A Playlist of the Best Prince Songs To Fuck To While Cruising For Olympians On Tinder

Shit, it seems like every other year the mainstream media gets its collective panties in a bunch about the fact that almost 3,000 20-somethings at the peak of their physical prowess get stuck in one small area for a couple of weeks and bone constantly. It's a wonder why people are still surprised by it—after all, the IOC supplied 100,000 condoms to the Olympic Village in Sochi this year, and in 2010 the Wall Street Journal reported that everyone was getting down at such a high rate that a Canadian AIDS research foundation had to pump in 10,000 more before it was all said and done.

But this year sexing at the Olympics got a whole bunch easier, and we can thank technology for that. According to gold medal-winning US snowboarder Jamie Anderson (HELL YEAH AMERICA!), Tinder is "next level" in the Olympic Village, which kind of makes you wonder what, exactly, that means. What's more is that Tinder co-founder Justin Mateen issued a statement asking the Olympians to stop Tindering so much and focus on the competition. That's a smart move, because dude probably doesn't want to be blamed for the Olympians not winning medals because they were too busy thinking about which direction to swipe on Shaun White now that he's got that whole GQ haircut thing going on.

I've never used Tinder [Ed. note: Yeah, right], but judging from the number of friends I have who casually scroll through it on every weekend night in Brooklyn, Anderson's "next level" phrase must mean that the majority of these athletes are all swiping left and right at an almost inhuman rate. Which, again, makes sense—these people compete at an inhuman level, and there's a hell of a lot of celebration and disappointment to go around in that place. It must be like an all-you-can-fuck buffet, with Tinder acting as the waiter that keeps coming around and re-filling your beer, because you walked into that one incredible buffet in Syracuse with the unlimited drinks that shares a parking lot with the Paradise Found strip club and might as well have a red carpet paved with vomit and shame that connects the two. You know the one.

Anyway, I was telling all this to my editor at Noisey, and he asked me to make a playlist (which is at the bottom of this page) involving Prince songs, because I love Prince and he is also the sexiest motherfucker on the planet. Then, this American dude came out did some figure skating while wearing Prince's unpronounceable Love Symbol on the back of his jacket last night, and suddenly we kind of stumbled into a news hook. Prince always knows. So anyway, without further ado, here are the best Prince Songs To Fuck To While Cruising For Olympians On Tinder. Happy Valentine's Day!

We're gonna have to start here, because this is the song that American figure skater Jason Brown skated to while wearing the Love Symbol last night. By the way, why does the Prince symbol no longer appear on a Macbook keyboard? Is it because Prince declared war on the Internet a couple years ago? Chill out, Apple. Apparently, Brown also pulled off a move from The Karate Kid in the middle of his routine, which might set a new record for ridiculous shit to do at the Olympics. He didn't medal though, which is why this song should probably be reserved for foreplay.

This one goes out to all the Olympians in the Village, because it's a song that's full of completely irrelevant phrases all tied together with the repetitive line, "U've got a wonderfull ass," a.k.a. the theme song of Tinder 2014. Honestly, check out this verse: "U say that U love me, it don't do no good / U want me 2 trust U, I wish that I could / U cannot build a house with plastic wood / U've got a wonderful ass." Plastic wood? Plastic wood.

This is my favorite song off my favorite Prince album (Dirty Mind, which incidentally does not actually make it my favorite Prince song overall), and seems like an appropriate euphemism for athletes who used an average of 14 condoms during the 2012 games in London. How long do the Olympics last? Is it weird that I don't know the answer to that? Does anyone know the answer to that? Hey, check out the album cover for Dirty Mind. Now let me ask you, athletes of Tinder—y or n?

The first song on the first Prince album also the first thing that pops into your typical Olympic bro's head when he sees a photo of Gold Medal-Winning U.S. Olympic Snowboarder Jamie Anderson. And, thanks to her comments to Us Weekly, we already know what's going through Anderson's head.

When I was growing up, my dad would always make that one joke about the East German Judge at the Olympics who would always give ridiculously low scores to anyone not from a Communist country, to the point where it's a daily struggle to not toss it in to random conversations in the office. How very 1980s of him. And I would know—the '80s were the best, and first, four months of my life. Not a care in the world, chillin' all day long, sleeping 18-20 hours a day, playing with random toys that were just hanging around within arms reach at all times, never really having to move on your own and just getting carried everywhere, not having to deal with Twitter. Damn, I miss the '80s. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Olympics have controversies sometimes.

LIKE THE SNOW, AMIRITE? Lol. How many other people in modern music history get away with a song title like that? And he's deadly serious about it, too. God bless that man.

This one goes out to all the athletes who check the "casual hookup" box on Tinder, if that box existed or something and really I don't know if it does because there's a decent chance my girlfriend would throw my phone into the frozen East River if she found out that I had that app on my phone. Not that I'd blame her, that'd be a little bit of an uncomfortable find. Maybe this one should go a little higher in the playlist, since it would better soundtrack the initial fondling aspect of the Olympic Hookup. Then again, sometimes it's nice to take a pause after things get "Soft And Wet," if you know what I mean.

The Olympics are all about people coming together and learning, about each others' cultures, learning about new and wild sports, learning about other people's… bodies. Especially in the Olympic Village. I mean, if you're gonna go out and become more cultured and knowledgeable about the world, the women of Tinder would probably hope you got around to this one somewhere toward the beginning of that list. But since we're near the end of this list, it's about time somebody figured it out.

If this track isn't the theme song for Tinder—the opening lyrics are, "I feel some kind of love 4 U / I don't know your name"—then I honestly don't know what the hell y'all are doing with this app on your phone. You're looking to fuck, right? No strings attached? A little, shall we say, electricity to liven up the countless hours after your Gold medal failure—blowing it in front of your entire nation and the whole world—with nothing to do except think about the number of people you let down by fucking up on the world's biggest stage? This is exactly what you're trying to listen to. This is Prince, and this is unabashed fucking music. Stop reading this and whip it out already.

Okay this isn't a Prince song, but it would be hilarious to play to another Olympian while you guys are boning after a Tinder hookup. Do you think the other person lets it slide, or do they stop and say, "Hey, we're not really supposed to do drugs?" Or like, "Hey, do you really like drugs? I got some." Anyway, the Olympics are a family affair and we don't want to get too out of line by talking about drugs, so we'll scrap this one for the next great Prince song about fucking, and that is…

Duh. Now it's time to cry silently while the person next to you snores loudly. #Sochi2014!

Unfortrunately, "Wonderful Ass" and "G-Spot" were not available on Spotify for this playlist, probably because they are too sexy, so we tossed a few bonus cuts into the mix. You're welcome.

Dan Rys is feeling sexy. He's a senior editor at XXL, and you can find him on Twitter — @danrys