What We're Going to be Culturally Appropriating at Music Festivals in 2015

Hey, hey, hey. Shh. We know, they don't understand. Let us rub your shoulders a little bit. Some ding dongs are mad at you for wearing an Indian hat thingie at a music festival. You know, the one with the feathers. They say dumb things like "they're called 'war bonnets' and possess a sacred, inviolable power". So dumb, right? I mean, Tiesto also possesses a sacred, inviolable power and you were just trying to look, like, super dope when he played at BassXXXplos1on2014 or whatever. Ugh. Then they're like "they exist solely to honour members of Native American peoples. To wear someone else's bonnet is a grave violation. To generate a cheap, reductive facsimile of a bonnet is that same violation compounded by cultural theft, dishonour and insult". I mean jee-zus. Maybe if they're so worried about this shit they shouldn't have made hats that look so fucking cool. We understand. But. All these internet nerds and 'actual members of an indigenous peoples trying to defend their traditions and heritage from plunder by the unthinking, irrevocably metastasising, white-people-privileging scourge of late-stage capitalism' (whatever than means) probably aren't going to let up.

Don't worry though. There's all kind of badass, exotic shit you can wear when the next festival rolls around. We got your back. Now lean back and kiss us deeply. Like Pocahontas kissed John Smith in that Disney adaptation of what's probably a scholarly history book.

Jewish shit

Oh boy, do you even realise how much cool shit the people who secretly control the world banking system and – obviously – control all media (especially VICE) wear on their bodies? A lot. Plus, it doesn't really matter. You know your neighbour Shoshana? She eats bacon sometimes so there's no way anybody cares about this shit. Let's run this down. Yarmulkes: basically fun little pizzas you put on your head. You know what ingredient is good on pizza? The sanskrit for 'angel' you got tattooed above your love hole. Payot: Doesn't even need to considered. Hair extensions are super tight. Tefillin: Wow. Cool bondage shit. That's very in right now. Hassidic suits: we've all seen Reservoir Dogs. Shit, maybe you could be a sexy Mr Blonde cutting off Deadmau5's ear. But in a sexy way. Just lose the hat. You don't want to look ridiculous.

Glory Suits

Suddenly the hunter becomes the hunted. You're appropriating the agents of appropriation. You've outplayed everyone at the table, turned up a straight flush, pulled in all their chips and get to run around a fairground like the drug-addled bozo you are. Who's going to get mad at you for adopting the traditional garb of the Ku Klux Klan? Outside of everybody, there's only people who aren't racist. Plus: that white, white, white, cotton is going to keep you cooler than all those idiots running around with their flesh exposed. They're just trying to find some escape from the oppressive strictures of a culture who demonises self-expression and unapologetic sexuality. You feel marginally less warm, so who's the idiot now?

Clogs

Hey, man. You're a presence on the dancefloor. You pride yourself on that fact, it's who you are. It's the way you conceptualise yourself and you'll brook no criticism for doing so. Yet a haunting thought swirls around your mind: "how could I be even more of an asshole while I swing my arms about with absolutely no consideration for anyone else?" We got the answer. Solid wood shoes. Those things are going to make your feet a Disneyland of injuries for yourself and a Universal Studios of inconvenience for everyone else. Mission accomplished. Plus: fuck the Dutch. You think you got everything figured out with your legal weed and general air of benign socialism? Fuck you.

Face Tattoos

As neck tattoos become the new tramp stamp or ‘‘tard card’, bros need new spots to draw attention to how much of a ‘sick cunt’ they are. Nothing screams ‘drawing attention’ like a permanent drawing on your face. Yeah some Maori might get in a bit of a haka over it but most dudes walking around a music festival ‘tops off’ with a Mike Tyson inspired face design struggle to pronounce ‘cultural appropriation’ let alone understand it’s meaning.

Burkas

Until Jacqui Lambie attempts smuggling two bottles of Smirnoff and a goon sack of riesling into Summer Daze, then the intermediate Islamic scholar should keep her hands off our burkas.

Foot Binding

Now you don’t know this yet, because popular media hasn’t opened your eyes, but big feet are super gross. In 2015 fashion will alert you to the error of you straight-toed ways and soon you’ll be turned off by an un crippled foot in a sandal. Nothing says, "I’m poor and on my feet all day" like a large healthy extremity with a steady flow of blood and no gangrene.

Foot binding was all the rage for thousands of years in China, in fact it was only outlawed last century. Everything Chinese is super cool and mad lux, they make up one third of luxury goods and fashion sales and Chinese consumers are on average 10 years younger than their European counterparts. We look like shit compared to China, but we have to start somewhere to catch up. We vote for 1279.

Sombreros

In 2014 the coolest nationality is still French because we love it when people look like they don’t care what’s going on and are generally super bored. But fuck France, we’re all about Mexico. Like those hilarious old guys from Top Gear pointed out, no one does lazy like those guys. If you think smoking a cigarette while staring glassy eyed into space is cool you’re gonna lose your shit over sombreros. They rule because they’re a hat that you wear to look cute while sleeping in public. Literally sitting down in the middle of the street, putting on a sombrero and going to sleep is going to be huge in 2015.

Lederhosen

German beer girl outfits used to be sexy. The key is 'used to' because around the time we were all being born people outside of Germany got super into Octoberfest and now they’re what drunk British girls wear on holidays. Luckily Lederhosen have all the charm with none of the bad vibes. Guys take note, leather breeches will occupy the space of functional fashion that overalls currently do. Plus you can try them in leather for an edgy look, or cotton for a most classic office-to-bar vibe. Either way your bulge is going to look amazing.

Confederate Flags

As it stands pretty much only white people go to outdoor music festivals. They are like gated communities where the Drones and Oscar and Martin play through the public PA and taco trucks are at the end of each block. The Confederate States of Public Radio Subscribers. At an Australian music festival the Dixie flag is a symbol of the inner north and west and represents Northcote, Brunswick, Thornbury, Surry Hills, Redfern and New Farm pride. Just try and remove a Confederate Flag bumper sticker from a Corolla Ascent and you will be met with years of angry and paranoid cultural insecurity and doubt.