Hello, aspiring journalist! Congratulations on making the terrible life choice to venture into the soul-crushing and thoroughly unprofitable world of music writing. You’ll no doubt have to do your fair share of interviews. Any good interview with a musician requires three things: preparation, attentiveness, and the patience to listen to people ramble on endlessly about themselves. It also requires a strong set of questions. So I guess that would be four things. Let that be a lesson to you: Good writing also requires the ability to edit. Wait, so make that five things.
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A good rule of thumb for interview questions is: Can this question be asked of literally any band ever? If so, it is a bad question. Do not ask it. Musicians are tired of answering them. Readers are tired of reading them. Below is a handy guide to some of the most cliché interview questions which have been asked since the dawn of music. Avoid them at all costs.
What does your band name mean?
What you’re actually asking: “Instead of doing even the most basic of research about your band on Wikipedia beforehand, I spent all day on PornHub, watching moving pictures of people being inside one another. Then I ate a whole sleeve of Chips Ahoy. But nevermind my exciting life, you named your band at some point, right? How’d that go down?”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! It’s actually a really interesting story. My grandfather was a holocaust survivor who hadn’t spoken a word since his release from Auschwitz in 1944. I visited him on his death bed as a boy and [chokes up] with his last dying breath, he whispered the words after which I would name my band.”The answer you’ll get: “It’s from an episode of Doug.”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
What are your influences?
What you’re actually asking: “Your band sounds exactly like a bunch of other bands I can’t quite put my finger on. Can you list some bands you’ve ripped off like this is some sort of dating website profile? That way, your fans can read this and say, ‘Oh wow, I like those influences as well! My connection to this band has been completely validated. Thank you, wonderful interviewer!’”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! Allow me to rattle off a list of completely unexpected and underappreciated bands so that readers will be completely taken aback by my personal tastes and discover that there’s more depth to my artistry than people might assume!”
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The answer you’ll get: “Like, Jawbreaker, I guess?”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
For female band members: What’s it like being a girl in a band?
What you’re actually asking: “In my extensive research of looking at a photo of your band, I discovered that you have a vagina and not a penis. Does that crazy ol’ bergina of yours prevent you from making music in any way? Like when you have your period and stuff? Tell me about this uncharted intersection of music and lady vajiners.”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! Music has actually empowered me as a woman in ways I shall now eloquently outline. My words will become iconic and erase gender inequality as we know it. This interview will be referenced in essential feminist readings for decades to come and your name will be credited as the catalyst. Now ride off on your white horse.”The answer you’ll get: “It’s pretty much the same, I guess?”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
How do you write your songs?
What you’re actually asking: “I’ve never personally constructed anything creatively before, hence my fledgling careerlet in music journalism. Please tell me about your artistic process, which I assume involves some form of sorcery.”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! I recently went on a spiritual journey through the mountains of Ladakh. I lived in a tent and survived on nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms for eight months. When I came to, I discovered the album had been finished. Thank you for this platform which has allowed me to share this marvelous tale.”
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The answer you’ll get: “Well like, generally I come in with the basic ideas and the band helps me make them into full songs. Really exciting stuff.”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
How was the recording process for your album?
What you’re actually asking: “I literally cannot think of something more interesting to ask about than what it was like to sit in a room and watch some producer no one cares about dick around with buttons and dials for two weeks. Can you tell me about this incredibly boring experience so the reader has something to skip over?”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! You’re never going to believe this but…” (Sorry, I actually don’t know what answer you’re looking to get out of this question that wouldn’t be the most mind-numbingly boring response ever recorded.)The answer you’ll get: “It was great. The producer was great and I think the record reflects how great the great experience was. Great.”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
Describe your sound for someone who’s never heard you.
What you’re actually asking: “I’m a lazy sack of shit and have no business writing about music critically. Please do my work for me. Here is a Mad Libs-style interview you can just fill out while I play Bejeweled on my phone.”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! I guess we’d say we’re sort of Nu-Traditional Omni-Folk Hop or Orchestral Christian Black Metal or Apolitical Health Goth or Cyber Yacht Fucktronica. Something in between those but really, it doesn't have a genre.”
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The answer you’ll get: “Just like, regular rock?"The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
Got any good tour stories?
What you’re actually asking: “I’ve never left my hometown and imagine the outside world is magical and wonderous. Can you allow me to live vicariously through your tales of your epic journeys through this great nation?”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! Gather round as I recount the story of The Great Montreal Expedition of 2012. It has everything—suspense, romance, reflections on the human condition. Your readers are in for a real treat.”The answer you’ll get: “Dave puked in the van once.”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”Dan Ozzi has probably asked every single one of these but seriously how did you get your band name? Follow him on Twitter -@danozzi
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What you’re actually asking: “Your band sounds exactly like a bunch of other bands I can’t quite put my finger on. Can you list some bands you’ve ripped off like this is some sort of dating website profile? That way, your fans can read this and say, ‘Oh wow, I like those influences as well! My connection to this band has been completely validated. Thank you, wonderful interviewer!’”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! Allow me to rattle off a list of completely unexpected and underappreciated bands so that readers will be completely taken aback by my personal tastes and discover that there’s more depth to my artistry than people might assume!”The answer you’ll get: “Like, Jawbreaker, I guess?”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
What you’re actually asking: “In my extensive research of looking at a photo of your band, I discovered that you have a vagina and not a penis. Does that crazy ol’ bergina of yours prevent you from making music in any way? Like when you have your period and stuff? Tell me about this uncharted intersection of music and lady vajiners.”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! Music has actually empowered me as a woman in ways I shall now eloquently outline. My words will become iconic and erase gender inequality as we know it. This interview will be referenced in essential feminist readings for decades to come and your name will be credited as the catalyst. Now ride off on your white horse.”The answer you’ll get: “It’s pretty much the same, I guess?”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
What you’re actually asking: “I’ve never personally constructed anything creatively before, hence my fledgling careerlet in music journalism. Please tell me about your artistic process, which I assume involves some form of sorcery.”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! I recently went on a spiritual journey through the mountains of Ladakh. I lived in a tent and survived on nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms for eight months. When I came to, I discovered the album had been finished. Thank you for this platform which has allowed me to share this marvelous tale.”The answer you’ll get: “Well like, generally I come in with the basic ideas and the band helps me make them into full songs. Really exciting stuff.”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
What you’re actually asking: “I literally cannot think of something more interesting to ask about than what it was like to sit in a room and watch some producer no one cares about dick around with buttons and dials for two weeks. Can you tell me about this incredibly boring experience so the reader has something to skip over?”The answer you’re looking for: “What a great question! You’re never going to believe this but…” (Sorry, I actually don’t know what answer you’re looking to get out of this question that wouldn’t be the most mind-numbingly boring response ever recorded.)The answer you’ll get: “It was great. The producer was great and I think the record reflects how great the great experience was. Great.”The answer you deserve: “Fuck you.”
