In 1988, a British band who'd later become most famous for burning £1 million of their own money wrote an informative self-help book called The Manual: How to Have a No. 1 the Easy Way. It purported to help anyone reach the summit of the charts irrespective of talent as long as they followed "the golden rules". Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty of the KLF had achieved the feat themselves when they had a number 1 in the UK earlier that year with "Doctorin' the Tardis", released under the nom-de-guerre The Timelords.
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Discordian pranksters that they are, the KLF deleted their entire back catalogue when they retreated from the pop game in the 90s, though thankfully "Doctorin' the Tardis" survives on YouTube. As you can see, in 1988 you could take seemingly incongruous elements – the theme from Doctor Who and now-convicted paedophile Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll" – weld them together, then just film a 1968 Ford Galaxie police car careening around the escarpments of Westbury for the video and – voila! – a number 1. Amazingly the next year, Austrian band Edelweiss proved the formula was no fluke when they sold 5 million copies of "Bring Me Edelweiss", mashing up Abba's "SOS" with some yodelling. They'd followed the German translation of The Manual to the letter.So, would it be possible to follow 1988's "golden rules" in 2017 and still have a hit? In the time since The Manual was published 29 years ago, pop music has changed immeasurably, from its availability to perceptions about authenticity (that used to really matter back then for some reason). But maybe things aren't that different after all. Here's our 21st-century reinvention of the advice in How to Have a No.1 the Easy Way, based on a completely scientific data analysis of its key points as compared to this year's biggest hits.Now: Obviously Top of the Pops doesn't exist anymore. And the next best thing these days, Later… With Jools Holland, is for fifty-somethings who read the Sunday Times and listen to Bon Iver. So what do you do? Follow a dangerous amount of people on Instagram in order to get inspired. You'll be able to come up with the right look on stage as well as off it, because Instagram is a candid tool that honestly represents all the facets of an artist's life (unless they suddenly delete all their photos and start uploading pictures of snakes for promotional purposes). Alternatively you could watch old Top of the Pops on YouTube and steal a vintage look from the 80s.Now: If you're broke and underemployed in 2017 then you might be an armchair expert on the intricacies of televised antiques auctions , but you'll have bugger all chance of getting to number 1. Being working class was as compulsory to becoming a pop star in 1988 as art school had been in the 70s. Now four little words will get you to the top: Sylvia Young Theatre School. That's where Adele, Amy Winehouse and Rita Ora all went, and recent number 1 artist Dua Lipa is a former alumna too. The JAMs believed you couldn't do a job or go to college and devote yourself fully to the cause, but Clean Bandit, who've had two number 1s this year, met at Jesus College, Cambridge. Even salt-of-the-earth ginger everyman Ed Sheeran (from leafy Framlington with an art curator father and jewellery designer mother) nearly had his eye out when Princess Beatrice tried to ironically knight him at a soirée at James Blunt's castle. 2017's version of "you must be skint and on the dole" is "you must be very posh and extremely fucking loaded".
Advice then: "Watch Top Of The Pops religiously every week and learn from it."
Then: "You must be skint and on the dole."
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Then: "When you have drunk your tea and had a look out the window (just to check the world is still there) you are going to have to decide which of the possible studios you are going to commit to."
Then: "It has to have a groove that will run all the way through the record that the current 7" buying generation will find irresistible."
Then: "It must consist of an intro, a verse, a chorus, second verse, a second chorus, a breakdown section, back into a double length chorus and outro."
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