What if Regis Philbin Had Written 'Yeezus?'

In Modern String Theory, it’s postulated that perhaps there is an infinite number of alternate universes that are manifested out of the decisions and possibilities that don’t exist in our own, from the mundane (an alternative existence where you decided to get the steak instead of the pork chop) to the extreme (the Trail Blazers drafting Michael Jordan). The possibility of limitless alternate universes, each saddled with its own constants and variables, is a really exciting proposition, because it also means there are millions and millions different versions of Yeezus floating through timespace.

Yeezus could have been made by an infinite number of important artists and visionaries. Naturally, we here at Noisey wanted to pull back the curtain a little bit, and using our soon-to-be-announced alternate-universe scrying power, we were able to gather a few fragments of some of the versions of Yeezus that were previously restricted in our dimensional isolation. The multiverse is vast, and some of these variables might surprise you.

Reezus season approaching
Fuck whatever y’all have been hearing
Wikipedia article got 12 fucking sections
Ride Notre Dame forever forgave Te’o’s deception
Soon as I pull up and park the Benz
Better use all your lifelines before I put you to bed
Is that your final answer? Lock it in
Roman Catholic so don’t fuck with my sins
Bronx bully again
5”7’ again
Daytime Emmy For Outstanding Game Show Host again
And I know Live with Kelly got you hot like cayenne
We’ve interviewed more people than CNN, haah

Want me to show you how awesome it is to be Regis Philbin?
I’ll show you right now before you phone a friend.
Want me to show you how awesome it is to be Regis Philbin?
I’ll show you right now before you phone a friend.

For my theme song
Japanese singer in the epilogue
The parents disappear so the story works, that’s agreed upon
Monster with really round eyes, he’s more friendly than he leads on
Best director in Nippon
You see Roger Ebert handing out four golden stars
White people feeling Studio Ghibli ‘cause it’s hand-drawn
Trophies everywhere I'm at peace like the ohm
They see an East-Asian filmmaker stealing their buzz
I break down tropes like Godzilla vs. King Kong
Middle America packed in
Come to see my rejection of Westernism
Number one question they asking
Is why is the frame-rate so lacking?
If I don’t get run out by the Cannes kids
Here comes the stodgy Sundanceians
Claiming my themes aren't substantive
But my fantasy worlds keep on maxing

My name is Maude
Well actually it’s Ruth but I was in Harold and Maude
When I was in Rosemary’s Baby they all would laud
You don’t know who I am because you’re reading Noisey.com
That’s okay, good to meet you, my name is Maude

My mother was born in the era when
The moon was the furthest we could place a lens
Doing research you would thought that I had help
But they weren't satisfied lest I put Jesus ahead of myself
You see it’s that Pope Urban VIII Geocentricism
That’s that “Sun rotating the Earth”
It’s that Galeezus Heliocentrism
That’s that “Fuck the virgin birth”
Used to be only peasants now everybody’s playing
Putting everything in science’s domain

I can’t handle no wicker
But these bees can’t handle me
I wasn’t cast in the reboot of City Slickers
So I guess I have to accept another weird movie
You say you know me, my duder
But really you know the Nic Cage from '93

[No music, no rapping, just the most violent-sounding orgasm you’ve ever heard in your life.]

I make a mean Hot Toddy
I make my lasagna real saucy
I’m Emeril Lagasse
Celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse
Throwing on the garlic
People clapping for the garlic
My catchphrase is the garlic
Wouldn’t be anywhere without the garlic
Before Paula Deen got ya
Before Guy Fieri got ya
Remember that Emeril was the first one
So swallow these onions
One of the sections on my Wikipedia page is “Contributions to Space Exploration”

Trick question. In every alternate universe, “Guilt Trip” is left off the record.

Rockstar bitch call me Elvis
That’s because I am actually Elvis
A bottle of codeine, getting reckless
Shorty’s killing, while I’m rockabillin’
Straight at you from Memphis, Tenessee
Made “Jailhouse Rock,” dodging girlies in the street
Last night, my bitches came in threes
But I was too nervous of what Priscilla might think
I promise I’m not a racist, thee Internet’s Kool-Aid, you shouldn’t drink
This golden toilet cost a milly, so did the suit and the hat
When I plop my ass down I ain’t coming back

I know you’re tired of land-lubbing
All the cool kids are pirates, you bummin’
Just get a hook for a hand, and say, “All me hearties”
Wouldn’t it be crazy if Charlie Wilson were a pirate

Luke Winkie is adding very important commentary to the Yeezus conversation. Follow him on Twitter - @luke_winkie