DJ Paris on the 1s and 2s: The Dark World Of Celebrity DJs

The internet is alight right now with footage of creepy heiress and proto-Kardashian, Paris Hilton, making her DJ debut in Brazil. Preditably, bedroom Tiestos across the world have taken to mocking her student union bar selections, clunky cross-fader work and spangly Flash Gordon outfit. But, whilst she won't exactly be getting her own Fabric Live compilation anytime soon, I'm not sure she's that bad. In fact, I'm not sure how much of it is actually her, but hey, she's got the people of Brazil shaking their collective ass (granted that doesn't take much).

As you may have seen last week, we brought you the DJ Rich List, which was a countdown of studio sun-tanned nerds who've become as rich as Croesus from tech-trance and Rihanna remixes. So this week, we decided take a step further into the dark world of superstar DJing, and take a look at the people who were rich and famous waaaaay before they decided to get on the 1s and 2s. Here's a run down of the good, the bad and the bad-meaning-good.

Paris Hilton

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, but there are several DJs out there who suck just as much, and still get on the front cover of Mixmag. There was only ever one genre which Paris could've worked within. Could you imagine her playing a Berlin minimal set? Not sure it would work with her light show. Of course she had to go down the route of coke-house, it's the perfect music to dance to with bros sporting afro-mohawks who wear tuxedo jackets and Converse. The perfect soundtrack to doing speedballs with Tara Reid and Pauly Shore.

Danny Dyer

When the history of DJ sets is written it will surely read; Atkins in Detroit, Knuckles in Chicago, Oakenfold in Ibizia, Dyer in Corby. The cockney minstrel is making quite a name for himself in the world of DJing, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be his main source of income these days. But he relies more on his personality rather than his skills it has to be said. He'd be nothing without a mic (sample dialogue: "Shout out to the Coventry boys in the gaff!"), but hey, Danny's a showman not a technician.

Stewart Downing

Liverpool and England midfielder Stewart Downing doesn't just stink up Premiership matches with his cumbersome crossing, he also stinks up provincial nightclubs with his horrific mixing. He bucks the trend ever so slightly, by seeming like he might have seen a mixer before and dropping sample-heavy funky house rather than shit-heavy funk-less house. So Disco Stu may just have a career lined up after he gets found out retires. And I'm not talking about Soccer Saturday.

Tommy Lee

Poor Tommy Lee, once upon a time he was a louche sex god, famous for being well-endowed, both financially and phyiscally. Now, he looks like he should be buying back his TV from Cash Converters. He seems to DJ alongside some tubby dude called DJ Aero. The two friends are very much from the, "if we nod our heads enough to this Boys Noize remix people will think we're lost in the mix" school of DJing, aka, this is music to shake your Von Dutch trucker cap to.

Gareth Gates

This brief snippet of Gareth DJing at a nightclub in South Wales is the only visual evidence we have of his DJ career, but his agency's website describes him as having a "natural gift for music", which is all well and good, but not really a prerequisite in the world of celebrity DJing. I guess that's the legacy of Pop Idol isn't it? Will Young gets to go on Question Time and talk about Syria, whereas poor Gareth gets to play big-room-house at a club named after a Tom Jones song. And I bet somebody makes a "re-re-rewind" joke at him every single time.

So, next time you're complaining about Ritchie Hawtin dropping a "played out" track at Creamfields, just remember, you could be watching Stewart Downing playing Usher remixes in Cheshire.

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