There are many reasons to appreciate the now-defunct musical trio and spiritual entity known as N-Dubz: Their introduction of the phrase "Na na naaaaaiii" into popular lexicon; the way Dappy pushed wonky hats with strings and half-shaved chin patches out from the confines of NW1; Tulisa, and everything that comes out her mouth, including that time she called La Roux a twat and told Noisey about her deep love of ancient Sumerian tablets.
Advertisement
What people don't talk about enough, though, are the songs. The way they could take a conversation topic, any conversation topic, and spin it into a stone-cold banger that would have you thrusting at the speakers and spilling Bacardi down your tank top faster than you can scream, "shoulda put something oooon!" Buses, condoms, trainers, shitty boyfriends, Sylvester Stallone – name a subject and Dappy and Fazer have probably rapped about it, with some iconic choruses thrown in from Tulisa and her perfect voice.But when you have a discography that spans 11 years, three albums and 26 music videos, there are inevitably going to be some songs that go harder than others, even though they obviously all go hard. So, in order to gain some sort of closure and comfort, we decided to do the lord's work and definitively rank N-Dubz' songs. As we can all agree that N-Dubz are the great teachers of our times, we based our ranking system on a scale of "least wise" to "most wise". We didn't rank every single song, because we were busy living our actual lives, but instead we chose 20 of their most significant and went from there. Please do not argue with the order. Blood was drawn over these.If you want to know how many rank lines can be rammed into two whole minutes then may I present you with "Sex", a song about slut-shaming girls, outdated AIDS stereotypes, dubious attitudes towards consent, having sex with virgins then getting pissed off when they text you, and generally being a massive prick. Where does this song fall on our scale of wisdom? Where do you think? NEXT!
20. "Sex"
Advertisement
19. "Duku Man ft. Fearless"
18. "We Dance On (ft. Bodyrox)"
17. "Playing with Fire"
Advertisement
16. "N-Dubz Vs NAA"
15. "I Swear"
Advertisement
14. "Girls"
13. "Feva Las Vegas"
Advertisement
12. "I Need You"
11. "You Better Not Waste My Time"
Advertisement
10. "Best Behaviour"
9. "Strong Again"
Advertisement
8. "Ouch"
7. "I Don't Wanna Go To Sleep"
This right here is the world's greatest song about getting off your face in a positive manner. Instead of drying you all out by breaking down the many reasons why, I'll just leave you with this following verse from Tulisa:"Watch me shine I'm a star
Step into the club like they know who we are
Drink a few
That's my cue to take over this place
Spotlight's on my face
All the boys wanna taste
So, they can take a look but don't touch (don't touch)
Ladies watch don't hate (don't hate)
I came to get smashed
I don't wanna go to sleep I just wanna stay awake
I swear I think I owe this night to my self, me and my friends
What more can I ask for?
So grab a drink and follow meeeee!"
Advertisement
Pretty sure if someone handed me this alongside Plato's Theory of Forms in A-Level Philosophy and Ethics I'd have spent a lot less time throwing myself at everyone, searching for meaning in a world of otherwise abstract properties, and a lot more time drinking Lambrini with one hand and rejecting men with the other.May I present you with some vintage N-Dubz; a reminder of a more innocent time when Tulisa wore her hair in curls so crunchy you could crack them in half, and when Dappy looked like every hard man at your primary school. Seriously though, this track is an ice-cold banger and frankly deserves a lot more attention – that UKG-style melody, the grainy video filmed on someone's Motorola flip, and those lyrics. In fact, let's talk about the lyrics, in which Dappy and Fazer rap about everything bad in the world while Tulisa looks solemn and sings "ooooooooh". It's got all that a classic "moral message" rap needs: coke fiends, guns, feds, dealers, knives, snitches, prison, suicide, violence. Yeah it's depressing AF, but in the wise words of Dappy: "I'm just trying to open the eyes of the youths to show them what's going on." Preach.There are so many reasons to love "Wouldn't You": The bangra-style intro. Tulisa's very chill purple silk corset. The inexplicable reference to gardening in the video. But most importantly, this is the moment in Uncle B when Tulisa takes centre stage, delegating the boys to a couple of bars on the side while she delivers some choice words to a fuckboy who won't commit. "Wouldn't you, wouldn't you, like to have me to yourself?" she sings, over the most tender melody that N-Dubz have curated for us thus far. "Who would be dumb enough to lose all that I have got for you?" So much Tulisa. So much win.
6. "Every Day of My Life"
5. "Wouldn't You"
Advertisement
4. "Say It's Over"
3. "No Regrets"
Advertisement