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Music

Trying to Understand David Cameron's Special Little Union Jack Headphones

The leader of our country wears headphones that look like he acquired them by haggling with a man behind a collapsable table at Camden Lock.
Emma Garland
London, GB

An unusual photo of David Cameron surfaced this week. No, nothing to do with a pig, but this is almost better, more wildly nonsensical. Our prime minister, David Cameron, appears to wile away long journeys by listening to music on his own little pair of Beats headphones. But not any pair of Beats headphones, Union Jack emblazoned Beats headphones. The leader of our country wears headphones that look like he acquired them by haggling with a man behind a collapsable table at Camden Lock on a Sunday. I have a lot of questions about this, so let's start at the beginning.

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Q1) WHY?

It turns out the photo was taken as Dave was casually boarding a flight to Lanzarote. Imagine you are on a flight to Lanzarote. You don't expect to see David Cameron, but you are also not surprised because of the strange cultural phenomenon of British MP's selecting infamous party islands as their relaxed holiday destinations of choice. So you're trying to deal with that, which is difficult enough, but then you also have to contend with the fact that he's wearing those things, blasting out Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" through his novelty cans; probably thinking about austerity or Top Gear or the Cotswolds or oil paintings of himself or whatever it is he likes to think about for pleasure when he's not busy sweating on BBC news; and no doubt regularly leaning across you to get the little bags of KP Nuts he keeps relentlessly ordering from the flight attendant.

Q2) WHY?

When you wear Union Jack headphones in public, especially if you are the prime minister of the UK, you can probably expect a picture of it to end up on the Internet. In this case, The Sun got on it, desperately forcing out as many puns as physically possible to print on a page, like an elderly gentlemen trying to coax out a few more drops of urine in a public toilet. You can almost see their editorial staff sat around a table, barking "In Da Bullingdon Club!" and "Commons People!" and "Fight For Your Right To Tory Party!" and "How Many Years Do I Have Left Here Until Sweet, Sweet Death Arrives!"

Q3) WHY?

The Union Jack isn't really a symbol of national pride, is it? You'd be much more likely to see a British person wearing an "I Heart NY" t-shirt or a pair of leggings with all-over star spangled banner print and think less of it. The Union Jack is a reminder of the monarchy at best and colonialism and fascism at worst. If you fly the Union Jack from your house it's automatically assumed that you're a far-right racist, or you didn't tidy up properly after the Olympics. Unless you're on tour in America with Boy Better Know, best to leave the Union Jack at home where no one can see it, not wrap it around your head on a flight to Lanzagrotty.

Q4) WHERE DID THEY EVEN COME FROM?

Word on the street – read as: an extensive article in The Mirror – is that these are David Cameron's own special headphones. By which I mean, they are an ex-promotional item that Beats made for the 2012 London Olympics. That means D-Cam didn't just receive these one day and think, "Oh, what the hey! I'll put em on," like when your dad nips to the corner shop in the nearest jacket to the front door and arrives back with a pint of milk wearing a small Miss Selfridges hoody. No, Cameron actually specifically requested these discontinued headphones. Apparently, ministers are only allowed to accept gifts up to £140, but he loved his Union Jack cans so much he decided to use some of his prime ministerial gift vouchers to acquire them at a discounted price of £59.95.

Q5) CAN BEATS EVER RECOVER FROM THIS, LIKE, HONESTLY?

Probably. Beats have quite a lot of money. It's pretty bad PR, but then so is James Bay's hat and he seems to be doing fine. Basically, you can't trust the general public. As Super Hans once said, "People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can’t trust people, Jez."

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