Big Narstie Knows Who Killed Lucy Beale in Eastenders

Big Narstie loves Eastenders. We love Big Narstie. So when Lucy Beale was murdered last week, there was only man who could make sense of it all.

Yo! It's Britain’s number one TV commentator, and Noisey's Man Of The Year 2013, Big Narstie. So let me catch you up right. Lucy Beale is weasel Ian’s daughter. She beat Max. She beat Lee. Now she’s lying flat out in the woods. It's some Stan Collymore or OJ Simpson shit. Straight away mans like, rah, what is this? I think it’s quite fucked up, you know. And no one knows who’s done it. So let's check the suspects.

Max Branning

(Lucy’s best friend’s dad)

Let’s start with Max. Max has lost all respect for himself. He used to be with Tanya. Tanya had body. Tanya had shape. A real motherfucking woman bruv. With batty and breasts.

Then he was beating Lucy Beale. Imagine Mr. Burns naked - that is Lucy. How can you go from that real body, to some malnourished chick – all bones. That’s fucked.

But then Max is a freaky guy. He’s just a perv. He’s like the white version of a Jamaican man on the road, tryna beat every girl that goes past. I guarantee you he’ll try and beat Billy’s daughter Lola next. He’s a scumbag.com bruv.

Plus, he’s got a fucked up head shape. Seriously, have you ever seen Max’s head shape in HD? It’s like a cone. Do you remember Coneheads, them guys who could put a condom on their head. That’s Max’s head shape. You know what’s fucked up with Max? Depending on how the light hits head you can’t tell if he’s bald or if he’s got hair. That’s how deep his head shape is.

Max could have killed her. He got jealous cause she was beating that army guy. He wasn’t getting the beat no more from Mr Burns. But nah, I’m not sure that he did it, Max is a batty boy. He’s a weasel, he’ll cry when he gets into trouble.

Ian Beale

(Lucy’s Dad)

Ian’s moving a bit mental, and rah, everyone knows his morals are piss poor. The way he’s breaking down, it’s like his is mind is on the fritz. He is in need of a service, his boiler is about to blow up bruv. It could be him, but I don’t think he’s guilty. In my eyes, I actually felt sorry for him. No one gives a shit about Ian, he’s just a weasel but that last episode in the Vic; whoever doesn’t feel sorry for him then is a fucking liar, or your soul is dropping. Maybe it could be the weed getting me emotional, but when he walked into the pub to call Peter, rah.

But then he piped Jane on the sympathy reach! His daughter’s dead but he still finds time to do that to his ex-wife. You scumbag. How can man still be horny? Your daughter’s dead but you can still get it up. That’s fucked. And I don’t get agree with the rest of his moves on his other daughter, Cindy. How’s he gonna do that to her? Them WWE moves he’s trying to do on a pregnant girl. He tried to Triple H her. This is not some Hardy Boys special Ian, that’s your daughter and she’s pregnant. But I don’t think he did it. He’s sad not guilty.

Denise Fox

(Lucy’s step mum)

Nah she didn’t do it but she needs to fuck off yeah. Denise is hanging around like a bad smell u get me. She needs to fucking move. She’s always just standing around like the runt, you know like the fucked up girl at the back? There’s no beating going on anymore for her. Ian wants Jane. Just leave bruv.

Peter Beale

(Lucy’s brother)

Lee Carter's a motherfucking G. Danny Dyer’s son, the army man. He beat Lucy on the restaurant floor. Yet he still chirpsed up Whitney in the Vic, got her thinking about the GI Jones. He’s one of those pimp daddy ones.

But then why is Peter, Lucy’s sister, cool with Lee? Imagine if you caught a guy banging your sister yeah, on your family’s restaurants floor, and then man just tries to sit down and bust jokes and have juice with man? He’s got no respect from the family honour. Are you mad son? This guy is the proof that your sister is a ho. Man’s getting treated like a poodle. Fucking wasteman Peter.

Did he do it? Nah Peter loves his sister man. He’s just fucked up cause Ian said Lucy was his favourite. How can a parent have a favourite, it’s just fucked up man.

Lucy’s Drug Dealer

Ahh, the one everyone is forgetting. It could be the drug dealer! Lucy was on the hard rude boy! She was banging the oats and barley! The Class As. She don’t know. Some middle-suburbia lil girl be like “I ain’t got your money”. No mate. He’ll do her in the woods. Road man like that will fuck you up.

Final Verdict

It’s either Max cos he was jealous he wasn’t getting the Mr Burns anymore, or I think it’s some shotta, a couple of shottas.

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