What Your Favourite Australian Festival Says About You

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Splendour in the Grass just finished—or as we like to call it, Bender in the Grass! Fuck. Sorry about that.

We’re here to talk about festivals. Namely, what your favourite says about you. There is nothing like judging complete strangers on the web. Absolutely nothing like it. Except something called ‘bullying,’ which is actually very similar.

Anyway, we’re all full of ourselves and want to read anything we can that relates to us, but we also hate ourselves, and like to forcibly lower our self esteem regularly. So read on to do exactly those two things at once.

What does your festival choice say about you?

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GOLDEN PLAINS

• You own like seventy stubby holders and you truly cherish each one.
• Your favourite band is a tie between Grinderman and Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings. This says that you're serious about music but you also like to have a good time (where appropriate).
• You’ve been wearing the same pair of RMs for a decade.
• You “love” taking “acid” but it kinda scares you.
• You packed 84 muesli bars last time you went. You didn't eat any of them because of cotton mouth.
• You work at a green grocer and go to a film every Monday night.

Favourite song: Courtney Barnett, “Depreston”
Starsign: Libra

Image from Stereosonic's Facebook

STEREOSONIC

• You jumped the fence.
• Muzzing.
• You wear french braids every day.
• You have had to seek first aid at least once due to a cocktail of drugs and heatstroke.
• You’re the 2IC of a General Pants and Co.
• You collect festival wristbands.
• Don’t take this the wrong way but this is literally you.

Favourite song: The Prodigy, “Firestarter”
Starsign: Gemini

Image from Big Day Out's Facebook

BIG DAY OUT

• You were cryogenically frozen in 1998.
• You are still cryogenically frozen.
• If you read this when they dredge you up: Welcome.
• The bad news? You made a huge mistake because it’s just getting worse out here, and the 2000s were kind of cool.
• Daniel Johns sucks now.
• Coldplay are really different.
• The good news? My Bloody Valentine are back.
• That’s about it.

Favourite song: Regurgitator, “The Song Formerly Known As”
Starsign: Cancer

Image from SITG's Instagram

SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS

• Your first job was at Boost Juice. Then you were a VM at Sportsgirl. Now you work for The Iconic.
• You buy most of your clothes off Instagram for some reason, not even you really know why.
• You say "bae" a helluva lot. It's horrible but people don't seem to mind that much, probably because you're very cute.
• "This too shall pass."
• You bought a sheet of metallic temporary tattoos exclusively for this event.
• You describe yourself as “chill,” despite the fact you literally put a cap full of MDMA into your asshole last night.

Favourite song: Flume, “Never Be Like You”
Starsign: Sagittarius

Image from Strawberry Fields' Instagram

STRAWBERRY FIELDS

• You live in Brunswick. East.
• Your friendship group is like five hundred people.
• Flylo once threw a water bottle and it hit you and you tell everyone about this.
• “What happened to XXYYXX?”
• Your favourite shape is a triangle—“I think it would be sick to just paint some triangles and shit on my face, cause you know, they’re such a like, harmonious shape dude. Like, all even sides and shit. No matter how you look at a triangle, it’s always the right way up. I love that dude. I really love that idea.”
• You have plans to one day make your own hummus.
• You organise bush doofs for the inner city.

Favourite song: Floating Points, "Vacuum Boogie"
Starsign: Pisces

Image from Bluesfest's Facebook

BLUESFEST

• You either have a kid, or you are the kid.
• Your parents are proud of you.
• You have a Spotify playlist for dinner parties that is entirely Lucinda Williams.
• You have had the same car for twenty years.
• You love NPR and Ira Glass. The best episode of This American Life was the one about the kid who lived in a shitty area but due to a quirk of fate managed to attend a prestigious school 45 minutes away. It was a long walk there every morning, especially in the winter, but the kid did it anyway. The kid got into Harvard. Now they’re an environmental lawyer, fighting against the Trans-Pacific Partnership. You bring this story up at every single opportunity.

Favourite song: Leon Bridges, “Coming Home”
Starsign: Virgo

Image from Falls Festival's Instagram

FALLS

• You’re wearing a pair of Vans right now, and have been for basically 10 years.
• You’re the only person allowed to touch your record player.
• You wanna fuck Hope from Mazzy Star (fair).
• "Nothing like a good kick of the footy on Chrissy day."
• Pingers.
• You had a beer with Kurt Vile at the Corner in 2011.
• Flannel shirts.

Favourite song: Arctic Monkeys, "Do I Wanna Know?"
Starsign: Taurus

Image from Groovin' the Moo's Instagram

GROOVIN' THE MOO

• You just got your P plates (congratulations).
• You have a positive affirmation tattooed on you somewhere (wrist or ribs).
• You wear a lot of backwards caps.
• Vampire Weekend are sick.
• Moving to Sydney “the day I turn 18.”
• You have a draw full of fake IDs.
• You have drawn all over your converse.

Favourite song: You say it’s “Controlla” by Drake, but really it’s “Jimmy Recard”
Starsign: Capricorn

Image from Earthcore Instagram

EARTHCORE

• You’re either a regular doofer, or a really adventurous PR girl with 34k Instagram followers and nowhere else to wear the insane sponsored outfits you’ve got planned this year.
• Your parents smoke more weed than you do.
• You never wear pants that cover your knees.
• Every photo you takes uses a fisheye effect.
• You take a fuckload of drugs, dude, admit it.
• You believe we’re all one race: “The Human Race.”

Favourite song: Ace Ventura, “Stomping Ground”
Starsign: Aries

Image from Laneway Festival Instagram

LANEWAY

• You “know Jerome”
• You have ¾ of a Fine Art degree.
• You wanna move to LA.
• You have like 10k Instagram followers.
• You’re in an all girl alt rock band. No releases. Yet.
• Mac Demarco.
• You’ve probably fucked Danny Brown (well done).
• You get around dog filter.

Favourite song: King Krule, “Easy Easy”
Starsign: Leo

Image from Listen Out Facebook

LISTEN OUT

• You and the “Mandem” are going together. Hope to see a “pengting” here or there.
• All your jackets are North Face.
• Considering getting a Sadboys stick and poke a few years back. Decided against it.
• You wear a bum bag across your chest.
• You think Kylie Jenner is mint.
• You’re currently trying to sell your old Ozweegos in some Facebook group.

Favourite song: Skepta, "That's Not Me"
Starsign: Scorpio

Image from Defqon1 Instagram

DEFQON1 AUSTRALIA

• You went to Tomorrowland in 2012. It changed your life.
• There isn’t an zingle “S” in your iTunez library. Everything uzez a “Z.”
• You probably should be European.
• You’re literally always wearing a hoodie.
• Your parents do not get you.
• You own a decorative gas mask.
• You have a heart of gold but you take wayyyy too many drugs dude.

Favourite song: Headhunterz, "Scrap Attack" (obviously)
Starsign: Aquarius

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