(Photos: Chris Bethell)Congratulations! You've probably reached this page because it's 3AM and you're googling self-help advice and some variation on the words: Am I dead? Has this broken heart stopped my blood from working?Good news: you are not dead. Bad news: you are very much going through a break-up, which means the next week to a month is going to be quite unpleasant. You'll struggle to engage on any meaningful level with other human beings; you'll need to see an actual doctor for a second opinion on that mole; you will believe, with absolute conviction, that this is it now: that your Saga Cruise years will just be you, alone, throwing Hovis at birds.
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But don't fret: there's a template for you misery. When we lose someone close to us we go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Anger, in this realm, is where you unfollow your ex on every social media platform and then immediately regret it because you now can't refresh their Snapchat story every half hour. Depression is the mould on those six ketchupy plates by your door becoming sentient. Acceptance is finally washing those plates.It's a rocky road to happiness, but get over yourself – it's a road that's been traversed before. Here is some tried and tested advice to help you along the way.
HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE IN THE MORNING
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GET A FRIEND TO CLEAR OUT YOUR PHONE
DON'T FUCK THE FIRST PERSON WHO TRIES TO FUCK YOU
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DO, HOWEVER, MAKE A 'BANG LIST'
IGNORE 90 PERCENT OF YOUR FRIENDS' ADVICE
DO NOT SPEAK TO YOUR EX
BE PREPARED FOR THEIR PHONE CALL
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KEEP CRAZY BEHAVIOUR TO A MINIMUM
BUT IF YOU HAVE TO ENGAGE IN PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE, WIN
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