Reviews

"0-100" Freestyles, Reviewed

Objectively Correct Lists

By Skinny Friedman

0

Drake’s “0 to 100” starts as a sparse piano loop over hard drums, a combination irrestible to anyone that’s ever spit bars in their life. Despite the fact that the song is six minutes and switches to something way softer halfway through, “0 to 100” freestyles piled up quick. So I volunteered to review them. They’ve all been rated on a scale from zero to 100, except for Lil Durk (who goes from zero to 300, obviously). The list is alphabetical.

Some notes:

I tried to review 100 “0 to 100” freestyles for continuity, but a bunch of the ones I downloaded were just labeled “0 to 100” or “Drake” with no artist. Tag your shit, rappers!

It’s crazy how many dudes just went in with no regard for context. This is a Drake beat, not “Quiet Storm remix."

Like half of these are from Philly.

Only two females in the whole world (Lstreetz and the awesomely-named Leen Bean) decided to remix "0-100." OK, let's go!

Artist: A.Rising.Superstar
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 25

Artist: Ace Porter
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60

Artist: Antboogiee x Killah Zah
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40
Notes: Ambitious rookies probably recording on a laptop mic. Not mad!

Artist: Avenue and Deon Chase
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: Very competent. I think Avenue’s manager was supposed to send me a shirt but I never got it.

Artist: Black Deniro
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 75
Notes: Dude said “I been in court more than Chris Brown.”

Artist: Booch
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 65

Artist: Bred to Live
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 30

Artist: Bukkweat Bill
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 66.6
Notes: I thought this was Bushwick Bill at first, but apparently Noisey's covered him a bunch.
 

Artist: Bynoe
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 65

Artist: Casino Dave
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Not to be confused with Casino, Ex-Drug Dealer.

Artist: Cassidy
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 90
Notes: I listen to Cassidy like twice a year and I always enjoy his dumb punchlines and overenunciation. He’s like Burger King; great once in a while but would get very old very fast.

Artist: Chic Raw
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40
Notes: Mentions percocets by name, definitely from Philly.

Artist: Chris Brown
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 5

Artist: Chuck Uzi
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: D-Raw
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 30

Artist: Da New Kid
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 90
Notes: Pretty great. Builds the hook into his raps to construct a full song, finishes out by singing Gap Band. I like this a lot.

Artist: Da Youngfellaz
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Darius
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 35
Notes: Probably recorded in a dorm room. Calls himself “the lyrical messiah” which is totally what Darius would do.

Artist: David Stones
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: I remember liking this one but the only note I put was “casually thuggin'.”

Artist: DeeRake
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: N/A
Notes: Dude apparently took his freestyle down but yo, “DeeRake?” C’mon son.

Artist: DoT
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 35

Artist: Dotcomm
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Not sure if this is Dotcomm from 30 Rock. Assuming not.

Artist: Dusty McFly
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60
Notes: Sounds like his manager made him do it.

Artist: E-Dot f/ Young Juan
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: E.P.I.C.
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: E.P.I.C. is from Botswana and he says he’s “tryna push a Subaru”.

Artist: Fat Trel
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 75
Notes: Goes in pretty heavy and sounds motivated. Good work, Gleesh.

Artist: Freshh
Is it too long?Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: Heavy French Montana influence. Has a tape on the way called With Or Without Niggas which makes me picture Bono in a durag.

Artist: G-Unit
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 75
Notes: Good to hear the gang back together. Kidd Kidd kinda comes off.

Artist: Gizmo
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Gleams
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50

Artist: Goldie
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50 Notes: This is getting tedious.

Artist: Gudda Gudda
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: Technically “0 to 500” but sorry Gudda you still get the same grade scale as everyone else. He does kinda beast on this though.

Artist: Hollowman
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Unfortunately no mentions of the Kevin Bacon movie which is his namesake.

Artist: Hollywood Keefy
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 65

Artist: J. Colv
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 75
Notes: Sounds kind of like Sticky Fingaz. Compelling raps! I like this dude.

Artist: J-Fresh
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Jay Pharoah
Is it too long? God Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: He sounds like Wordsworth passed him the mic in 2001. Also, holy shit, this is the same Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live.

Artist: Jin
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60
Notes: Is he doin a book tour or something?

Artist: Joe Simmons
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Joell Ortiz
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 75
Notes: Never been a huge fan of Slaughterhouse’s rappers that like to rap about rappin steez which means I always forget how much I actually like Joell. Also in the context of a bunch of other boring rappers, he really stands out as someone that makes rappity rap sound fun and compelling.

Artist: K. Mekonen
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50

Artist: Kap G
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: I really like Kap G. There’s a luchador-heavy video for this too.

Artist: King Rashee
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: KY Tae
Is it too long?Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Lapse
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50

Artist: Lee Majors
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50

Artist: Leen Bean
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 80
Notes: The first female so far. Very aggressive flow and good presence. Tweaked the beat in a kind of cool way. Well done!

Artist: Lil Durk
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 300
Notes: “GIVE ME PROBATION I DON’T DRINK OR SMOKE ANYWAY”

Artist: Lil Mouse
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Basically just an excuse for him to loop up “I be on my Lil Mouse drill shit." I think his voice changed.

Artist: Louie V Gutta
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60
Notes: Meek Mill’s old artist dissing Meek Mill. Inevitable response will be like (insert joke here).

Artist: Louis Lyles
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Lstreetz
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 65
Notes: The second woman, known for her hard as fuck track “Informants.”

Artist: Meek Mill
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: Even Meek kinda boring at this point, I think I need to take a break.

Artist: Mike Stud
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40
Notes: Why am I listening to a Hoodie Allen diss track?

Artist: Milk Tyson f/ MPA Shitro
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40
Notes: Includes the billionth Donald Sterling punchline I’ve heard today.

Artist: Min Mugga
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 35

Artist: MKU Flash
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Bonus points for a fake Funk Flex intro.

Artist: Papoose
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 65
Notes: Papoosers gon Papoose.

Artist: Parker
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 35
Notes: Sounds exactly like how you think a rapper named Parker would.

Artist: Problem
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70

Artist: Quilly f/ Kur
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60
Notes: “You the type to kill my high when I’m not high” was funny.

Artist: Ransom
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60

Artist: Rich Homie Quan
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Rich the Kid
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Ricky Balboa
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 20
Notes: HORRORCORE BACK!

Artist: S.B.O.E.
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40
Notes: “0 to 300” but not from Chicago is kinda suspect.

Artist: Santos
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Sevon Miles
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 35

Artist: Shinobi Cam
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50

Artist: Sir Darkseid
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50

Artist: Skeme
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 80
Notes: Rips it! I don’t even really check for Skeme but this is good.

Artist: Smartguye
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 30

Artist: Soulja Boy
Is it too long? No
0 to: 70
Notes: Soulja Boy can do whatever he wants.

Artist: Tef Poe
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 70
Notes: Acknowledging the change in vibe by breaking in the middle to talk about fighting with his girl before hoppin a Megabus.

Artist: Tone
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 65
Notes: Pretty good! Says “yo why you checkin my speedometer?”

Artist: Trapboy Dubz
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Started off by sayin “awww shucks” but lost steam quickly.

Artist: Trey P and Boss KO
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 30

Artist: Tripper Getem
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 25

Artist: Trippz Michaud
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 10

Artist: Uncle Murda f/ GMG
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 75
Notes: Uncle Murda is always fun. GMG is whatever but I enjoyed this.

Artist: Vado
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60
Notes: Vado gon Vad.

Artist: Waka Flocka Flame
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 60
Notes: I’m not inherently mad at lyrical Flocka but his “Y’KNOW!” adlib really grates on me.

Artist: Wild Milly
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 50
Notes: Not wild at all for a dude named “Wild Milly”

Artist: Young Legend
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 30

Artist: Young Merc
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 40

Artist: Zeek P
Is it too long? Yes
0 to: 55
Notes: This is what Wild Milly should have sounded like.

 

Skinny Friedman is exhausted. He's on Twitter - @skinny412

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