Married at First Sight is a fantastic show. Truly. It's reality television done right—it manages to feel real without being intrusive, intimate without being exploitative, and funny without being scripted.

It shows you normal people getting nervous, getting mad, and falling in love in a very sincere way. Everything you're watching on screen might actually work out in a life-affirming way—and that's pretty special. Dare we say the show has heart? We do.

Now let's contradict absolutely everything we just said by tearing the entire show and its contestants to microscopic shreds. Let's predict all the shitty things that will happen to these couples in the future.

Hellyer: My angels. It is possible to make them the godparents of my children without their consent? Can I make it so that when I die, Keller and Nicole have to look after my kids?

Beech: It depends. Do you want your child's first words to be "tattooed thug"? You tell me.

Hellyer: Holy shit, I love these guys.

Beech: I do too. My favourite moment was when they were kicking back on their honeymoon drinking wine. Nicole was explaining how to "open it up" and Keller confessed that he didn't even like wine—he was drinking it for her. Instead of making a big deal out of it, or insisting that he get a drink he actually likes, Nicole just says he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, and they shared a funny little joke about how he'd definitely be drinking a VB if he could. I loved it.

Hellyer: They are so relaxed. They're so sane.

Beech: They're gonna work. They're going to be together forever.

Beech: These two are so beige that I didn't even know their names before opening this photo.

Hellyer: Monica is… A grasshopper.

Beech: Mark, God bless him, he's a firefighter. He has a nice smile, he really wants to find love.

Hellyer: He's very typically handsome.

Beech: Would we say that?

Hellyer: …

Beech: I'm worried that he's a bit too childlike for her. Like she definitely folds her underwear. She's a real grown-up.

Hellyer: I don't think that's true. They show has painted her as this "Career Woman," but then you find out that she actually just works in admin at Sydney University or something. I think they're much more similar than the show is playing them off as, like: "He's a freakin' Nerd and she's a CEO." But actually, no.

Beech: Oh, so she's actually just a clean person with a job, and he's a man with a hobby. Fuck, well now I feel bad because I was sucked in by the bullshit. What do you think is going to happen to them?

Hellyer: It's hard to tell because they're both so on edge right now. There's a lot of intense, nervous laughter. So much that I'm left wondering if there's a gun being held to their heads out of frame.

Beech: That's one way to make a reality show.

Hellyer: I think they might make it. 60-40. No, 70-30. They both really want a relationship. That's something you have to factor in: desperation. Desperation is powerful. With a lot of people, if you put something in front of them that isn't totally horrendous, will be like "I love it!!!"

Beech: So what's their life going to be like?

Hellyer: They both get up together at 5 AM to go for a run. He's already pre-prepared all of their meals for the rest of the week. Mostly lean meats—chicken and broccoli. She gets them out of the freezer and while they're thawing, she makes them a breakfast smoothie…

Beech: …while he jerks it in the shower because they haven't slept together in eight months.

Hellyer: Oh shit. True. But then one day Monica will be at brunch with the girls and one of them will start taking about their not-completely-vanilla sex life. It'll make Monica jealous, and 'cause she doesn't want to feel inferior to her friends, she'll go out and buy a ball gag.

Beech: They'll do comic book role plays. She'll dress up as Wonder Woman for him. Some real Summer Roberts shit.

Hellyer: I saw him reading Suicide Squad in one shot, so he's definitely got some Harley Quinn fantasies.

Beech: Hot.

Hellyer: Plus, he really seems to believe that she is the hottest woman on Earth.

Beech: He does!

Hellyer: So she's going to tell him what to do, and he'll listen obediently. "I'll meet you at the restaurant we always go to at 6 PM."

Beech: They both order the gluten free pasta.

Hellyer: And he's like [worst impression of a human being ever] "Whatever you say, babe."

Beech: Have you even heard him talk?

Hellyer: That's what his spirit sounds like.

Hellyer: These guys stress me out. I almost want to fast forward through their scenes because they make me so anxious.

Beech: Agreed. And I'm certainly not interested in giving the time of day to somebody who won't get in a hot tub. That's concerning to me.

Hellyer: Andy is Patrick Bateman. He speaks in a very calculated, robotic way. "There was… No… Sex… Last night. No… There wasn't."

Beech: He's trying so hard to keep his composure at all times.

Hellyer: He's freaky.

Beech: My major problem with Andy is that he flew off the handle at the wedding. Four hours in. If you can't keep your crazy to yourself to four hours, it's not looking good. You can't even pretend to be okay? You've only known this guy for an afternoon and you already have something to chastise him about.

Hellyer: Being friends with your ex is also, like, a very nice, healthy thing.

Beech: Yeah, but Andy's reaction was insane. A) refusing to speak to the person you have a problem with but giving them just enough to know they're in trouble, but not what for. B) "I'm out," and C) threatening to drink yourself into oblivion to cope with the drama that you just created. That's like the trifecta of Red Flag Behaviour.

Hellyer: You create a problem, refuse to deal with it, and push away the people who are trying to help. But you know what? Craig also worries me because he feels so entitled to people's attention. He doesn't seem to want a partner, he wants a fan. Someone to worship his as some sort of deity. At one point he said "I didn't realise I had to win him over! I married him!" Craig, Andy is a fucking stranger. Of course you have to win him over.

Beech: He's also a person. You don't get to fuck him just because you need to feel affection. You've known him for 72 hours.

Hellyer: What does their life look like?

Beech: They actually do meet up after filming wraps to have that coffee they talked about. From there on out they agree to live together in a chaotic harmony. They're the only person that can actually put up with the other because they both have so many issues and insecurities. Yes, one person will move out every single week and stay with their friend on Sunday night, but they'll be back by Monday COB. There's going to be a lot of manipulation, but no regular person will put up with either of these people, so they're destined to be together.

Hellyer: The only other option is that Craig realises his life in danger and leaves, but never finds anyone else because he has such bizarre, impossibly high expectations of a partner.

Beech: Have you ever gone over to someone's house and slept with them on a Friday, then just spent the entire weekend together as if you were in a relationship, getting take-away and giving each other head? To a normal person, when that happens you know it's not real—it's all happening inside a little snow globe. It has an expiry date. But for some reason these guys think it's real.

Hellyer: They constantly sound like they're on MDMA. They say things like, "This is such an incredible connection, I've never felt anything like this before." That's stuff you say when you're high out of your goddamn mind. These two are completely sober.

Beech: To be fair, they've been drinking champagne for 72 hours straight.

Hellyer: In their own way, they're are almost scarier than Craig and Andy, because they're so delusional. They're not really in love.

Beech: But they don't know that. I don't think they'll ever work it out, either.

Hellyer: They think it's love because they've been fucking non-stop. She sucked his dick in the limo from the church to the reception, I guarantee it. That's the thing: they're never more than 10 minutes away from an orgasm, so they're trapped in a constant state of post-coital bliss. It's all a lie.

Beech: What is their life going to look life?

Hellyer: Right off the bat, the kid is never coming back to Michael. It's not in the picture. They're going to buy a very small brand new apartment on Smith Street and caption all their Instagram photos #warehouseliving even though they're clearly not living in a warehouse.

Beech: They're going fill it with very, very low to the ground leather sofas from Domayne.

Hellyer: My only concern is with Michael. To be blunt, I suspect he's actually evil. He always looks like he's in a lot of pain. He truly believes it's an injustice that he hasn't found love yet, because he's such a "Nice Guy."

Beech: He's the kind of guy who would cook you a 45 course meal and not speak to you for six months because you came home 30 minutes late—even though he never told you he was doing it. Now he's having showers at 5 AM so he doesn't have to see you before he goes to work.

Hellyer: Yeah, he's the type of person who will do "nice" things that you never actually asked for, then get pissed off when you don't appreciate it, and act as if you forced them into doing it.

Beech: So Bella will continue to do nice things for him, and he'll continue to do nice things for her, until one day she starts giving more attention to her beloved job as a radio host than she does to the relationship, and that'll throw the whole balance off.

Hellyer: They'll be fine for six years, then he'll start getting crazy. Best of luck though, especially to Bella. She's cool, just so fucking naive.

Beech: I think she's fine. We're the ones believing the worst of people. We're the sickos.

Beech: Jess needs to be our friend. She's hilarious, she's hot, she's cool, she's good at expressing herself.

Hellyer: She's funny, she's empathetic, she's laissez-faire. She's whip smart, quick with her jokes, and extremely personable.

Beech: She dances to the Backstreet Boys in her car, and she's always the one driving him around. Her friends at her wedding? They were so cool. Her mum? Amazing.

Hellyer: They clearly set this match up to fail. There's no way anyone in the world thought this would work. Look at Jess—wisecracking, outgoing—and then you look at Dave. His only personality trait is golf.

Beech: Dave is your typical man who, because he sees other average white men on television all the time, becomes convinced thinks he's some kind of top-tier, screentime-worthy person. And because Jess doesn't look like Heidi Klum, he sees her as beneath him. Let me wake you up for a second, Dave. Jess is better than you. She's better looking than you, she's nicer than you, she's funnier than you, and she's smarter than you. The only reason you believe you're the attractive one is because you think she weighs more than you. I don't even know if she does.

Hellyer: Her body is certainly better than his. She looked great in the bikini. Her skin is lovely, her boobs are incredible. You're a blue freckly man, Dave.

Beech: And your body shape is weird. You look like a corndog, my friend. Congratulations, you lost a bunch of weight, and now you have the ego of Charlie Fucking Sheen. But guess what Dave? You suck.

Hellyer: He's one of those sick, sick white men that for some reason think they deserve a 21-year-old model. No. You are a pox and a plague upon society. You deserve nothing.

Beech: You're lucky you even got to spend 72 hours with Jess. I'm mad at Jess for even speaking to you.

Hellyer: So what do you expect in the future?

Beech: Well, I'd like to thank Dave for somehow convincing those "scientists" that he was a plausible match for Jess, thus putting Jess on national television. Thank you so much for allowing that to happen, because now she has a platform for the entire country to know what a legend she is.

Hellyer: And now Australia knows that he is a shallow, shallow man.

Beech: No one cares what happens to Dave, but Jess will become a radio announcer. She'll get involved in the media.

Hellyer: Jessica? I hope you or your PR has some kind of Google alert set to your name so you see this. Listen to me directly when I say this: please reach out to me, because I would just love to do anything. Let's get you on VICE.

Beech: Call me.

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