Yesterday I made an emergency phone call to my new best buddy, Big Narstie, to ask him why everyone was talking about testicles on telly. Turns out I was the only person in Britain that didn't watch documentary 'The Man with the 10-Stone Testicles' but boy was I in for a treat…Jo, I'd rather show you my balls but we're going to talk about this man’s ballbag. I need to find a therapist near me because I saw some peak stuff last night, I got pictures and everything, I was damaged.Listen…MANS WAS EATING THEIR DINNER OFF THEIR BALLBAG, how can you put your plate on them? It was like a little dinner table between mans legs…LIKE A FUCKING SPACEHOPPER. They were so big he had to BENCHPRESS his balls. Like, what you know about the Atlas stones on The World’s Strongest Man? That's what he had to do with his balls. But then he HE STEPPED ON HIS OWN BALLBAG! Can you imagine? IMAGINE WHAT THAT FUCKING FELT LIKE? Anyway, he was just sat there with a big towel over his ballbag, just sitting like he's at a dinner table. That was the first part of the pain.The second part of the pain…man had to put his ballbag in a HOODY. Have you ever seen a guy have to put a hoody over his ballbag to cup his balls? Then he puts his legs through the arms of the hoody. Here what I'm saying, I will never look at a hoody the same way again. He's got mini-me swinging between his nuts in very swaggerific hoodies. Oh my god, #PAIN.But as much as I'm laughing I'm going to get deep, don't get it twisted. What fucking rassclart country lets a man put hoodies on his ballbag? And it gets deeper. He has to put the front of his whole ballbag on the toilet seat and just piss on them, like a waterfall. Who allows that? Like, man his dribbling all over his balls. It's not funny.I wouldn't deal with that. Mans just got up one morning, super tired, and squashed his ballbag. All mans have done that but for his ballbag to end up like that now, and it go sick and grow. After a month his ballbag looked like a Fifa football. It's PEAK. It's more than peak, it's PIKACHU. If I can carry my ball bag like it's Fifa that's dead. Ladies might be digging balls that big? Nooooooo bruv.Then it gets suuuuuper peak because the fucking USA, they're not even trying to help him. After four years they grow to TEN STONE because America are fucking wrong’uns. WOULD THIS HAPPEN ON THE NHS? You're the fucking richest country in the world and you can’t save mans ball bag? It's not some fucking small illness, it's a peak illness and these cunts can't do the humane thing and help him for FOUR FUCKING YEARS. So look what he had to do, make himself a public spectacle to raise money for his ballbag and pay for his own fucking operation so he wouldn't end up on the street. They're taking man for a dickhead, treating man like Joffrey out here.THEN…some fucked up journalist, who can go suck their mum, this journalist said "my man with the ten stone ballbag is trying to be famous." MAN CAN'T WALK, MAN IS USING A HOODY AS PANTS. What do you mean dying to be famous?! It's pretty fucking hard NOT to be famous. And the government don't wanna operate on man, but one doctor…ONE DOCTOR OUT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING FUCKED UP COUNTRY…felt so sad for man that he did it for free. God bless that man, but still that was after FOUR years.This has put me on a revolution tip, get me. The world can go suck itself. Everyone want to go into other countries and fuck around but they can't even help the people in their own. People are fucking homeless or have fucking ten stone ballbags in their own backyard. I wouldn't wish those balls on anyone. Maybe Jimmy Savile if he was alive…but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.Follow Narstie on Twitter @BIGNARSTIE and keep checking Noisey for our interview with the big man.
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