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A Dummy's Guide To Downloading Thom Yorke's Album Using Only A Computer

You won't believe how straight forward torrents are!

If we learned anything from the release of the new Thom Yorke album across BitTorrent, it’s that not as many people understand torrents as we thought. “Downloading music via BitTorrent bundles is a much less user-friendly experience requiring special software, a computer and a level of tech savvy that many mainstream music consumers may not have,” explained the Guardian. Even Thom Yorke himself wrote in the press release, “it’s an experiment to see if the mechanics of the system are something that the general public can get its head around …” , no doubt typing with a wry smirk and a condescending scoff.

Annoncering

BitTorrent boasts almost quarter of a billion users. Moby released a music bundle the exact same way as Yorke in 2013 and that was downloaded over 2 million times. Pretty much everyone under-35 uses torrents every time they can’t afford to pay for something. Yet still, it seems, people are worried that you, the shit-for-brains general public, might not be able to get your heads around downloading this new Thom Yorke album. (Even though the exact same website reporting how impossible it is to download provide helpful one-click download links to do exactly that.)

So, we’ve put together a step-by-step process for anyone web-savvy enough to read VICE’s music channel but unable to workout how to download something off the internet.

Step 1: Getting a computer

To get started, you’re going to need a laptop. Laptops are small case like objects that can be used to write letters and make birthday invitations. The laptop can be opened using human hands, or a simple string pulley system. Laptops are made up of many small parts, but their three key components are:

  • Electricity
  • The Internet
  • Thom Yorke albums

Step 2: Logging on to The Internet

The Internet was first conceived by Kevin Costner in the 1997 post-apocalyptic epic The Postman, and has since become a permanent fixture of everyday life, even featuring in songs like “Email My Heart” by Britney Spears. You can access the internet by going to Starbucks. Once there, feel free to place the laptop on a table; if your knees are beginning to feel too ‘connected’. You navigate The Internet by using URLs which always start with “www.” and often finish with “.com”. Never forget those bits, otherwise your laptop will be invalid and you’ll have to return to Step 1. Practice how to form URLs by incorporating them into your everyday speech: “I’ll have a www.cappuccino.com, please!”

Annoncering

Step 3: Download BitTorrent

Okay, now things might start to feel a little complicated for you. The Internet is a strange place for simple minded music fans. Try not to become distracted by strange images, sexual content or old celebrity trivia. Stay focused, head to www.bittorrent.com and press “download BitTorrent”.

Step 4: Install BitTorrent

That file will now have dropped into your downloads folder, which isn’t a real folder but is helpfully represented by a picture of a folder on your Mac or Personal Computer. Find it, and double click on it. Follow the instructions to install.

Step 5: Buy the Thom Yorke album

You now have BitTorrent, meaning that you can download and share torrents. Some of my favourite torrents include The Sopranos, The Wire and the Thom Yorke album. Try finding the Thom Yorke album by using terms you think are applicable and typing them into a search engine like Google.

Step 6: Downloading the torrent

Eventually, you will end up on a page that says “buy the album”. When you see the button that says “buy the album”, you should press “buy the album”.

Step 7: Downloading the album

Find the torrent file in your downloads folder (remember that from earlier?). Double click on it. This will open BitTorrent, and your download will automatically begin.

Step 8: Listen to Thom Yorke

Thom Yorke is a very forward-thinking musician, capable of music that is very complicated to simple minded music fans. Don’t run before you can walk. We recommend taking breaks after each minute of Thom Yorke’s solo album, ranging from a few hours to several weeks. While listening, keep a bucket nearby, as well as a box of tissues, a jar of Bovril and a copy of today’s news. Sit back, press play and enjoy (play is the triangular button on most music programs that starts the music).

Follow Joe on Twitter: @Cide_Benengeli