. So, THAT's what's wrong with incest.

…WOW, YOU REALLY HATE JOFFREY…

You have to watch it to see how deep it is. Joffrey's a real coward, but he's a coward with power. He's on killing so many people but doesn't want to do it himself because he's a fucking PUSSY, I swear down. He's a little shit, bruv, I can't even talk about him in a nice way. He's got no backbone, there is literally nothing in his body that makes him trill.

PHIL MITCHELL VERSUS THE HOUND?

Are you mad? The Hound would fuck him up bruv, I'm not even gonna lie. Come on man, Phil's only good with a baseball bat.

WHAT WOULD YOU BE LIKE IF YOU WERE IN GAME OF THRONES?

I'd be in Winterfell, the house of the Wolf. Or, if I had my own house, it would be the house of #BASE and the motto would be Don't Fuck Up The Base, obviously. Actually, it's Medieval…so it would be "Thou Shalt Not Fucketh Up The Base". All the black characters are like a pirate or a slave, but if I were in it, I'd just be a rassclart G. I'd be hanging out with Tyrion and smoking with Robb Stark; Stark's a real nigga and a real G. But, y'know, it'd be a bit funny for me in those times because there are no antibiotics, there's not even any fucking X-Box. I mean, even with all the beautiful women; you've got to remember there's no Carex gel invented in them days, you get me? I ain't got OCD but cleanliness is important for mans. Like, bruv, a lot of guys have foreskin…I've got foreskin…but in them Medieval days, mans must have yogurt coming out of their denim. I don't mind being an observer of sex…but imagine if it was smell-o-vision. BRUV!

DOES GAME OF THRONES HAVE TOO MUCH SEX?

There needs to be more fanny…MORE! Now, I'm a PornHub connoisseur, but I'd give up PornHub for Game of Thrones. See Khaleesi, Daenerys Targaryen - the mother of dragons- she is fucking sexy. She's the fittest woman on the show; you can tell her I said that as well. But I feel so sorry for the way she lost her virginity, no one should have to go through that bruv. Imagine this, yeah, the first time you're going to have sex is with a barbarian, on the edge of the sea with some rocks. I don't even know if he washed his penis, he's probably got cauliflower growing around his bell-end. But then he didn't even finger her, there was no foreplay or nothing, he just shoved it in there, just BIG penetration. Imagine there's no foreplay in Medieval times? That's fucked.

WERE YOU SAD WHEN THEY KILLED SEAN BEAN OFF?

No…I mean…yeah. But he always dies though, innit, it's kind of expected. He never gets to live in films does he?

SO WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT CHARACTER TO DIE ON GAME OF THRONES?

Joffrey, obviously. If I was in it, I'd punch him literally for like six or seven days. I'd break every finger in my hand just to break his face. Them times was very barbaric and brutal, ya get me. But still he's a pussy in it, man doesn't like pain so that's why you'd have to punch him up, one of them slow deaths. Even just punching him in his left eye for forty-five minutes straight, get me? Of course I've spat at the screen at Joffrey. I can't wait till those dragons are fully grown, they can bite his head off, get me?

WHAT'S BEEN THE MOST TERRIFYING MOMENT IN GAME OF THRONES?

Oh, SHIT, the lady in red. Oh. My. God. That shit's real ya know, I didn't know how to deal with it, I screamed for my girlfriend, like; "babes, look at this!" If I was in that situation, while getting my groove on and she started dropping a smoke demon out of her fanny? How would I deal with that? Be polite and carry on. Nah, I'd be OUT…as soon as her tummy started fucking up, I'd be gone, I'd be running. But you know there must girls with a fanny like that in London, bruv.

Follow Big Narstie on Twitter @bignarstie and pre-order 'Don't F**k Up The Base' here .