People Who Had Music Careers: Hulk Hogan

I have seen Hulk Hogan's penis. I didn't want to see his penis, and his penis did not want to be seen. But Hulk Hogan made a sex tape. And it leaked. So I watched some of it. It goes without saying that it's pretty awkward, as far as sex tapes go. For one, the woman featured in the tape is more than probably the wife of his best friend, Bubba The Love Sponge (also, Hulk Hogan's best friend is named Bubba The Love Sponge). In it, Hulk's phone rings, and the song playing is one made by his daughter. A canopy bed is involved. He has the sort of tan lines that would suggest he is a habitual thong wearer. The tape is grainy and filmed from a security-camera-in-a-Claires sort of angle, so it's pretty clear that the tape was never meant to get out, and Hulk more than probably had no idea it was being filmed. In fact, Hulk Hogan is suing Gawker, who received the tape from an anonymous source and wrote a close reading of it that is simultaneously hilarious and gross as fuck. No matter how you spin it, one thing is clear: Hollywood Hulk Hogan was never meant to bone performatively. What Hulk Hogan was actually meant to do, of course, is make Motherfucking Rock And Roll Music. At least, that was the plan. The Artist formerly known as Terry Gene Bollea spent much of his youth in a band called Ruckus, and depending on who you ask nearly joined Metallica or perhaps just nearly tried out for them. While mercifully, no Ruckus songs seem to still exist on ye olde internet, The Hulkster decided that in 1995 he ought to record himself a kids' album. Noisey Editor-In-Chief and all-around cool dude Ben Shapiro swears up and down the album is amazing, and he's right, but not in the way he means it. Hulk Rules is amazing simply because it exists.

My first thought after listening to the first two songs—"Hulkster In The House" and "American Made" was, "Holy fuck, this kinda sounds like Michael Bolton." Before Michael Bolton became Michael Bolton, he was actually in a band called Blackjack with Bruce Kulick, who went on to play guitar in KISS. Obviously, Michael Bolton is a professional singer who, regardless of his affinity for high schlock, can actually sing his ass off, and Hulk Hogan is famous for having large muscles and ripping his own t-shirt off.

It is at track three, entitled "Hulkster's Back," that shit gets real weird. Guess where Hulkster's been? He has been locked in his bedroom, learning how to rap. I have no idea how to explain this song. You really just have to listen to it. It sort of sounds like the interstitial music from a Super Nintendo videogame, plus Hulk Hogan rapping, yelling about a motorcycle and generally ignoring the women who are trying to talk to him. The only thing weirder than "Hulkster's Back" is "Wrestling Boot Traveling Band," which is the song immediately following "Hulkster's Back" on Hulk Rules. The craziest thing about this song is that in its country-reggae-white-dude-on-a-beach styling, it accidentally predicted the second half of Kenny Chesney's career, as well as the song "Bananas And Blow" by Ween. The double-craziest thing about this song is that it is actually good. Also, from what I can tell Hulk Hogan appears nowhere on this song.

Continuing on Insanity Lane, we get to "I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac," which is another rap song, this time with a beat that suggests Blondie's "Rapture" but run through a cheese grater. This one reminds me of Lil B, because the Hulkster tells us to eat our vitamins and hang out with our friends. At no point in the song is it suggested that we record a sex tape. It's basically a Based Freestyle about how living right makes you cool. This is categorically incorrect. Listening to Hulk Rules gives you a sense of what things were like in the 1990's. Hip-Hop wasn't really respected as a type of music or a culture at large, but exploitative Svengalis throughout the record industry had figured out exploit it through bullshit like Hulk Rules.

Despite the largely unlistenable depths of Hulk Rules, the album does contain one song that's genuinely sweet. That would be "Hulkster In Heaven." If I did literally what I was doing right now and told you that there was a song by Hulk Hogan that was called "Hulkster In Heaven," you would probably guess that it was about a Hulk Hogan fan who died. You would be correct. The song was written about a child whose last wish was to watch Hulk Hogan wrestle while sitting in the front row. Tragically, he died right before Hulk's match. The song itself is not very good, but at least it shows that Hogan had a heart.

If I had a child, I would prohibit them from listening to Hulk Rules, even if they wanted to. It's the type of disingenuous bullshit that led to Hulk Hogan becoming a bloated steroid monster and recording a really awkward sex tape in the first place. In a way, its existence proves that the existence of a Hulk Hogan sex tape is no fluke. Hulk Rules reminds us that Hollywood Hulk Hogan will do anything for a buck, anything for some exposure, anything to capitalize off his celebrity in the most obvious way possible. No matter what inevitably terrible direction our culture is headed in, we'll always be able to remember the glory days, when Hulk Hogan recorded an album that was 50% rap, 50% rock, and 100% terrible.

@drewmillard