I'm convinced that Future is a prophet. There is no doubt in my mind. I can't tell you how many times I start to think "Should I really have this Krispy Kreme Doughnut Hamburger?" and then remember how hard I've creatively loafed at work and utter that beautiful phrase—it tickles my lips as it escapes—"You Deserve It." Throughout his AutoTune-slathered discography Future routinely gives us great advice through song. And even when he's not giving us words to live by, he croons with the tenderest of pathos and taps into the dark, repressed Rancor dungeons of our emotions, reducing entire prison populations into blubbering teen girls leaving summer camp. There is nothing this man cannot do with his voice, except perhaps to be on key. With all this said, modern technology often fails Future. Yes, the same modern technology that allows Future to take weekend trips to Pluto cannot handle his wondrous audio. Routinely, his vocals are ruined by treacherous hertzes. Add to that how most of our tympanic membranes are not trained to hear the highest of Future's fragile frequencies, and you begin to wonder "What am I missing?" I've compiled a list of nine (because Pluto is the ninth planet ACCORDING TO MY CHILDHOOD AND NOT SOME WISHY-WASHY INDIAN-GIVER SCIENTISTS) my favorite misheard or indecipherable Future lyrics. For all our sakes, I hope we, as a society, can come to some agreement on these. Our, uh, future depends on it."Big-booty freak and she fart" ("Straight Up" at 0:22)I truly hope that she does not, though the idea that a larger-fannied freak might flatulate frequently or with more force has not been explored by scientists."All my heaux treat me very poorly" ("Straight Up" at 0:25)In just one song, modern audio engineering fails Future twice. 'Tis heartbreaking that Future can't find someone that appreciates him for the beautiful soul he is. Hopefully, Nayvadius realizes that he is worthy of love, worthy of happiness. He deserves it. Shouts to CiBandz. CiBandz 4 ever."Addicted to making movies/ I like 'em when they bougie/ Anytime I step out and when I come through it's a zoovie" ("We in This Bitch 1.5" at 1:45)I accidentally downloaded what I think was a zoovie off Kazaa in 2003. And, if rockstardom consists of girl mouths and goats, then count me out."A1 Free Bands Free Bands, we ain't never got a goddamned flarge" ("Racks" at 2:30)Being a regular Joe has its perks. We get the benefit of being nobodies (no paparazzi), don't have to worry about always carrying around a Sharpie Chisel Tip Permanent Marker to sign stuff, and we have the freedom to drive a Toyota Tercel. However, the biggest frustration of being non-famous is that we have to get a goddamned flarge. We can't escape the flarge. It pervades everything we do. Oh, how I long for the day where I can shed the shackles of the god motherfucking damned flarge."Just a young hood nigga/ Screech raised me" (Same Damn Time" at 2:08)Me too, Future. Saved By the Bell came on at 7 am on TBS every weekday. I watched an hour of it every day for six years before school. Things I learned from Screech:
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- How to dress
- How to be unrelenting in my loyalty
- How to be happy with a robot as your best friend (Kevin)
- How to properly administer a Dirty Sanchez