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Music

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole My iPod: Please Let Me Explain My Music Collection

There is a perfectly good explanation for why Toto's "Africa" has been played 358 times.

Dear Noted and Widely Reviled Criminal,

If you’re reading this, it means you stole my iPod and are a sonofabitch. Congratulations.

I don’t know why someone would steal an outdated piece of technology like an iPod in 2015, but you did it. You robbed me of the one possession that has stuck faithfully by my side for years and years. Well, enjoy it, I guess. It’s been with me through good times and bad. There’s a lot of great music on that thing. Thousands and thousands of songs I’ve amassed over a lifetime. But if you’ve started scrolling through it, you may have noticed that there’s some, uh, not so great stuff on there too. Some of it is questionable, some of it is confusing, some of it is straight-up embarrassing.

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So even though, again, you are a known felon and sonofabitch and I hope Steve Jobs drags his ghost sack across your face while you sleep, I feel like I still owe you an explanation of what you’re looking at. There are likely some questions you may want answered and I’d like to answer those now…

Why do you have a playlist that is just House of Pain’s “Jump Around” 17 times in a row?

You may be wondering why there is a playlist called “Ultimate Road Trip Playlist!!!” that is just the song “Jump Around” by House of Pain 17 times in a row. Let me explain. A few years ago, my friends invited me on a road trip to Toronto. Being the helpful friend I am, I offered to provide the music for the drive with a killer custom soundtrack. I told them I put a lot of thought into selecting tracks that really captured how I felt about them and that reminded me of our shared experiences. But really it was just “Jump Around” 17 times in a row. After its distinct trumpet introduction, we enjoyed jumping around like the song instructs for four minutes. When it ended, my friends eagerly awaited a new song but what they got instead was the trumpet intro to House of Pain’s “Jump Around” again. When they asked why I put “Jump Around” on twice in a row, I said it was because it was a fun song and I thought they might like to double down on it. After another four minutes, they were itching for a different song but what they got was “Jump Around” a third time. Then they told me to “give them the fucking iPod” which I refused. We listened it to it three more times before they wrestled it away from me. They quickly skipped through the next 11 songs looking for a change, but they never got it. They only got House of Pain’s “Jump Around.”

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Why does Toto’s “Africa” have a play count of 358 times?

If you’re organizing the songs by “most popular,” you may have noticed that Toto’s “Africa” far exceeds any other song, with 358 plays. Here’s what happened there. I woke up one New Year’s Day and my first act of the year was to listen to this song. And since that ended up being a pretty good way to start the day, I thought, “Well I should just start every day this year like this.” And I did, missing only a few days when I was on a roadtrip to Toronto. This was a good year and I’d recommend it. It’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. Bless the rains down in Africa.

Why do you have a homemade recording of what sounds like you singing Danzig’s “Mother”?

I didn’t have any money one Mother’s Day (which doesn’t really narrow it down) so I made this as a gift for my mom until I realized that she had never heard the song nor even know who Danzig is. This was a really sobering day for my family in that it solidified just how incompetent of an adult I am.

Why is the only song on your “sex playlist” Ginuwine’s “Pony”?

That’s the only song you need, really. Also, it’s four and a half minutes long so I don’t really need another song. What do I look like, a machine?

Why is the only song in your Recently Played list Everclear’s “Father of Mine”?

Right before you stole my iPod, I started one morning by listening to Everclear’s “Father of Mine” at 9 AM. After it finished, I went for another go-around. And another. And another. Before I knew it, it was almost noon and I’d done nothing but listen to Everclear’s “Father of Mine” all day. I challenged myself to go the distance and am proud to say that I did nothing but listen to Everclear’s “Father of Mine” for an entire day. Some people run ultra-marathons. This is what I do.

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Why do you have the Kidz Bop version of Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle”?

Because it’s hilarious. You can actually hear the sound of fans getting bummed out. I also have the Kidz Bop version of Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and Blink-182’s “All the Small Things” if you want to check those out.

Why do you have Joe Pesci’s novelty rap song?

I have this song on there because every time I’m at a party or social gathering I bring it up and when people tell me they’ve never heard it, I force them to listen to it. This may also explain why I don’t get invited to a lot of parties.

Why do you have a 30-minute recording of you interviewing the rapper Coolio?
Because it was the most amazing experience of my life and I put it on whenever I need to amp myself up for something.

Why don’t you have any Smiths songs?
Morrissey sucks.

What is ISIS?
This is just the band, not the terrorist group. Please don’t report me to the FBI, thank you.

How come when you play Rancid’s Let’s Go, it actually plays Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago?
I was embarrassed to have Bon Iver on my iPod so I renamed it to Let’s Go to hide it.

Well what if you want to listen to Let’s Go?
For Let’s Go, you have to go to Metallica’s Master of Puppets.

Then how do you listen to Master of Puppets?
I don’t actually have this album.

You don’t have Metallica, but you have Bon Iver?
Look, man. I don’t need your judgement right now, I just had my iPod stolen.

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Why did you put “WARNING ! ! !” all over the file for DJ Kool’s “Let Me Clear My Throat”?
Because I cannot be held responsible for my actions when that song comes on.

Why do you have an audio course on how to learn French?
I was trying to impress a woman.

Why do you have an audiobook about DIY taxidermy?
Also to impress a woman.

Was it the same woman?
Surprisingly yes.

Did it work?
Non.

Why do you have a podcast of you and your friend reviewing episodes of Marc Maron's podcast?
Yeah, WTF, WTF? never really took off.

Why do you have the audio from Nancy Grace’s 2 Chainz interview?
It’s the greatest thing that was ever on television.

Why do you have an audio file of the movie Total Recall?
I love that movie so much that I ripped the audio so I could listen to it in the car.

Isn’t it more of a visual movie, though?
That’s just like, your opinion.

Why don’t you have any Foo Fighters songs besides “Everlong”?
That’s the only one I can stand. All the others just sound like NFL commercials to me.

And now let’s do some rapid fire justifications…

Dragonforce - “Through the Fire and the Flames”
Was trying to master it for Guitar Hero.

Frou Frou - “Let Go”
The Garden State soundtrack seemed like a good idea in college.

Ash - “Kung Fu”
That scene in Rumble in the Bronx rocks.

Spin Doctors - “Two Princes”
Oh you got sick of this song in 1994? Well I never did. Jealous much?

That “Real Hero” song from Drive
I don’t know, I hate that song. You can delete it.

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Dashboard Confessional - The Swiss Army Romance
Haven’t you ever been dumped?

Perfect Strangers theme song
No explanation. Didn’t even know that was on there.

Reel Big Fish - Turn the Radio Off
Ska was cool for one week in high school.

Girl Talk - Night Ripper
Mash-ups were cool for one week in college.

“The Monster Mash”
It was originally for a Halloween party but worked its way into my gym playlist.

Black Eyed Peas - “Pump It”
Hm, uh… pass.

Willow Smith - “Whip My Hair”
Also pass.

Jason Mraz - “I’m Yours”
Fuck.

Coldplay - “Fix You”
Wow, I don’t want to play this game anymore.

Kreayshawn - “Gucci Gucci”
Jesus Christ, just keep the damn iPod.

If the folks at Apple are reading this and would like to send Dan Ozzi new products, they can reach him on Twitter