Drake and Basketball: This Is How Drake Can Drake-Up the Toronto Raptors

Drake is often described as Canada's best rapper, mostly because we only have a half a handful—and the Toronto Raptors are often described as Canada's Basketball Team, mostly because we only have the one. Ever since Memphis uprooted the Vancouver Grizzlies in 2001 and shared part of the ownership with Justin fucking Timberlake instead of say, Juicy J, Canada has had no choice but to root for a team based in Toronto—the least Canadian part of Canada (except for that weird French part). This is problematic for many reasons: the team is never very good, the jerseys have always been kind of ugly, we keep losing our best players to the States, our team name was chosen by a poll and was directly influenced by the success of Jurassic Park in spite of the fact that Velociraptors existed during the Cretaceous period, there were never any dinosaurs in Southern Ontario due to the fact that it was almost always covered in ice, and so on. But last week, it was announced that all of our problems would soon be pacified thanks to the Beige Gawd extending his charity towards our humble dino-squad. That's right, Drake is now part of the franchise as a "host, business partner, and consultant" for the Toronto Raptors!

Toronto has a surprisingly storied franchise as a basketball association. The first ever basketball game was played between the Toronto Huskies and the New York Knickerbockers on November 1st, 1946. And although we lost that game and wouldn't receive an official NBA team until almost 50 years later, the fact that we can lay claim to such an important part of the sport's history shouldn't be overlooked. Similarly, after not having a rap artist that's insanely popular in a field that's traditionally been dominated by New Yorkers, we are now gifted with Aubrey "Drake" Graham. It's an overall positive that any Canadian artist is taking an invested interest in their hometeam and if Drake didn't return the call, Nickleback or the Barenaked Ladies were likely next on the list.

But with the bond between hip-hop and NBA stronger than ever, it's interesting to imagine what Drake could have in store for the Raptors. This is more than just Aubrey taking a percentage of the ownership team like Usher has done in Cleveland or Justin in Memphis but it's also not a complete overhaul ala Jay Z and the Nets. According to sources within the Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment organization "everything about the team is on the table … aside from the name". This leaves me wondering what exactly Champagne Papi could do to infuse the Toronto Raptors with his own personal brand. Here are the five that I came up with:

The Canada Goose brand specializes in creating very expensive thermal gear that's exclusive to the Great White North. Drake has had a personal relationship with the brand ever since he helped them create an all-black version that retailed for a thousand Canadian dollars. Therefore, it would stand to reason that Drake would continue to build on this relationship and create a thermal, goose-down alternate jersey for the team to wear on the court. Would it be sweaty? Yes, but the added padding would encourage players to ball extra-aggressively instead of passive aggressively. Also, if Drake wants the Raptors to continue being the most Canadian team in the world, he should encourage them to start playing more games outdoors, preferably in the winter. Good luck to opposing teams trying to hit a three while shivering in their non-goose-down jerseys.

Drake's OVO imprint has been characterized by an owl on the pendants, sweaters, and tattoos of everyone who wants to be in Drake's inner circle. Nobody is sure why the owl was adopted by Aubrey, but the main reasons are either rooted in Illuminati conspiracy or in the fact that an owl's eyes and beak look like the letters "OvO". Although Drake can't replace the team name or logo, I don't believe there's anything in the NBA rulebooks that forbids you from having two mascots. The Toronto Raptor is a beloved character in the ACC, but introducing a plucky sidekick might help sell more tickets. The pairing just makes logical sense: Raptors are the smartest dinosaur, as evident by the fact that they could turn a door handle—and Owls are the smartest bird in the animal kingdom, which is why they're always wearing graduation hats and asking probing questions. They could also possibly compromise by making an owl/raptor hybrid mascot, since there's scientific proof of the fact that raptors evolved into birds. Maybe they evolved into eagles and not owls, but a mascot doesn't have to be scientifically probable in order to work (looking at you, Golden State). If the city decides that two mascots might be too much for one team to handle, then perhaps we settle things by dedicating a half-time show to a fight to the death? We couldn't use men in suits because then tampering becomes an issue, so you'd have to find an actual owl and an actual raptor to do combat. Whatever, Drake has the money.

The post-mortem love affair between Drake and Aaliyah is well-documented and well-criticized. Since Drake has done almost everything possible to convince us that he's Aaliyah's soulmate outside of beating up R. Kelly, it would stand to reason that he will abuse this new platform too. The Air Canada Center is known for keeping the energy high before and during the game with their resident DJ 4Korners, who plays high-tempo rap music throughout the night. But if Drake has his say, there's a slight possibility that all of the music will be replaced with the sultry down-tempo music of Aaliyah. Hopefully, this causes the opposing teams to surrender before they even take the court. Just imagine hearing that silky voice during every possible scenario in which you need to stay combative. Getting ready in the locker room? One in a Million. Shooting warm-up jumpers? Age Ain't Nothing But a Number. Down by two points with 20 seconds to play? We Need a Resolution. Even though all of these are great songs, they don't make people want to do anything but dance around while wearing pajamas. Which, coincidentally, is why she's Drake's favorite artist of all time and ephemeral BFF4L&D.

Remember that time Drake installed an experience shower in his condo so that he could blast his naked body with various scents? Of course you do. Now that he has the power, Drake can pump whatever scent he chooses into the vents of the stadium and ensure that everyone is town meets Drake's rhinal standards - which are ridiculously high due to his fragrance sensitivity. Rumor has it that he didn't even want GQ to run his story unless they could promise him that there wouldn't be any cologne samples included within five pages of his piece.

You know how you can buy overpriced beer and warm foods to help you cope with the fact that your team is down by 20 points? Under Drake's rule, those options would be reduced to one: mini-hookahs. Now you can relieve your stress by inhaling warm, fruit flavored smoke. A few bylaws would have to be corrected in order to allow for smoking indoors, but if anyone approves of smoking anything, anywhere, it's our current mayor. And don't worry about the price! Your personal hookah won't run you more than the current cost of a beer and a poutine, and since sharing is encouraged you can go dutch!

These are all just ideas, but they're also just the tip of the iceberg known as the Drakeover. He could also spike the team's Gatorade with codeine in order to assure that we remain in the bottom of the standings (started.), install stripper poles in the VIP sections, or put Chubbs on the roster an assure him 6 minutes of garbage time every game. The city of Toronto loves supporting things that they can take even the slightest amount of pride in, regardless of the level of success that that thing is currently achieving. For example, the Toronto Maple Leafs won their last Stanley Cup in 1967 and they've sold out every single home game since. The Toronto Blue Jays won a World Series in the early 90s and are still viewed as one of the strongest teams in the league, suffering from the worst division placement ever (the Yankees AND the Red Sox? Come on…) Similarly, Drake could put out nothing but showtunes for the rest of his life and the city would still ride for him. Remember when Matt Devlin, a Raptor's announcer, said that "Wall-Eh" was "no Drake" during a live broadcast in Washington? This was coming from a fifty-something white dude who had probably never even heard "Lord Knows."

Slava Pastuk is Canadian so he has authority when it comes to writing about Drake being Canadian. He's on Twitter — @SlavaP