Good news, nerds who think rock ‘n’ roll means standing three feet in front of TV screen without blinking for four straight minutes! The makers of Guitar Hero, the Scary Movie of video game franchises, told Rolling Stone exclusively that they will return from a five-year hiatus this year to release Guitar Hero Live with 24 new tracks. Let’s take a look at what songs will be keeping your old roommate from Dorm Tower D busy this year in his 15th consecutive month of job searching!Oh yeah, baby. Nothin’ like garage rock to really get your motor runnin’. Fuck all of you and your stupid laptops and beep boops and Garage Bands. This is music, man. Perfect for shredding the plastic buttons on the plastic fretboard.To be honest, it’s pretty cool to see Kidz Bop and Guitar Hero come together. Synergy makes everything stronger.This one is for the pale nerds who think that being really good at guitar will get them laid. Actually, it will. But not if you have to plug the guitar into a Playstation.We’re goin’ down dowwwwn to our parents’ basement! And sugar, tell mom to bring snacks down!Gary Clark, Jr. is apparently one of the best guitar players of the current generation, so here’s your opportunity to really show off your skills of hitting that red pinky button like 17 times in a row!Learn to play punk guitar riffs just like Dillinger Four Green Day!Younger fans of music may recognize this song as being part of a jingle used a few years ago to try and sell them a car or brand of alcohol. Older fans may recognize this song as being the absolute fucking worst.You actually need to have a piece of straw dangling dangerously from the corner of your mouth while you sing this song if you want a perfect score. You get bonus points if you perform while wearing denim overalls with one of the straps unfastened.Jesus Christ, do kids these days even wanna have sex or no?Patriarchy.Dang, the Guitar Hero creators really dug down and pulled out a Rolling Stones deep cut that’s only been featured on nine games in the series!You know how every kid dreams of growing up to be the person standing off stage playing guitar at whatever European festival Skrillex is playing!Wanna feel alt?Oh cool, it wasn’t bad enough that you had to constantly clean the Cheeto residue off your controller, now you gotta wipe off all the makeup smudges too.Here’s one for all those kids hitting sophomore year in college taking Political Science 101 in 1998. Fight the man!Yeah, kids who buy video games LOVE Judas Priest. They also like All in the Family reruns and Wurther's OriginalsNice safe bet, Guitar Hero. Too bad Pantera fans are the kind of nerds who waste their Saturdays browsing Guitar Center with no intention of buying anything, and not GameStop.If you manage to pull off playing this song on the hardest difficulty, your chances of getting sleighed go up at least 50 percent.WAKEUP! GKFLABGKLJBASGLKBSZLKGBSLACAKEUP! whenangelsdeserveto…..DIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!“You know what’s better than listening to a full song by Creed? Listening to a song that’s like three times as long and involving half as many members! Fuck yeah, let’s pray!”Imagine dedicating your whole life to mastering the guitar so that one day you can play Coachella to a bunch of teens who all have their backs to you because they’re making out. Rock and roll, baby!The dude from Broken Bells “knew a guy” who works at Activision and traded him for some Lollapalooza tickets to be in the game.Finally, some real music! You kids these days don’t know anything about “Californication” that doesn’t involve getting punched in the face during sex.Legend has it that one night, Jimi Hendrix had a vision that someday a woman named Taylor Momsen would use her role on a show called Gossip Girl to leverage into a truly embarrassing musical career known as The Pretty Reckless. He never woke up.
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