Sex Tips for Girls (Are Weird, Aren't They?)

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.

PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #5: SEX TIPS FOR GIRLS (ARE WEIRD, AREN'T THEY?)

Welcome back. Let's start with some good news. I am still getting regular tips from the inspiration behind last week's Sex Pest 101, Matt Artisan. So, if y’all are interested in knowing the coolest way to say bye to a girl, I can safely announce that it is, according to the master of pick-up artistry himself, “Cya later masturbator!” Genius.

Bad news is that no one turned in my wallet, and I still receive daily emails about how to add both length and width to my penis. But you know what’s worse? Just when I thought I was getting somewhere by outing some weird, chauvinist pick-up artist ring, I click onto Cosmopolitan.com and Jesus fuck! Revelation! It turns out loads of women are total assholes too. This is disheartening to say the least. Read on to learn how Cosmo thinks you can spice up your sex life, best enjoyed with a cocktail. Cyanide mojito anyone? Just me?

#1. TOURNIQUET? MORE LIKE TURN-ON!

The very first tip Cosmo has for its naive, sex-starved readers, before it gets onto the advanced stuff like kinky texts and elevator grinding, is that, at dinner, a Pretty Girl should perhaps try to “slip a hair tie around his penis”. Seriously? At dinner?! When the staff writers for Cosmo meet up for a dinner party, are all the BFs shuffling around awkwardly, grimacing at each other? I don’t know much about libido or appetite, but I’m pretty sure anyone with a plate of food in front of them shouldn’t be distracting themselves with hair ties and penises. Even Victoria Beckham would be too busy vomiting to give a shit. I mean, come on. It’s like going on Family Fortunes and your topic is "restaurant" and you say "meal". And then they're all like “Um.. 'PENIS STRANGULATION'. DUH!”

PGB recommends: Why stop at a hair tie? Take passion to the next level by crawling under the table and attacking his penis like a weapon dog at sporadic intervals. He’ll literally be begging for mercy AND it'll show him you're street!

#2. IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE, LET'S CASUALLY ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF FUCKING ON A WIPE-CLEAN MEAL PREPARATION SURFACE

Cosmo says: “Ask something like 'Hmmm, do you think this countertop would be the right height for me to straddle you?' then wander off as if it were just a fleeting idea.” Girl, this is plain creepy. What is your life, an American Psycho sequel? That proposition is just so cold and mathematical, and maths + sex = not sexy (remainder 0). That Cosmo expect you to be able to come up with some weird fuck scenario and then “wander off” while maintaining a straight face and "sexy demeanour" is ridiculous. And how many times can you pull this stunt with the same guy before you start sounding like someone with a fetish for being fed to death/ dementia? Neither of those things are conducive to a loving long-term relationship.

PGB recommends: Telling him mid-snog about the hoard of butchered prostitutes you keep in your wardrobe. Naughty!

#3. KNOW WHAT ELSE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF MY FINGERNAILS? MY VAGINA

Cosmo also recommends painting your nails red, because this “colour of passion” will send out a “sexy signal”. Wow. Oops. I had no idea. I mean, I frequently paint my nails red when I’m trying to look sophisticated. You mean I’ve been giving sexy signals out to my tutors? My boss? My PARENTS?! Similar to the whole "lip gloss makes boys like you 'cos it reminds them of a vagina" stuff. I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit on this. The last time my boyfriend/ anyone even noticed what was on my nails was when they had "F-U-C-K Y-O-U" written across them. (I only have seven fingers. Which, on second thoughts, is maybe why people avoid making eye-contact with them.)

PGB recommends: Smothering your vagina in lipgloss and painting your nipples hot pink.

#4. THONG BURLESQUE

Another great trick, Cosmo writes, is: "Pulling your thong aside for him to enter you” (cringe). It torments him, “because he can’t see every last inch of your body”. Uhm. Quick Q, Cosmo: When wearing a thong, what are the inches he can’t see?! A thong is like, a millimetre wide. I don’t know if many guys are that interested in looking up a vagina like a telescope. Also, will this work as well when I’m wearing these? Which I do. Every day.

I guess that, according to your theory, that would make it sexier? Maybe I should wear a swimming costume and a motorbike helmet. Or just cut a hole in a sleeping bag.

PGB recommends: This demure little number. So, to conclude: When out to dinner, tie a rubber band tightly around your boyfriend's penis, paint the tip with red nail varnish, strip to your sparkly thong and start rambling about places you might have sex with him while acting totally disinterested. And then wander off. PGB promises he’ll be GAGGING FOR IT.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously: Pretty Girl Bullshit #4 - Sex Pest 101