Dr. Halbert L. Dunn, father of the "wellness movement," defined it as "an integrated method of functioning, which is oriented toward maximizing the potential of which the individual is capable." I am not the industry's ideal consumer. Like trash in a stream, I tend to go with the flow, and as long as I can stay afloat I will chalk it up as a success. But what would happen if I immersed myself in the accoutrements of maximized living—of wellness? Would they be wasted on me, or would I ascend to some higher plane of mindful health? Over the course of one very long day, I aimed to find out by embracing as many wellness treatments as possible. I planned to freeze, puncture, and pickle my body throughout a gauntlet of ancient treatments, modern fads, and dubious remedies. I did this in an attempt to simply feel better. It may have been too much to ask.
Advertisement
7 AM - Oil Pulling
7:15 AM - Cold Shower
Advertisement
7:45 AM - Bulletproof Coffee
8:15 AM - Alternate Nostril Breathing
Advertisement
8:30 AM - Toilet Time
9 AM - Guided Meditation
11 AM - Cryotherapy
When the cryo pod filled with gasified nitrogen, the existing atmosphere inside froze and sounded like snow crinkling under winter boots. The woman controlling the operation via touchscreen said it would be around negative 170 degrees Fahrenheit in the chamber, though when I stepped inside it felt like a balmy minus 160 degrees.
Advertisement
This may be the Chicagoan in me, but I can't justify paying $45 to stand in the cold for three minutes. I simply didn't feel any different or better by the end of the session. My nipple hair did freeze, however.
Noon - Sensory Deprivation Float Tank
2 PM - Juice
Advertisement