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Music

Robin Thicke is Terrorizing The Junos

We've got too much talent to have to be awarding Robin Thicke our most prestigious award

Forget the Grammys ever happened, because the annual Juno awards are fast approaching. On March 30th, Canadian artists will travel to Winnipeg in the hopes of receiving the treasured curved glass statuette which signifies their artistic dominance over their home-country's population of 35 million and beyond. The old joke was that the award was called the Juno because you found yourself watching TV and asking "juno who that is up there?" but in recent years Canada has been popping musically — you couldn't get away from us if you tried. It wouldn't be a misnomer to say that Canada is currently contributing more to the global zeitgeist than we ever have in our short 147 year history of being a country. We have an all-star representative from every major genre in Drake, Justin Bieber, Arcade Fire and Deadmau5.

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Deadmau5 with Live Mountie5

So what the hell is the committee doing nominating Robin Thicke? Robin wasn't even born in Canada and he's nominated for a number of prestigious Junos! Being Canadian isn't like being Jewish — you don't qualify because one of your parents was born near the holy land of Kirkland Lake. You can't just be Canadian when it's convenient. Has Robin ever played shinny when it's -30°C with the windchill? He doesn't look like the sort of man who enjoys wearing multiple layers. Does he even have a go-to Tim Horton's order?!

This wouldn't be so upsetting if he wasn't nominated for Blurred Lines, the biggest fucking song of 2013. The only song with a hope of beating Blurred Lines is the Canadian anthem, and it was recorded just outside of the nomination window. Robin is going up against Michael Buble, Hedley, Walk Off The Earth, and Teagan and Sara for Pop Album of the Year, depriving a number of hard-working Canadians and Michael Buble a chance to be great. What's worse is that Thicke is also nominated for Artist of the Year along with Serena Ryder, Buble, Celine Dion and Drake. Because ever since they snubbed Drizzy the year he was gracious enough to host, the Junos have been looking for more and more creative ways to see Aubrey lose. Robin Thicke is sneaking into our country in a Pharrell-hat-shaped Trojan Horse and stealing our awards. Why can't he just be happy winning the international award, or simply being Robin Thicke?

No picture of Robin Thicke eating poutine exists

In the past years, the Junos haven't been much of a competition. Every category has a smattering of artists that have one or two songs on local radio and there's an aged veteran who's the obvious favourite. But this year there are eighty first time nominees, which tells you a lot about the recent musical output of Canadians. But more than that, it shows that there's tangible competition ready to play at the Juno table. Allowing Mr. Paula Patton to come and join at this stage of the game is like inviting Andrew Wiggins to your rec league when your team just finished learning how to execute a left-handed layup.

As Canada gets more and more influential in the landscape of popular music, it's important that we pay attention to the few reliable gatekeepers we have in place. Canada's music scene is a true reflection of our national identity, so what does it say about our identity if we celebrate a song that's as Canadian as apple pie and baseball? We have so much homegrown talent that's truly Canadian, that awarding the trophy to Robin would be admitting that we're still living in the shadow of our brother to the south. It's time for Canada to accept its spot in the upper echelon of entertainment, and the first way we can do that is by being proud of what we create instead of wondering if it's good enough for another market.