Prime Minister Stephen Harper is known for being many things to many people. On Tuesday December 9th, Harper added "rock musician" to that growing list, as he and his band performed what some people might call "music" for the Conservatives Christmas party. Turning down the opportunity to be known as Stephen Harper and the Conservative Funkadelics, the band's name was The Van Cats, a pun on the French word for "24" (vingt-quatre), since 24 Sussex is the address. Despite the fact that this is a terrible and lazy pun, this would turn out to be the best thing about the entire fiasco. What did The Van Cats decide to perform for a room full of Conservative politicians who are looking to celebrate the thing they insist be called "Christmas?" Would they choose to cover the soft and appropriate sounds of Michael Buble, allowing Harper to adopt the smoky bravado of a lounge singer? Or maybe they'd regale the crowd with something more uptempo and reflective of the rocky plains of rural Canada, like Shania Twain? No. Stephen and his band of miscreants chose to cover "Sweet Child Of Mine," a song by the hard rock Losa Angeles-based band known to the world as Guns N' Roses.Are you fucking kidding me Stephen? GNR? And you're supposed to be Axl?! This is why people don't vote.Not only did the government manage to fail the Canadian people yet again by choosing to perform a song that instilled some national pride, but they also chose a song that hasn't been relevant since Brian Mulroney was in office and Ben Mulroney was in second grade. Is this some sort of weird fantasy bucket list thing for Harper? I doubt it, because if that were the case he would have at least given this one dress rehearsal instead of coming in fast and dry, like he obviously did. Let's take a look at all of the issues presented within the span of a minute.- Why are his shoulders raised so high? Is he trying to store them on top of his head?
- Have you ever seen anyone having less fun as a frontman for a band?
- The groupies for this thing must suck.
- You can almost hear him counting the time down in his head until he has to break eye contact and look at a new place.
- A Roland keyboard is pretty tough, but imagine the damage this motherfucker could do with an MPC.
- This band's logo is prominently featured on the drum kit and is a treble clef with "24" beside it. #TeamBasic
- Is Stephen Harper skinnyfat or is Stephen Harper thick? Vote in the comments!
- How many really good and productive conversations do you think had to stop so that people could watch this shit?
- How are you going to be Axl Rose and remain seated the entire time?
- Why wouldn't you just cover a Drake song?
- What do you think Stephen Harper's favourite Drake song is? Vote in the comments!
- The rest of his band doesn't seem very enthused. How many people do you think faked sick to get out of this?
- Does Stephen Harper's hair get its own solo set or is it going to have to share the spotlight again?
- Have you ever seen anyone having less fun as a frontman for a band?
- The groupies for this thing must suck.
- You can almost hear him counting the time down in his head until he has to break eye contact and look at a new place.
- A Roland keyboard is pretty tough, but imagine the damage this motherfucker could do with an MPC.
- This band's logo is prominently featured on the drum kit and is a treble clef with "24" beside it. #TeamBasic
- Is Stephen Harper skinnyfat or is Stephen Harper thick? Vote in the comments!
- How many really good and productive conversations do you think had to stop so that people could watch this shit?
- How are you going to be Axl Rose and remain seated the entire time?
- Why wouldn't you just cover a Drake song?
- What do you think Stephen Harper's favourite Drake song is? Vote in the comments!
- The rest of his band doesn't seem very enthused. How many people do you think faked sick to get out of this?
- Does Stephen Harper's hair get its own solo set or is it going to have to share the spotlight again?