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13 Things Every Glastonbury Virgin Should Learn Before They Attend

You will park an eternity away from the campsite, you will walk for miles, and you will get a yoghurt for breakfast.
Ryan Bassil
London, GB

Photo by Katrin Ingwersen

Going to a festival for the first time is sort of like losing your virginity – you spend two-hours putting the tent-poles in the wrong place, someone gets too drunk and has to finish early, and you need to take a long shower the minute you get home.

Lots of people attending Glastonbury this year will have been to smaller festivals before. Practice runs that help build up tolerance until they’re comfortable diving head-first into a temporary city occupied by wizards, poets, witch-doctors, bands, students, Kate Moss, sculptors, and Australians.

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Glastonbury is not like any other festival. Sure, you can attend with the knowledge that you understand how to go to a festival in your twenties, but that will only ensure you’re not a shivering wreck calling a taxi home at 5:45pm on Friday. Glastonbury has a unique language – you will experience things unlike anything witnessed at whatever beer-sponsored festival you attended last Summer.

If this is your first time going to Glastonbury, here’s your guide:

You Will Park An Eternity Away From the Campsite

Glastonbury is in the middle of fucking nowhere: literally, all you can see is fields, mud, and rainclouds. See that distant green splodge that looks like a field except it’s hard to tell because it’s like, fifteen miles away? That’s where you will park your car. This means you’ll be around an hour’s walk away from the entrance - and that’s without counting the time it takes to cart a temporary life around on your shoulders.

With that in mind you can either (A) get tired out making multiple trips (B) leave non-necessities in the car and return when you need them or (C) make the wise decision and leave your festival-chic wardrobe in the Boohoo.com basement. You just need yourself, a tent, alcohol, and fresh underwear/t-shirts.

You Will Walk For Miles

Once you’ve carted a 24-crate of Fosters, a tent, and all your insecurities across several fields and set up camp, get ready to walk even more. Glastonbury - unlike most festivals which involve a separate arena and campsite - is an amorphous dreamland. Tents, stages, and boutique massage parlours all become one and to get around you’re going to walk like you’re in an unconsented reinterpretation of that annoying song by The Proclaimers. So - what do you do? Obviously make sure you’ve got a good pair of shoes. Maybe go for a walk around your entire city the evening before. Work those hamstrings baby. Just don’t be that person who complains to all their friends because Shangri-La is a 40 minute walk from your bed.

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Don't be a Fucking Dick

The worst people in the whole of Glastonbury are the ones that go round like the sentient equivalent of an unsolicited pitch for a shit Noisey article, sniggering at the "crusties" and people with fire poi before heading over to the Park Stage to get "vibey" to Jagwar Ma and Four Tet while sipping on a £10 cocktail. You know what arseholes: this festival belongs to the crusties and the fire poi guys, you are the tourist at their house party.

Glastonbury basically started as a gathering of those opposed to nuclear arms and destroying the environment, and while it's become heavily sanitised over the years, that old guard are still running shit. So if you get invited into a tipi by someone called Astral to hear about how the world would be better if we destroyed mobile phones and why flouride in the water is calcifying your imagination gland, just go with it. They wouldn't come round to your house and take the piss out of your back catalogue of Tony Parsons books.

Don’t Do any Drugs in the Main Arena

Photo by Jake Lewis

Each year some sort of Glastonbury virgin decides to take every drug they can get their hands on and walk towards the Pyramid Stage at 3pm in the afternoon. This is not a bad thing; it’s what makes watching John Newman bearable. But it is the worst decision. You’re at Glastonbury where there are literally thousands of small-tents playing hard pystrance, circuses full of strange-looking people, and little areas where you can make aliens out of clay - the place was built for enjoying hallucinogenics - and you’re choosing to watch someone that your Mum has on her gym playlist? Get out there and make the most of it - don’t waste your drugs because you feel you have to chaperone your friend into the 1975’s set. Ditch him and go visit Wonderland you mucilaginous individual.

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Michael Eavis Will do Karaoke on Wednesday Night

Want to spot a legend in the flesh? Each year Michael hits up the Field of Avalon Stage. This year he’ll be singing the Rolling Stones “The Last Time”.

All roads lead to the Stone Circle

Photo by Jake Lewis

The stone circle, like wearing loose-fitting comfortable hareem pants or having sex on MDMA, is one of those things that's easy to dismiss as hippy nonsense until your realise just how great it is. It provides a weird sort of full stop to the festival - no matter how lost you get, which drugs you took, or what weird corner of the circus field you ended up in, you all make the long slow trudge up the hill, where you'll find your friends, passed out in each other's arms, sucking on balloons and just generally acting like the sort of monged out jokers you normally only see on park benches or in Noisey documentaries. Comedowns only feel shit when you spend them alone trying to get to sleep, so just head up to stone circle, climb into the arms of the nearest person you recognise, watch the sunrise, and have a lovely chat about how we're tiny somethings in a giant something and blah blah blah blah blah.

Don't go and watch Kasabian

Kasabian play the closing slot on the Pyramid Stage. Take a moment to reconsider: do you really want your Glastonbury concluded with the line "Horsemeat in the burgers, people commit murders, everyone’s on bugle, we’re being watched by Google"? If the answer to that question is "yes" then HI KEITH ALLEN.

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Get down early

Seriously - why are you even reading this? Get going already. Most festivals only offer early-bird camping to ensure even more money is spent on over-priced beer, but Glastonbury has a whole host of entertainment on the two days before the music starts. This time should not be wasted sitting outside your tent, shotgunning cans of Tuborg, and shouting abuse at passers-by - you’re not at Reading Festival. Instead use the two days to really explore the festival site; find out where the drinking water is, discover the “secret spots” that people on Time Out always talk about, and sit on top of the giant hill. Glastonbury requires a complete rewiring of your personality and lifestyle and that takes a few days of acclimatisation.

Get a Fucking Yoghurt for Breakfast

Seriously. They’re ridiculously cheap - something like £3 - they’re healthy, they help you shit out all the drugs, and they come in three flavours: Strawberry, Plain, and one that I haven’t tried because it was probably Peach. Either way you’ll find the yoghurt stall near the Pyramid Stage and you’ll be able to tell it’s a yoghurt stall because it has a big sign that says Yeo Valley. Thank us later.

Watch Fatboy Slim on Saturday night

Look, how many Metallica songs do you actually know? My guess is that it's between two and none. Sure, it'll be a laugh but only for like 15 minutes, and then it's just a bunch of old dudes who even metalheads think have sucked since some time in the early 00s. So what are the other options?

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Jake Bugg? If you wanted to listen a miserable teenager moan and be a cunt you should have gone to the Teen Tatler Ball with a private school girl who spilt red wine on her corsage.

Mogwai? It'll be great but not exactly the Saturday night two-pills-deep vibe you're probably looking for.

MGMT? If you wanted to wait around listening to shit music for two hours until "Time To Pretend" you should have gone to the Teen Tatler Ball.

No, listen guys, the obvious answer has been staring you in the face the whole time. A Glastonbury legend with an immpeccable record for making people have the time of their lives. And who doesn't like "Praise You". Make the right choice. Choose Norman.

Don’t Plan to Watch Hundreds Of Bands

Photo by Jake Lewis

In London you’ll pay money to watch Jus Now - at Glastonbury you’ll just sort of forget. The most important thing to remember is that you haven’t paid money to watch bands; you’ve paid money to be part of an experience. Suck it up - it sounds pretentious but if you don’t get over yourself and jump in at the deep-end then your whole weekend will be diluted like a glass of squash at a preschool that has just had their budget cut. Ignore the Bristol hockey lads and trainee policeman on their way to watch Route 94 - watch the three bands you actually want to see and let the fun-train carry you around everywhere else.

But somehow end up in one night-time place

Yes - you don't want to plan your weekend. Let the substitute teachers and recruitment officers jettison the half-an-hour walk between the BBC Introducing and Park stage, leaving more room for you to discuss the persecution of Tanzanian albinos over a cup of Masala chai in the Permaculture retreat, or wherever it is you've ended up. But that's not to say you shouldn't meander toward new areas once the sun sets. Arcadia, Block 9, Shangri-La - Glastonbury is full of places that will make you question why most other UK festivals night-time entertainment consists of huffing laughing gas in a tent and a rollercoaster that sounds like it's about to fall down. This year James Murphy - LCD Soundystem - and Stephen Deaele - Soulwax - will bring their Despacio soundsystem to the SIlver Hayes field. You don't need to plan when you arrive - it's there all weekend. But when you finally stumble in, bleary-eyed and caked in mud, prepare to be subjected to 50,000 watts of power.

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Leave The Headliners Early

As soon as the headliners finish there’s a mass exodus: everyone leaves the mainstage and visits Shangri-La. Because Shangri-La is - approximately - quite a bit smaller than the main-stage, there’s usually a massive queue. This will destroy whatever buzz you’re currently on because you won’t be able to move, you can hear thousands of people having fun elsewhere, and you’re just about to come-up. So, how do you avoid rushing while you're stuck outside the gate to the best party on-site? Obviously you leave the headliner an hour early. Why were you even watching Arcade Fire in the first place?!

Follow Ryan and Sam on Twitter: @RyanBassil @SamWolfson

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