Apparently, Facebook is opening stock options to the public this Friday. I know about a lot of things, but the stock market is not one of them. However, I have seen the ’80s guy episode of Futurama, where Fry and his Wall Street pal take control of Planet Express after being voted in by the stockholders. No, I don't have boneitis, and I'm more like the woman with one share and a cat in her handbag, but that is not the point. The point is, I'm going to buy up all the Facebook stocks so I'll have a real say in the company.Buying up stocks isn't really my style, but there are a few things I want to change about Facebook, and I feel like this is my only way to gain control. Here's a little sneak peek at my upcoming adjustments.No more posting about the following:1. Enjoyable relationships with the opposite sex. I swear to God, if I see one more "she said yes!" status, I will lose it. Look, I'm not trying to be a dick, but the majority of my interactions with men have been nightmarish at best, so it bums me out when I see people in normal, successful relationships. I'm well aware that most boyfriends don't refuse to visit with your family, or throw tantrums when you move their massive water bong while cleaning the house, so reading about how lovely other peoples' adorable lives are make mine feel even more embarrassing.2. This whole baby overload thing needs to stop until I get pregnant too, then it can resume. I never thought I would be that chick who complains about her biological clock ticking, but sadly I am. I'm not poking holes in condoms or anything (yet), but I do want a kid pretty bad. Sorry to be a stereotype. Anyway, when I have control over Facebook, photos of smiling babies with frosting on their faces will be a thing of the past. At least until I have a little monster of my own to brag about and dress up all old timey.I apologize for the dark glimpse into my personal life, let us move on to more positive aspects of Facebook that I endorse and will try to increase.3. More juggalos please. I get that the whole juggalo craze is so 2008, but I'm not even trying to be ironic. Or maybe I am, who the fuck cares? All I know is that juggalos love to smoke weed and get drunk with their "family members" despite the fact that they never have jobs or money, and their statuses reflect this wonderful life they all lead.4. More emotional breakups need to be hashed out over Facebook please. This always makes me feel better about things. If your ex-boyfriend owes you money or is fucking his ratball co-worker that you knew he always had a thing for, you need to broadcast this. This one chick I barely know posted a status about how she caught her boyfriend cheating on her but it was okay because he had a small penis and who needs him anyway, and his mother commented on it. This needs to happen way more.I can only assume that this will play out just like the previously mentioned episode of Futurama. Zuckerberg will hold a huge meeting for all the shareholders to get together and vote on mundane business issues, and I'll stand up in the middle of everything and demand we control happy couples on Facebook. Everyone will laugh and brush me off, but I will announce the amount of stock I have in the company and a hush will fall over the room. Then guess what? You can all thank me for the changes that will start occurring. Because once I have my say with Facebook, it's going to shoot straight to the top, and stay there, like Cyndi Lauper.
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